Why do thieves have trouble getting puns....
Becuse they keep taking things literally
Chinese take out: 8 dollars. Tip: 2 dollars. Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order...
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot
You know you're getting old when...
You go from hip-hopping, to hip popping.
Christmas is getting a little punny around here this year
After getting my wife pregnant with my second child, my daughter asked me why Barbie doesn’t make a pregnant Barbie.
I told her it was because Ken came in another box.
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are locked in battle, and Vader says to Luke, "I know what you're getting for Christmas." Luke says, "No, that's impossible, how could that be?" Vader leans in closer, their lightsabers crackling under the pressure, and he replies...
I can’t do good work in Excel without getting compliments,
I really need the validation.
A women was getting petrol at a petrol station and spilt some on her arm.
She rubbed the petrol off and drove away. While on the road, she lit a cigarette and her arm caught on fire. Concerned, she started waving her arm out the side of the car.
Amongst all this, the police pulled her over. "What am I under arrest for?" The officer replied "for having a firearm"
I love puns, butt this is getting outta control
I'm getting bored of hearing these Olympic athletes say .. 'how much work they've put in and the sacrifices they've made.'
What do they want a medal?
My mate says I'm getting fat, but in my defence...
I’ve had a lot on my plate recently.
A president getting impeached twice?
That really trumps all the rest.
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
This is where getting high everyday will land you.
My friend Robert is a lawyer who specializes in helping convicted people by getting their records erased permanently. Everyone calls him...
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Because dawn is tough on Greece.
What did Zeus say when he saw everyone getting drunk and acting foolish on Mt. Olympus?
Thank you for getting me through college, student loan providers.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
My distance vision is getting worse.
The moon was out this afternoon and I could only see half of it.
My bandmates are getting way to fat
I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger,
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
I thanked my student loans for getting me through college.
I just don't know how I could ever repay them!
This is real lee getting out of hand
Eyelashes are supposed to keep things from getting into your eyes, but when I do have something in my eye it's almost always an eyelash...
Graffiti around here is getting out of hand
I just printed out a bunch of pamphlets on how to avoid saying the wrong things and getting into a fight.
We Tried Getting Americans to Start Measuring Weight in Kilograms Instead of Pounds
But they were very cagey about it.
Getting rid of an annoying crease on a piece of paper is pretty easy.
All you have to do is wait, eventually it’ll crease to exist!
What's Harry Potter's author's favorite way of getting down a hill? Walking.
How does Santa Clause prevent himself from getting coronavirus?
I was getting close to retiring and offered my compost business to my son.
He replied, “I refuse to work with compost! It’s so degrading!”
What do you say to the person getting breast reduction procedure?
I hope it takes the weight off your chest.
To avoid getting addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers...
...it's time to quit cold turkey.
How did the worm feel after getting cut in half?
I was stood in a field the other day wondering why the frisbee coming towards me was getting bigger
I had real trouble getting a spoon out of the dishwasher.
How it got stuck up her butt I'd never know.
You know you are getting old...
...when your back goes out more than you do.
Its getting that time of year when it's so cold....
....people are starting to wear 2 pairs of pyjamas to Walmart.
I was at the grocery store the other day getting flour
When a guy walks up next to me and grabs some yeast.
So I said, "A man of culture, I see!"
Darth Vader knows what you’re getting for Christmas
Luke Skywalker: I know what Han is getting for Christmas.
Leia: How did you figure that out?
Luke: I felt his presence.
I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger
How does Santa Clause prevent himself from getting coronavirus?
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