Someone was throwing Stephen King books at everyone in the library and I couldn’t figure out what was going on-
The chances of me going out on a date are so slim, they are shady
I JUST found out that May 20 is World Bee Day. I missed it!! Am I going to be upset about it?
I’m going out on a limb here to say you’re not in a tree
My herbal addiction is getting out of control. Rosemary, Sage, anything to get that herbal hit. When the money ran out I raided the garden, that's cleared out now. Some friends have been lending me some of theirs, but it's not enough to keep me going.
I'm just living on borrowed thyme.
Three men are using a restroom. One is going in, one is inside, and one is coming out. How would you know where they are from?
Easy:
The one going in is Russian.
The one inside is European.
And the one coming out is Finnish.
Going to be a father in May so I’m practicing— Why did the duck get kicked out of class?
For quacking jokes
EDIT: this joke did wayyy better than I expected lol. Thank you all for the words of encouragement, awards, and corny jokes to follow up! I’m excited to make my family cringe for years to come
Watching Moon Knight with my kids the other day. The main character says he's going to look for some supplies. he walks to a tent, goes inside, and I yell out:
Supplies!!
And now the best part-. Any time a character in any show does something unexpected, I say the same thing, to the MANY groans and protestations of my kids.
It's great.
The other night, I got out of bed and headed to the bathroom. My wife asked, "where you going? " I said, "Urinate...
But really, you're a 10!"
My youngest said he was going to go out on a limb,
and I asked him if it would be an arm or a leg.
So I heard that they are going to stop handing out medals at the Winter Olympics..
Because they're snow winners.
If a clothing store was going out of business would they have a store clothesing sale?
And if they run out would they be clothesed for good?
One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said "It's going to rain."
One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
My dad (OG) made this up today: What do you have if you're going out with the lone ranger?
I spent my twenties with an irrational fear that every time I left the house people were going to leap out of the bushes to take an instant photograph of me.
I realise now that I was merely Polaroid.
Went out to dinner yesterday and I said to the waiter, "Budapest is going to love this".
Waiter: confused face
I said, "I named my stomach Budapest 'cause it's the capital of Hungary".
Waiter then makes post on /r/antiwork about his terrible work environment.
They were going to make a second series of the TV show, Ironside, but In the end the lead actor pulled out...
He was tired of being pushed around
What did the llama say when it found out it was going on a trip?
My favorite old coat is falling apart and now I'm going to have to throw it out
A man was fired because he refused his company’s obligation of going out on the town with the other guys.
If only he had fulfilled their man-date, he could have kept his job!
I was going to rent out my apartment to a dozen insects, but there were only...
I just filled the car up with petrol didn't notice I'd spilled some on my sleeve, going down the road I lit a ciggy and my sleeve burst into flames, so I opened the window and stuck my arm out to try and blow out the flames.
The Police pulled me and are now arresting me for having a fire arm without a license…
Why is the mathematician always going out to lunch?
Because he is the only one that can derive.
I ended up going on a blind date and my date turned out to be a frog.
I have to say, it was a”ribiting” experience!
Texting my friend who is a caretaker for a 90-year-old blind woman. We are going to hang out later but she is currently helping her write sheet music.
When my Dad found out I’d been secretly going to clown school...
...he soon wiped the smile off my face.
Instead of going out, I stayed in and watched Marvel’s newest show on Disney+
I guess you could say I had a Loki weekend.
I got tired of being judged for going bald so I went out and bought a cheap wig…
It was a small price toupée
The WHO says that once they run out of Greek letters they’re going to start naming variants after galaxies.
First up: the Andromeda Strain.
What’s the worst part about going out to eat duck?
How did Tony the Tiger find out he was going to be a dad?
His wife said “Honey, I’m laaaaaaaate”
Going out on a limb here hoping this is not a repost
Ever have one of those days where everything is going great, and a nice, warm bowl of soup would just be wonderful… but then you find out that there just aren’t ANY crackers to be found? Not in the cupboard, not in the pantry, nowhere at all?
Definitely one of those days where you’re cracker-lacking!
Person: I'm going to paint the wall at my home gym today. I hope the color works out...
Me: I hope the color works out too since there's gym equipment right there. Might as well take advantage of it.
I was going to make my new girlfriend a belt out of all my old watches
But then I figured it would just be a waist of time.
I like going out during a full moon...
...but my lycanthropy gives me pause.
I told my wife I was going to build a car out of spaghetti
Should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.
I'm going to make a Hobbit out of this
If you're American going into the bathroom and American coming out, what are you in the bathroom?
Three friends are going out to eat, one wants to go Thai another wants Mexican.
The third friend is the Thai breaker.
I’m going to open a take out cheese shop
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said "It's going to rain". His wife asked "how do you know?"
"Because rudolph the red knows rain, dear"
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