Jack: How’s it going? Beans: Pretty good
A new strain of head lice is going around which is resistant to conventional treatments.
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
Are we going to talk about this oar what?
I was going to tell a time-traveling joke......
....but you guys didn't like it.
I'm going to open a pizza joint where they shake a box a bit before they hand it to you.
I'll call it Little Seizures.
My doctor told me I'm going deaf.
The news was hard for me to hear.
What’s the new FedEx and UPS merger going to be called?
Do you know why scuba divers flip backwards when going into the water?
Because if they flipped forward, they'd fall into the boat.
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him is that a Fret!
I’m going to open a take out cheese shop
What do you call a group of people under 18 years old going somewhere?
I'm just going to leave it here
Heard there's a virus going around turning people into crows
This sucks, 2022 is going to be terrible
Because 2022 is 2020, too
I'm going to meet him at 2:30 again
I heard Donald Trump is going to ban shredded cheese, and make America grate again.
also in the news:
Patients who have died or been admitted to intensive care with Covid-19 have been found to be deficient in a vitamin found in spinach, eggs, and hard and blue cheeses, raising hopes that dietary change might be one part of the answer to combating the disease.
My brother hated going to jail
He refused to eat or drink anything, spat on everyone and covered the walls with his own feces...
We never played monopoly again.
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
Why do ducks hate going to restaurants?
They always have the bill.
I started going to the gym in my tuxedo, everything went well except the weight lifting...
When everything is going your way..
you're probably in the wrong lane.
Why are Ireland going into another lockdown?
Because their numbers keep Dublin
Somebody get the Captain! There’s been a hull breach! We’re going down!
I was going to tell a joke about a blunt pencil
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant...
...but then I changed my mind.
When the Mrs. could tell I was in the mood, she immediately let me know that tonight wasn’t going to happen.
She said: “Not tonight. Period.”
I was going crazy, looking around, trying to figure out who said "heads up"
And that's when it hit me...
Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t...
It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...
What did the antisocial person say before going on a trip?
Don't worry, I won't belong.
My sisters didn't believe I was going blind after I told them.
If only I could see their faces now.
What happened to the egg that kept going to the gym?
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
There’s a new drug going around that is nicknamed “angle”. My friends want to try it with me, but I took a D.A.R.E. course and don’t want to do drugs, so my friends make fun of me.
I guess I’m just too square to try angle.
I'm going to be such a good cop
I was going to open a distillery this year, but after all this uncertainty, I've decided to call it off.
It's a whiskey business, after all.
I was going to tell you a chemistry joke...
But I didnt think I would get a reaction
These days everyone seems to be going for progressiveness until it comes to something they really care about.
& hence I don't care 'bout anything.
My wife told me she was going to jump in the shower real quick.
I instinctively responded, “please don’t jump in there, that’s dangerous.” The groans were music to my ears.
I am going to open a paint studio with the Grim Reaper.
I am going to call it Brush With Death
What's it like going out with a vampire?
I'm going to have to fire my mechanic. He's always losing track of time.
And "Temporal Mechanics" is a dumb name for a company anyway.
I'm going to be working on my next dadjoke over the next few days. In the meantime, I'll keep u posted.
I was going to tell you all about my most recent fart..
But that's behind me now.
Envelope: “are we there yet? I’m worried we’re not going to make it!”
Mailman: “I’ll keep you posted”
I’m going to pick up a pack of smokes
What do you call a Stick Figure that has been going to the gym?
I told my suitcases we weren’t going on vacation
Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage
I'm going to make a Hobbit out of this
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!”
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
Why did people stop going to physical media distributors?
>!Cause it was a CD place!!<
Why have you never seen ants or bugs going to church?
I was only going to buy one budgie, but in the end I got two.
I was going to buy my kid this winter coat we saw at the mall, but I couldn't afford it.
My wife says I’m addicted to auctions but she’s wrong. I actually stopped after going once…
My whole family witnessed me going to jail
We have to play something other than monopoly next time
There’s going to be a new Walmart in India
If that’s the case, then there’s gonna be a New Delhi
When cybernetics are I’m going to replace my penis with a revolver
I could finally say I have a magnum dong
I wasn't going to say a gay joke
My job interview for the Navy was going well, until they asked if I could swim
To be honest, I thought they’d have boats.
WARNING: There is an email going around offering processed pork, Gelatin and salt in a can. If you get this email DO NOT OPEN
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
Next month, I’m going to fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in San Francisco in person.
My wife said, “What are you going to do when you finally see it?”
Me: I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.
Due to the Covid crisis, the Indian bakery in my neighborhood is going through some tough times.
They fired all Naan essential staff.
I was going to start a subreddit for people to post pictures of their favorite movers of air...
But OnlyFans was already taken.
I am going to tell an airplane joke...
I heard once that going down a hill, a bloke tripped with a coffin, and dropped it
He went into a chemist, and said, ‘I need something to stop my coffin’
I was in church the other day and the vicar was pointing his finger going "Pew, pew, pew". I asked him if he was pretending to fire a laser pistol or something...
He said "Nope, just counting the seats".
Bitcoins are going out! Sell them all and buy...
"I'm going to jump in the shower"
Funny, most people sing in the shower.
With so many sporting events canceled, they’re going to televise the World Origami Championship.
Son: Dad what are you going to do today? Dad: Well first I'm going to get a pair of glasses. Son: And after that?
This sub is going downhill
My local bakery has a martial arts promotion going on
They allow you to take-one-dough.
The sculptor was going to make a full body statue
But he stopped at the chest and called the project a bust.
I was going to make a joke about my ex...
Alright listen up, because I’m only going to say this once
This is going to be the first year our family won't be going to Hawaii because of COVID-19
Usually it's because we can't afford it.
I'm going to buy my son a fridge for Christmas...
I can't wait to see his little face light up when he opens the door!
I think this guy is going bananas. literally.
I was going to tell a joke about covid 19
But there’s a 99.62% chance you won’t get it.
Told my wife I was going with the kids to get glasses. She asked what we'll be doing afterward.
I was going to ask this girl out at my gym but she only had one leg and...
I'm lack toes intolerant.
Summer’s almost here and I’m going to buy this really trendy fan
It’s going to be so cool 😎
Some guy just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.
I said, “Is that a fret?”
I was going to tell you a time traveling joke
I was going to tell a time travelling joke
But you guys didn't like it.
My doctor told me I'm going deaf.
The news was hard for me to hear.
A new strain of head lice is going around which is resistant to conventional treatments
That has left scientists scratching their heads
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