MES Puns

She thinks they are irrational

I said maybe.

Well, toucan play at that game.

They were Goodyears.

This happened a few years ago when my son was 6ish. When my kids hurt themselves and it doesn’t look serious I always do the “we might have to amputate that bruised hand” shtick with them. I’ve done it enough that they now roll their eyes.

So, my son got hit lightly in the face with a rubber ball. It wasn’t a hard hit and I could tell he was more upset by the shock of it rather than the pain. So I say “looks like we will have to amputate your nose.” To which he replies “then how will I smell?” And I say “terrible!”

It was my greatest dad joke ever. I felt like I could retire after that.

"Breathe you idiot, BREATHE!"

I'm so proud. We're raisin her right ;)

Old Neeeeiiiiighvy

I looked in my pocket and all I had was a $20 bill. "Do I really want this money going to drugs?", I thought to myself. "Nah." So I gave him the $20.

But I will recover.

She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up

Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.

It’s a dad-ly disease.

Happy Father’s Day to all the dads that get me though my day to day life, without you Dad Jokes wouldn’t mean a thing 😉

I'd accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.

I had to quit cold turkey.

I was like, well damn.

Dad: Whatcha reading?

Me: Just Reddit

Dad: Well if you already read it why are you reading it again?! (Nudges me) Get it?? Hahahaha

Me: (rolls eyes) Ha.Ha.

She said:

I'm mature

I'm moral

I'm polite

And, by and large, I'm perfect

Don't know why she then accused me of having "a fundamental incapability to understand the proper use of apostrophes and spacing" though....

Boss: Is your car with the mechanic?

Me: Car?

Apparently the correct term is “conjoined twins”.

A CANTSeagull!

With a cowculator!

I have a sore throat

I haven’t reddit yet

Every time I ask, they tell me it's private

"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

IT was such a nice jester

I told her to…be patient.

I’m a new dad of a five-month old baby and I was quite proud of this moment.

Me: “Brochure”

I said "Yes, dad. If something can go wrong, it will go wrong".

He then asked me if I had heard of Coles Law

"No, dad. What is that one"?

He says, "thinly sliced cabbage".

Me: “why?”

Son: “Because he had noBODY to dance with”

He’s ten and says he came up with it on his own. I’m so proud.

The good news is I can see Claire Lee now that Lorraine is gone.

..why would I want two empty glasses..!?

So, the spider is dead, the Iphone is broken, and my daughter is furious

..Desparate to win her back.

I told him it'd probably go a lot faster if he used both.

I responded with:

A pandemic is a disease from china spread by pandas. Hence the name pandaemic. It spreads all over the world because of zoos.

He looked at me like he was skeptical, so I askes a random stranger "hey, the pandemic came from china right?" Guy confirmed.

That poor kid.

Real Stupid

I still have flashbacks

Opened a lot of doors in life for me

Every time I ask someone, they tell me "it's private."