....when I was the only one who turned up to band practice with a shoe horn.
...she was an LPN.
We had a Don't Bother Checking account.
My first pet only had 3 legs, and it was a centipede.
Mom had one bra, and it was a lease.
For breakfast we ate Lieutenant Crunch.
My first spoon was monogrammed though ("1/2 TSP").
We were too poor to even say "awesome." We had to say "awefew."
We sat at the campfire and made S'Lesses.
My pillow only had one side.
Repossession was 9/10 of the law.
Five kids had to share one shoelace, and instead of toenails we grew toe staples.
Our scotch tape was scots-irish.
(I'm allowed)
My first shower came with sound effects and a lightshow.
One year Santa had to bring stockings.
The next year he filled them with nooses.
I did have a jumprope with a rattle on the end. And fangs on the other.
Other kids hunted eggs for Easter but we just died.
Baroque
You don't know the happiness I felt as he put his knife back in his pocket
Because their jokes don’t make any cents
...yes, I was really strapped for cash back then.
We put it against a mirror.
So I packed up and right.
It was rough.
It’s night
Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
At least he was born in a stable situation.
"NO, We don't!!!" replies the barman.
She prescribed me trans-and-dental medication.
To raise some dough.
He really kneaded the dough.
Luckily, I was up practicing my drums at the time..
“I’m never going to get to the bottom of this.”
Now it's an amputree!
So the next day I packed my things and right.
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
Apparently, he couldn't handle his boos.
Not raising your child
Nickel-less Cage
A child was born in Europe with no eyelids. They used his foreskin from the circumcision to create new eyelids for him. Everything turned out great, he's just a little cockeyed.
My first official dad joke.
Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger! I’ll be putting this in my little one’s Reddit Scholarship Fund!
He said "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know..."
It’s night.
