Excuse me, pun master coming through
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pasta_pants
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Me punning my friend, as usual imgur.com/a/e24WH
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RoMaGi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2017
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A man came up to me and said "Man, your clothes look gay".

I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
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My wife left me because of my obsession with horoscopes

It Taurus apart

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OliPark
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
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My wife asked me today if I had seen the dog bowl.

I said no I didn’t know he could.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Grind_n_brine
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
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My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list...

Now I can't read anything.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..

.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies. "

I replied, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids."

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
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My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.

The decision was a piece of cake.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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Pirate Ship Captain: I am desperate. Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?

Crew: I I Captain.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said β€œShe obviously has COVID!” β€œWhy would you think that?” I asked.

β€œBecause she has no taste.”

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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I once debated a flat earther. He got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.

He’ll come around eventually.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LinkIsThicc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
My doctor told me I'm going deaf.

The news was hard for me to hear.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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When my wife found me playing with my son’s train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.

But will she leave me ?

Find out next week.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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I was on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies...

Is this a trick question?

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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My wife left me because I'm insecure.

Oh, no, wait, she's back. She just went for groceries.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sattoth
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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My friend told me that drinking beer would make him smarter....

But, I don't think anything would make my Budweiser.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
My dad always told me β€œdon’t be quick to find faults”.

Good man, terrible geologist.

πŸ‘︎ 970
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tobias_drundridge
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
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My date was supposed meet me at the gym but they didn't show up.

That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bryanBr
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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My 6 year old just told me this joke... What's stronger than a fortune cookie?

A hammer.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jeenyus47
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
The wife and I were at the marriage counselor. "Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?" The marriage counselor asked glaring at me.

I look at my wife frustratingly and shout "You never even told me you sold flowers!?"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
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Someone told me Trumps last order as president is to outlaw shredded cheese.

Hmm guess he wants to make America grate again πŸ€”

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
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I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...

"Swarm."

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife was telling me I am of average intelligence.

Now that’s just mean.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ballsquancher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Science puns make me numb

But math puns make me number.

πŸ‘︎ 911
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dilborg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
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My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl

...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.

Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling 🎳 '

Thank you for the awards

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...

...an ether/oar situation...

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me if I wanted to watch Batman Forever on Netflix.

I said, β€œNo, only for the next couple of hours.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Momma always told me "you are what you eat!" So I started eating mushrooms every day.

I wanted to become a fun guy.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Masderus-
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Seems like a Bassless claim to me
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cREDBARON
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
The salesman at the furniture store told me, β€œThis sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said, β€œWhere the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My lumberjack friend told me that he'd cut down a total of 13,207 trees.

When I asked how he managed to keep count,

He replied, "I keep a log"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DementedOak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, β€œWindow or aisle?” I laughed in her face and replied, β€œWindow or you’ll what?”

πŸ‘︎ 20k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nandos677
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend says if we don’t get married soon, she’s gonna kill me.

...it’s a matter of wife or death.

πŸ‘︎ 536
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joepopp
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.

Shit..l meant to post this somewhere else.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
This left me in stitches...
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aimilah
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Right before he kicked the bucket, my grandpa said to me:

"Hey, watch how far I can kick this bucket."

πŸ‘︎ 135
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I admit it’s a repost, but this pun is just a sin... Please let me know if you get it!!!
πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/x000b
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife tells me I have 2 major faults,

I don't listen - and something else.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kgangadhar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I'll never forget my grandfathers last words to me..

"Would you stop shaking the fucking ladder?!"

πŸ‘︎ 182
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πŸ‘€︎ u/facts_my_guyy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife told me I’ve grown as a person

Her actual word were β€œyou’ve gotten fat”, but I know what she meant.

πŸ‘︎ 992
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πŸ‘€︎ u/serialcompliment
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Somebody just called me average.

How mean.

πŸ‘︎ 144
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills

Those were goodyears

πŸ‘︎ 433
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gotblake
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
My 5 year old got me with this one:

5yo: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Me: Why?

5yo: To get to the dummy's house.

Me:...

5yo:...

Me:...

5yo: Knock Knock.

Me: Who's there?

5yo: The chicken.

πŸ‘︎ 483
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wellimnotdeadyet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife said "I look fat, give me a compliment"

I said "you got perfect eyesight."

πŸ‘︎ 501
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Taff-Price
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil

πŸ‘︎ 555
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex

But my wife insists it's for Dyslexia

πŸ‘︎ 310
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnny_Two_Timez
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
My buddy keeps asking me to blow cool air on him when he gets hot, and I don’t like it.

I’m not a fan.

πŸ‘︎ 154
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πŸ‘€︎ u/backalleywillie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report

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