Iβm having a hell of a time getting this yoga instructor to leave my house.
Every time I ask her to leave she just says βnamaste.β
π︎ 51
π
︎ Mar 24 2021
My wife complains that I'm getting fat. So this winter I decided to diet.
It's called inter"mitten" fasting to keep my hands of food
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
Keep telling jokes from this forum. My daughter's getting wise to it. She just said...
"I bet you just Reddit!" She's very pleased with herself.
π︎ 107
π
︎ Sep 12 2020
As we were getting ready to go to the beach, I reluctantly said to my wife, "I hate to say this honey, but your bikini is kinda tight and revealing." She giggled and said...
"Well then, you'd better wear your own!"
π︎ 18
π
︎ Jul 09 2020
In case youβre thinking about getting married, consider this carefullyβ-on the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you donβt.
π︎ 139
π
︎ Mar 26 2020
I went to a dinner party yesterday. The hosts are chefs and made all kinds of food, buffet style. I arrived early had some hors d'oeuvres. Then I realized I was thirsty, and I wanted to try the mixed juice drink. At this point everyone else was getting food, so I walked right up and got a cup...
π︎ 37
π
︎ Sep 23 2019
This guy from Egypt called me to invest in a tourism company, and then to ask 3 others to invest in it, while getting returns from their investments. I declined it.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 09 2020
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine
π︎ 27
π
︎ Nov 20 2019
I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
π︎ 8
π
︎ Oct 28 2019
My missus spent 2 hours getting ready to go out last night. She finally came out of the bathroom and asked βDo I look fat in this?β
I said βWell yes, but to be fair, it is a small bathroomβ.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 27 2019
Getting to Mordor would have been a lot easier this way
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 29 2019
Found this in my phone from a while ago...trying to calm my friend's nerves about getting breast implants. (X post from r/texts)
imgur.com/N7nfIlL
π︎ 86
π
︎ Oct 11 2013
Getting really annoyed now, this is the 6th ATM I've been to thats had "insufficient funds"!!
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jul 17 2017
I was on the toilet for so long the other day that I thought to myself, "I'm getting too old for this shit."
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jan 14 2018
While getting tires with my friends Dad, she messaged me to screw with me. She never responded after this.
π︎ 30
π
︎ Dec 08 2013
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 31 2016
A friend posted this one earlier. Definitely getting added to the repertoire.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Oct 02 2013
In case youβre thinking about getting married, consider this carefullyβ-on the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you donβt.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Mar 27 2020
In case youβre thinking about getting married, consider this carefullyβ-on the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you donβt.
π︎ 50
π
︎ Mar 27 2019
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me βcan you give me a lift?β
I said βSure you look great, the worlds your oyster, go for it!β
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jun 09 2019
I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 06 2018
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