No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...

โ€œI play a little guitar!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"

I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 22k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ArchipelagoMind
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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Why won't swords go obsolete?

They are cutting edge technology.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/U-r-a-bus
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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Why wonโ€™t triangles go on dates with circles?

Theyโ€™re pointless.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Calm_Fan_381
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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tank go boosh
๐Ÿ‘︎ 3k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CakeskiMcSandvich
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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I said I was sad to have to go back to work on Monday after a long break. My four year old without missing a beat said...

Daddy, you're sad because it's SADurday.

I was so proud.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 575
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/1kings2214
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
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When I left home to go on a business trip, my wife said "Don't forget to write"

I thought, "That's unlikely... it's a basic skill, isn't it?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 387
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/EmBeeCSGO
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.

Heโ€™s my spirit guide.

Edit: Thanks guys.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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2020 24 hours to go!

I wanna be sedated.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 49
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ChristopherLove
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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To boldly go where no man has gone before
๐Ÿ‘︎ 39
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RogueDisciple
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 17k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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Help this go viral
๐Ÿ‘︎ 16
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/WangguardiumLeviosa
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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If all dogs go to heaven, where do cats go after they die?

Purrrgatory

๐Ÿ‘︎ 22
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Xerxes2004
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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My wife looked at me beaming with pride and said, โ€œWow! I never thought our son could go so far!โ€

I said, โ€œI know. This trebuchet is amazing. Go get our daughter.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 62
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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Why did the case of the toilet bandit go cold?

They had nothing to go on.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Ycarusbog
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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You know, owls never go on a date if it's raining.

It's too wet to woo.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Nonions
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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Murphy's Law states anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Have you heard of Cole's Law?

It's shredded cabbage

๐Ÿ‘︎ 67
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/loloPogi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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A nice rabbit hole to go into.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 233
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Leon08x
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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What has two thumbs and won't let them go?

My kid

Seriously, give me back my thumbs

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dadjo_kes
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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A Russian named Rudolph looked out of his window one day and told his wife not to go out without an umbrella. His wife asked โ€What makes you say thatโ€?

He replied โ€Rudolph the red knows rain dearโ€.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 72
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cotswoldboy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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Where do Jedi go to get inked?

Tattooine.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 43
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kickypie
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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I donโ€™t go to church muchโ€ฆ

But I do drink religiously...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MyLatestInvention
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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From my 70 year old dad: I hung up a map of the US in the kitchen and gave my wife a dart. I told her we would go on a two week vacation wherever she stuck the dart.

Looks like weโ€™ll be spending two weeks behind the fridge.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 58
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/pippingigi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks a go and it still hurts.....

I can't believe it's not better.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 970
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ElderHallow
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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Why did the German go to so many aromatherapy venues?

He likes a lot of spas

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/frederik_engberg
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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Humans go through reincarnation. What do shoes go through?

A reboot.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BatWaluigi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why didn't the sun go to college?

It already has like a million degrees!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 50
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/goldbeardsdelight
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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If you are offended by my dad jokes, donโ€™t get mad and ask me to go to the artificial excavation filled with water.

I mean well.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PaulFromTheParty
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What's the best time to go to a watch store?

For a clock.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KW-DadJoker
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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I can't wait to go back and dig up parts of Fort Wayne.

I'm having an Indiana Jones.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/shopcounterwill
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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My son told me the house was cold, I told him to go stand in the corner...

'Cause the corner is 90 degrees.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/THOT_Patroller-13
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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How come you can never hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because its P is silent.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/IncompotentCyborg
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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I decided to go on a vacation with my family. Almost all the hotel rooms were booked except one

It was our last resort...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DOU8LEJ480
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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Why do Canadian geese go well with mashed potatoes?

Because they make nice gray-V's.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/antirabbit
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Whenโ€™s the best time to go to the dentist?

2:30

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/watercolorfiddle
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Most puns make me go numb

Math puns make me go number

๐Ÿ‘︎ 30
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/batmans_apprentice
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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Why do male llamas go to a therapist?

Their women are such llama queens.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Lum1nar
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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Who does Mr. Salt go to when he has back pain?

Dr. Pepper.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GoodEveningItsAsa
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why does rockstar, Brian Johnson go to the US capital to cool off?

Because there's an AC in DC.

(Someone improve this joke.)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/turn_ncough
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
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I'm a teacher and every day I write a Dad Joke from this sub on the board. Today a student said this to me... I was about to go off... before I got the Dad Joke.

Student: "Sir, someone nutted on the floor!"

Me: *Begins to get angry* *Turns around... there's a hex nut on the floor*

Me: "Well played."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Plane_Garbage
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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2 years ago my doctor told me Iโ€™d go deaf

I havenโ€™t heard from him since.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 101
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/the_houser
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
First, I posted this on r/jokes but it didn't get much love. Then I realized I posted it on the wrong joke sub. Y'all love the punny jokes, so here you go:

Why are lamb chops a thing? Why do we have a food named after a baby animal?

Would you ever eat something called puppy steak? Or kitten burger? Or chick fillet?

oh wait.........

Credit goes to Matt from Studio C

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Lickedy_Split_
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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Cruise go brr
๐Ÿ‘︎ 3k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TelepathicPsych
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why did the horticulturist go to night school?

To learn thyme management

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sir_anarchist
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Sign at NASA Cafeteria:. We are go for Lunch
๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I told my daughter to go to bed because the cows are sleeping. She asked whatโ€™s that go to do with anything..

I said itโ€™s because itโ€™s pasture bedtime.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 20
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BigBadMerman
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
2 years ago my doctor told me Iโ€™d go deaf

I havenโ€™t heard from him since.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 147
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/natrickshwazey
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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