What’s the worst part about going out to eat duck?
Going out on a limb here hoping this is not a repost
I told my wife I was going to build a car out of spaghetti
Should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.
What's the difference between going out with a Geologist and a Geographer?
One rocks, the other will give you the world.
I like going out during a full moon...
...but my lycanthropy gives me pause.
Weird film trivia: I just found out that Thandie Newton's character from Mission: Impossible 2 was originally going to appear in Goldeneye, but her part was cut when they decided to film in Russia.
I was going to build a house made out of books...
But it was too novel a concept
I finally figured out what I'm going to name my dad band...
Saw (goodnight everybody!)
Three friends are going out to eat, one wants to go Thai another wants Mexican.
The third friend is the Thai breaker.
I found out that my salary from starring in porn movies was going to David Hasselhoff...
All my hard work was going to pay Hoff.
I’m going to open a take out cheese shop
My wife asked me when I thought I was going to get out of bed
Told her I would sleep on it
My girlfriend said she's going to call out sick today
I said, " that's not going to work."
I'm going to make a Hobbit out of this
Trump is going out, not with a bang, but...
I was going crazy, looking around, trying to figure out who said "heads up"
And that's when it hit me...
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied “baby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...
But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
Bitcoins are going out! Sell them all and buy...
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches
But then I realized it would be a waist of time
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said "It's going to rain". His wife asked "how do you know?"
"Because rudolph the red knows rain, dear"
I was going to ask this girl out at my gym but she only had one leg and...
I'm lack toes intolerant.
Can you believe that Boeing is going to start building planes out of cardboard to save money?!
We can’t just let things like this fly!
Finally realised these "gym" boards are not going to work out.
I'm going to show you a magic trick and make two bras out of thin air
I heard Hertz is going out of business...
I bet they come back as Painless
My wife told me she was going out to get some joggers.
I was surprised when she came home with two sweaty men.
I was going to be a doctor but they kicked me out of med school when they found out I was a coward...
The dean said, "It takes guts to learn anatomy."
"Watch out dad, that sprinkler is going to hit the sidewalk near you!"
"Don't worry buddy, it just mist me."
My wife dated a professional clown before we started going out.
I had some big shoes to fill.
I'm going out with a group of friends from OCD anonymous tonight.
Things aren't gonna get messy.
A girl I’m dating owns a bakery and works long hours. I don’t think it’s going to work out.
Every night I tell my wife I’m going out for a jog, but I don’t go, and she knows it
Disney isn't going to die and go out of business even though they completely shut down operations and didn't produce anything for three months.
They just suspended animation.
Found out my friend was going on a date
I told my wife that I was going out for a while. She asked me how long I would be gone. I said,
It’s hard to make lemonade out of lemons when the world is going bananas.
So I made banana bread instead.
Orchards around the world are going out of business en masse...
All their hard work really is just one big, fruitless endeavor.
If you're American going into the bathroom and American coming out, what are you in the bathroom?
I was in an elevator with my wife when a couple entered with their kids. I went out of my way to ask what floor they were going up to so I could push the button for them.
I wanted to prove to my wife that I was serious about raising a family.
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
Turns out that the coronavirus is set to cost the world 2.5% of the global GDP if it continues at the rate it's going.
It's very influenzial on the worldwide market.
When Hurricane Dorian hits Florida, I'm going to check out my window for the clouds to get really grey. When they're at peak greyness I'll take a picture. That way Ill always have The Picture of Dorian Grey.
My brother was stressing that someone in our house could contract the coronavirus by going out for supplies.
My dad responded: "We could all be getting viruses from our computers right now."
A prosthetics company was going out of business.
Me: I'm going to grow out the hair on my upper lip, then shave it, put it in a box, and hide that box.
Wife: Why...?
Me: It's going to be my secret stash
I told my wife I was going to make a car out of spaghetti
She just laughed.
You should of seen her face when I drove past her!
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
