I’m having a hell of a time getting this yoga instructor to leave my house.

Every time I ask her to leave she just says β€œnamaste.”

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mlucasr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife complains that I'm getting fat. So this winter I decided to diet.

It's called inter"mitten" fasting to keep my hands of food

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gp_11
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Keep telling jokes from this forum. My daughter's getting wise to it. She just said...

"I bet you just Reddit!" She's very pleased with herself.

πŸ‘︎ 107
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flayan514
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
As we were getting ready to go to the beach, I reluctantly said to my wife, "I hate to say this honey, but your bikini is kinda tight and revealing." She giggled and said...

"Well then, you'd better wear your own!"

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
In case you’re thinking about getting married, consider this carefullyβ€”-on the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

πŸ‘︎ 139
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KoronaSenpai
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
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I went to a dinner party yesterday. The hosts are chefs and made all kinds of food, buffet style. I arrived early had some hors d'oeuvres. Then I realized I was thirsty, and I wanted to try the mixed juice drink. At this point everyone else was getting food, so I walked right up and got a cup...
πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bb5x24
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
🚨︎ report
This guy from Egypt called me to invest in a tourism company, and then to ask 3 others to invest in it, while getting returns from their investments. I declined it.

It was a pyramid scheme.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheHyperthetical
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said

This is my thyme to shine

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nilaky
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report
My missus spent 2 hours getting ready to go out last night. She finally came out of the bathroom and asked β€œDo I look fat in this?”

I said β€œWell yes, but to be fair, it is a small bathroom”.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Getting to Mordor would have been a lot easier this way
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AmethystMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Found this in my phone from a while ago...trying to calm my friend's nerves about getting breast implants. (X post from r/texts) imgur.com/N7nfIlL
πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jackson5guy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2013
🚨︎ report
Getting really annoyed now, this is the 6th ATM I've been to thats had "insufficient funds"!!
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eternalrocket
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2017
🚨︎ report
I was on the toilet for so long the other day that I thought to myself, "I'm getting too old for this shit."
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2018
🚨︎ report
While getting tires with my friends Dad, she messaged me to screw with me. She never responded after this.
πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnAceOfBlades
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2013
🚨︎ report
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"

I say "What's it so fraid of?"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Poomington
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2016
🚨︎ report
A friend posted this one earlier. Definitely getting added to the repertoire.
πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sasquatch_Bob
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2013
🚨︎ report
In case you’re thinking about getting married, consider this carefullyβ€”-on the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KoronaSenpai
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
🚨︎ report
In case you’re thinking about getting married, consider this carefullyβ€”-on the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
🚨︎ report
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me β€œcan you give me a lift?”

I said β€œSure you look great, the worlds your oyster, go for it!”

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Coleman_James
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JK-BB
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
🚨︎ report

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