Not a joke for written context, but one you can use on your family.
You just say to your family member - "Did you hear someone in the family is part owl?"
They'll reply with "who?" And you look at them with a raised eyebrow.
Tell this joke over dinner if youd like to be the life of the party. You're welcome.
I had to break up with this girl who just would not stop counting.
I wonder what she’s up to now.
It would be shocking if this isn't a repost but I could not resist
Not mine. But always makes me giggle
Passing that could not have been pleasant
What's blue and not very heavy?
It would suck not being able to eat bread :')
As the cop knocked on my door, I just stayed in complete silence. He then knocked again. Determined not to give myself away, I just stayed still.
Cop: "Do you think I am stupid ? I can see you through the window."
Mee: "You are not coming in."
Cop: "I don't want to come in. I want you to step out of your car !!"
I can’t believe it’s not butter!
Not to brag, but yesterday I beat our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school Karate lessons came to some use.
Not to brag, but I experimented a lot with drugs and sex when I was in college.
Unfortunately I was part of the control group.
Mt oldest is getting to be pretty good at using my own jokes against me when I'm not expecting.
Kid: Hey dad, look at that! (Points with his finger to something off in the distance.)
Me: (Looking in direction he's pointing) What? Where? I don't see anything.
Kid: (Still pointing) Right there, look, you see it?
Me: (Still looking, getting annoyed that I don't see it) WHAT? What is it??
Kid: (Holding up the same finger) It's my finger!
I have been doing this to him recently and it always gets him. I love that he's able to totally get me with it now.
Edit: MY oldest, not Mt oldest. Not sure what the oldest mountain is, but it probably isn't as funny as my oldest kid is becoming.
Not the greatest,brought out a chuckle
Not corny enough? This is a barrage.
I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop in your pants, but he’s not buying it. In fact...
He’s still making fun of me...
How do you call an elephant that does not matter?
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
I'm not sure I am that hungry
Digging holes is not fun, but making them even bigger is even worse.
Why is 'dark' spell with a k and not c?
Because you cannot see in the dark.
This wasn’t even a hard one. Not to stroke my own ego or anything.
Everyone keeps telling me there's 26 letters in the alphabet, not 25
Why is 6 afraid of 7? (The answer is not what you're thinking)
Not what you're thinking.
What’s green and not very heavy?
Why can your nose not be 12 inches?
Cause then it would be a foot
The fly fishing tournament will not have spectators this year.
But it will be LIVE STREAMED.
What do you call an elephant that does not matter?
Irrelevant. Sorry just addressing the elephant in the room here.
Do not use “Beefstew” as your computer password
My son turned 21 today and as we were about to share our first drink together, I wisely advised him, "Remember, vodka may not be the answer!"
I know a family of Artists but I am not sure how they make so much Money
Why did the block of cheese not want to get sliced ?
Women were not allowed inside the temple...
... unless they put their big-girl pantheon.
first time posting here. (not a dad, just a 17 y/o kid)
Every time this queer couple lied to their son, he would see right through them.
>they were trans-parent.
I'm quite glad I'm not an egg
I do tend to crack myself up
What do you call cheese thats not yours
Not sure if my girlfriend knows any geography ...
I ran into my old barber today after going to a different guy for the last few months. He asked me why I’m not coming in to the shop anymore and I said,
“You just haven’t been cutting it lately.”
There's been a lot of people who aren't Dad's making Dad jokes on here recently. If you're not a Dad you shouldn't be making Dad Jokes.
not everyone can appreciate its simplicity
A family is flying to Japan on vacation. The son ask "dad, are we there yet" the dad replies "not yet son"
A few hours later the plane lands in japan. The dad looks at his son and says "okinawa here"
Why is Trump not allowed in the White House anymore?
Whats blue and not heavy?
Not to brag, but yesterday i beat the state chess champion in less than five moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
Why is dark written with a K not a C?
Because you can't C in the dark
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