Going Outside Puns

I'm afraid I'll wear it out.

If anyone is looking for me tell them I’m outstanding

"Prose Before Hose"

I said, "Technically, they're all outside lanes."

"If you fall and break a leg don't come running to me"

An older co-worker of mine said this to me today: "I'm going outside to stand around.... So, if anybody asks, I'm OUTSTANDING!"

Turns out he was full of shit.

Because it's accrual world out there.

Their rains are blessed

"BEAR FEET?!?! I only have human feet", I replied

So I went for a nice walk through the cemetery

Unless you like your Corona with Lyme.

I’m getting Spring Fever.

Because of all the rain, dear

Because it’s 2’s day

Because it was waning

Because it's code outside.

Soo.. a little background: my mother was about to visit for a walk outside the next day when this dialogue happened; also: my native language is german and i don't know if this very common in english as well, but my daughter calls my mother <stgm_at's-mother-first-name>-gramma. for the sake of this post let's assume her name is elizabeth.

so here goes...

(i enter the living room; wife & daughter sitting on the couch)

daughter: (in a moderately excited voice) hey dad, you know who's going to visit us tomorrow?

me: (acting as if i didn't know) don't know, who?

daughter: elizabeth-gramma.

me: huh, really, but do you know who is also going to visit us?

(daughter looks at me even more excited, there was defenitely a twinkle in her eye; wife looks at me sceptical)

daughter: don't know, who?

me: my mum.

(cue rolling eyes and groan from my wife and laughter from my daughter)

Congratulations you just rub a bank.

what a catastrophe

He was snowden

So I'm heading outside to go shopping, and I grab my sweatshirt. My dad says that it was too warm outside, just leave it. I, instinctively, said "cool", and he said "no, warm". I dont think I could have sighed any harder at that moment.

Because it was grounded.

You go outside and it is cold.

Dear son,

Merry Christmas!

PS: do your homework.

PPS: do your chores.

PPPS: go outside and play and stop playing video games

PPPPS: you're a fatboy, fattie. You eat too much crap food.

PPPPPS: we're shipping you off to military school next year!

Because he was snowed in.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

“Yes of course” replied Trevor

It's nice out, I think I'll leave it out.

Tell them I’m Outstanding.

I'm outstanding.

So if anyone needs me, tell them I'm outsanding.

So if anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

My wife made me this on a t-shirt yesterday. I love it.

I'm outstanding

...so if anyone asks, I'm outstanding.

If anyone asks, I'm outstanding.

So if anyone asks I'm outstanding.

I’m outstanding.

If anyone asks, I’m outstanding

When you go outside and it’s cold.