Excuse me, pun master coming through
π︎ 13
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︎ Mar 27 2019
π︎ 7
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︎ Oct 11 2017
A man came up to me and said "Man, your clothes look gay".
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
π︎ 16k
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︎ Feb 09 2021
My wife left me because of my obsession with horoscopes
π︎ 9k
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︎ Feb 05 2021
My wife asked me today if I had seen the dog bowl.
I said no I didnβt know he could.
π︎ 10k
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︎ Feb 09 2021
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list...
Now I can't read anything.
π︎ 8k
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︎ Feb 08 2021
A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
π︎ 16k
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︎ Jan 22 2021
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies. "
I replied, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids."
π︎ 11k
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︎ Feb 01 2021
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
π︎ 11k
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︎ Jan 31 2021
Pirate Ship Captain: I am desperate. Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?
π︎ 9k
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︎ Jan 21 2021
While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said βShe obviously has COVID!β βWhy would you think that?β I asked.
βBecause she has no taste.β
π︎ 13k
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︎ Jan 13 2021
I once debated a flat earther. He got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
Heβll come around eventually.
π︎ 4k
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︎ Feb 11 2021
My doctor told me I'm going deaf.
The news was hard for me to hear.
π︎ 8k
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︎ Jan 24 2021
When my wife found me playing with my sonβs train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
π︎ 13k
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︎ Jan 17 2021
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me ?
Find out next week.
π︎ 10k
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︎ Jan 15 2021
I was on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies...
Is this a trick question?
π︎ 10k
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︎ Jan 16 2021
My wife left me because I'm insecure.
Oh, no, wait, she's back. She just went for groceries.
π︎ 12k
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︎ Jan 10 2021
My friend told me that drinking beer would make him smarter....
But, I don't think anything would make my Budweiser.
π︎ 3k
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︎ Feb 09 2021
My dad always told me βdonβt be quick to find faultsβ.
Good man, terrible geologist.
π︎ 970
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︎ Feb 01 2021
My date was supposed meet me at the gym but they didn't show up.
That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.
π︎ 1k
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︎ Feb 08 2021
My 6 year old just told me this joke... What's stronger than a fortune cookie?
π︎ 13k
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︎ Dec 21 2020
The wife and I were at the marriage counselor. "Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?" The marriage counselor asked glaring at me.
I look at my wife frustratingly and shout "You never even told me you sold flowers!?"
π︎ 1k
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︎ Feb 09 2021
Someone told me Trumps last order as president is to outlaw shredded cheese.
Hmm guess he wants to make America grate again π€
π︎ 3k
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︎ Jan 18 2021
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnβt happy at all. βHow much have you had to drink?β she asked sternly, staring at me. βNothingβ I slurred. βLook at me!β she shouted. βItβs either me or the pub, which one is it?β
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, βItβs you. I can tell by the voice.β
π︎ 16k
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︎ Dec 27 2020
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
π︎ 9k
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︎ Dec 29 2020
My wife was telling me I am of average intelligence.
π︎ 9k
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︎ Dec 25 2020
Science puns make me numb
But math puns make me number.
π︎ 911
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︎ Jan 30 2021
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl
...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.
Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling π³ '
Thank you for the awards
π︎ 10k
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︎ Dec 17 2020
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
π︎ 10k
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︎ Dec 28 2020
My wife asked me if I wanted to watch Batman Forever on Netflix.
I said, βNo, only for the next couple of hours.β
π︎ 7k
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︎ Dec 31 2020
Momma always told me "you are what you eat!" So I started eating mushrooms every day.
I wanted to become a fun guy.
π︎ 3k
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︎ Jan 07 2021
Seems like a Bassless claim to me
π︎ 4k
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︎ Dec 08 2020
The salesman at the furniture store told me, βThis sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.β
I said, βWhere the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?β
π︎ 9k
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︎ Dec 20 2020
My lumberjack friend told me that he'd cut down a total of 13,207 trees.
When I asked how he managed to keep count,
He replied, "I keep a log"
π︎ 2k
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︎ Jan 19 2021
I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me.
She looked me dead in the eye and said, βWindow or aisle?β
I laughed in her face and replied, βWindow or youβll what?β
π︎ 20k
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︎ Nov 30 2020
My girlfriend says if we donβt get married soon, sheβs gonna kill me.
...itβs a matter of wife or death.
π︎ 536
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︎ Jan 26 2021
My boss just told me that Iβm the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit..l meant to post this somewhere else.
π︎ 13k
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︎ Dec 14 2020
This left me in stitches...
π︎ 3k
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︎ Dec 21 2020
Right before he kicked the bucket, my grandpa said to me:
"Hey, watch how far I can kick this bucket."
π︎ 135
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︎ Feb 11 2021
I admit itβs a repost, but this pun is just a sin... Please let me know if you get it!!!
π︎ 20
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︎ Feb 12 2021
My wife tells me I have 2 major faults,
I don't listen - and something else.
π︎ 12k
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︎ Nov 28 2020
I'll never forget my grandfathers last words to me..
"Would you stop shaking the fucking ladder?!"
π︎ 182
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︎ Jan 27 2021
My wife told me Iβve grown as a person
Her actual word were βyouβve gotten fatβ, but I know what she meant.
π︎ 992
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︎ Jan 20 2021
Somebody just called me average.
π︎ 144
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︎ Feb 09 2021
I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills
π︎ 433
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︎ Jan 09 2021
My 5 year old got me with this one:
5yo: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
5yo: To get to the dummy's house.
Me:...
5yo:...
Me:...
5yo: Knock Knock.
Me: Who's there?
5yo: The chicken.
π︎ 483
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︎ Jan 20 2021
My wife said "I look fat, give me a compliment"
I said "you got perfect eyesight."
π︎ 501
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︎ Jan 07 2021
Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me
Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
π︎ 555
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︎ Jan 06 2021
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex
But my wife insists it's for Dyslexia
π︎ 310
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︎ Jan 20 2021
My buddy keeps asking me to blow cool air on him when he gets hot, and I donβt like it.
π︎ 154
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︎ Feb 08 2021
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