My son has recently taken up an interest in music. We're constantly going back and forth trying to stump the other with trivia. He thought he had me when he chorused, "Hey, dad, what genre are national anthems?!" I laughed, "That's easy!"
A policeman pulled me over the other day and started crying as he was writing me a traffic ticket. I asked him why was he crying?
He said it was because I committed a moving violation.
I went to a Ford dealership the other day looking for a specific model. The salesman told me they didn’t have what I was looking for and that I wasn’t allowed to leave.
I put on 30 jackets one on top of the other, someone calls me and asks me to go out, I said I can’t ...
I bought a box of condoms from the store the other day and the cashier asked me if I wanted a bag
I said “nah, I’ll just turn the lights off.”
One melon turns to the other and asks, "Will you marry me?"
The other responds, "Yes, but we cantaloupe."
The other day my wife asked me for her lipstick and I accidentally passed her a gluestick.
She still isn't talking to me.
I tried to quell a disagreement between me and my girlfriend in the shopping mall. But by the time we got to the second level we were shouting at each other.
In retrospect we shouldn’t have been on that escalator.
I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...
..it's a brand-new Rolex."
So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...
"I'm measuring your patience!"
At the grocery store the other day, the bagger asked the woman in front of me, "Paper or plastic?" She responded, "It makes no difference to me. You choose." The bagger explained that he isn't allowed to, and that she had to choose. This upset her quite a bit, which was confusing to me.
I thought it was common knowledge that baggers can't be choosers.
My wife looked at me the other day and said “You’re not listening to anything I’ve said!”
I said to her “There are better ways to start a conversation.”
My uncle drink dialed me the other night and told me he was going on an exclusively almond diet.
I said, "That's just nuts."
The other day I was driving by a prison and an unusually small person was scaling down the wall. I looked up at him confused as he sneered back at me.
And I thought to myself, well that’s a little condescending.
sorry it’s a repost of myself. My original post got removed for hate speech and harassment
On Saturday, my son confronted me about why I spend time with him on only 1 day of the week, but I spend time with his sister every other day. I told him that I would take him to the movies tomorrow, and he asked if it was 'just because he asked'.
I told him, 'no, because it's Son Day'.
I've got a friend who is an owl, and the other day he told me he's getting married....
So I said, you twit to who?
Somebody stopped me the other day in the shopping center and said "oh, sorry, i thought you were someone else" .
(Me reading to my five-year-old) The leopard slug eats dead plants and fungi, but also hunts other slugs.
(Five-year-old) I'm a fun guy, so they would eat me.
My wife told me the other day she hates revolving doors, and is afraid to get stuck in them.
I told her, “You’ll come around eventually.”
My wife asked me the other day what I wanted to name our twin daughters. Kate, I replied. And the other, she asked?
The other day I was walking down the street and I commented that I like someone’s spunky shoes. 10 minutes later I passed her again and she gave me a $5 bill she found on the ground.
That’s karma in real life
Me and some other guys like to get together at the local supermarket to show off our rare breed black-feathered chickens. New guy today mustn't have understood because...
There was an unexpected white hen in the bragging area
I was in the Apple store the other day and the sales assistant Robert, approached me and asked would I like to try the new iPhone. Not interested, I turned and said:
I was hanging out with my sister the other day and she showed me a meme. I had not idea what it meant so I asked her
Some people like to look at the glass as half full and others like to look at it as half empty but me,
I had a guy come up to me at the store the other day as I was browsing the candy section and proclaimed "I refuse to eat Werther's originals!" Confused, I asked "Why's that?"
1 boy was named trouble and the other was called shutup. One day trouble got lost so shutup went to the police station and said ‘I lost my brother’. The police said ‘what is your name’ ‘shutup’ the police said ‘what did you say to me’ ‘shutup’. The police said ‘are you looking for trouble’ ‘yep’
First time I plowed my garden, I noticed something shiny in one of the hunks of dirt. Upon rubbing it, I found the whole hunk of dirt was shiny on the inside! I repeated this on other hunks of dirt and each one was shiny on the inside! That made me realize...
Every clod has a silver lining.
The one eye says to the other, "between me and you, something smells.."
I was at the bank the other day and this old lady told me to check her balance...
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks ...
“It’s easy, you just not eating properly” the doctors replies.
Was walking my dogs the other day and some man asked me, “are those Jack Russells?”
I said, “No, they’re mine”
Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin turns to the other and says: "Is it just me, or is it hot in here?"
The other muffin's jaw drops in shock as it exclaims: "Whoa! A talking muffin!"
I was walking down the street the other day and a guy threw milk, yogurt and cheese at me..
I just thought how dairy.
Johnny is in class learning about animals and the teacher asks, “can anyone tell me what other name for dwarf goats go by?” Johnny’s hand shot up:
Dad: "Me and your mum met at the winter wonderland skating rink. We jumped when we saw each other".
"It was our way of breaking the ice."
Was trying to impress a fine looking lady just the other evening, and I told her people call me "X".
She asked me why, and I had honestly not expected it-- so I panicked and went, "I dunno, "Z"?"
The other day my dad sat me down and said, “Son..
..,I see a lot of yourself in you”
I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...
..it's a brand new Rolex."
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