I was in a Tie & Dye tshirt making workshop. I had pun.
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︎ Aug 04 2018
My grandfather was always terrible until I had my first child
Now heβs a great grandfather
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︎ May 16 2021
I wish Covid-19 had started in Las Vegas.
Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
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︎ May 03 2021
Well someone had to do it
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︎ Apr 21 2021
My wife beamed at me and said, βI had no idea our son would go that far!β Tearing up, I stammered, βI know!"
"The trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter!"
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︎ Apr 16 2021
I had to break up with this girl who just would not stop counting.
I wonder what sheβs up to now.
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︎ Apr 04 2021
Math test failure again..if only I had 50Β’ for every one I failed.
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︎ May 20 2021
A cheese factory had exploded in France
There was nothing left but de Brie.
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︎ May 07 2021
I had a vasectomy because I didn't want any kids.
When I got home, they were still there.
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︎ Feb 27 2021
Just had an officer at the door saying he was looking for a man with one eye...
Told him to use both and heβd probably find him a lot quicker.
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︎ Mar 18 2021
This had me dying
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︎ Mar 10 2021
Did you hear that Godzilla had Diarrhea?
It was all over the town.
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︎ May 15 2021
My wife got really mad when I told her she had no sense of direction
She packed up her bags and right.
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︎ Feb 20 2021
Took my daughter to the zoo and they only had one dog
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︎ May 19 2021
I had some really expensive pasta
But it was worth every penne
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︎ May 07 2021
What did the piece of wood say when it had nothing to do?
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︎ May 10 2021
I went to a terrible zoo yesterday, it only had a dog
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︎ May 16 2021
I had a day dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda.
It was more of a fanta sea.
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︎ May 10 2021
My wife asked me today if I had seen the dog bowl.
I said no I didnβt know he could.
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︎ Feb 09 2021
Twenty years ago, we had Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs, and Bob Hope. Now we have no cash, no jobs, and no hope.
It will be a very sad day when Kevin Bacon dies.
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︎ May 20 2021
A mother gave birth to a boy with a defect, he only had a head.
There was no body, arms or legs to him but he was functioning normal and his parents loved him.
On his 21st birthday his dad took him to a bar, bought him a beer and gave it to him to drink.
Suddenly his torso grew out of his head. Around him amazed the bar started chanting βDrink, Drink!β
His dad got a second beer and gave it to him, this time he grew arms and hands. The stunned crowd all chanted again βDrink, Drinkβ
He got his third beer and drank it himself with his new hands, suddenly legs and feet grew. The crowd applauded and cheered. The son couldnβt believe it and started to run. He ran around in circles and then out of the bar. Unfortunately he ran into the road, got hit by a truck and was killed instantly. The barman looked at his dad, sighed and said βHe should have quit while he was a headβ
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︎ Apr 27 2021
My dad had a piece of skin from his shoulder grafted to his nose today. I'm just glad he'll always have a shoulder to cry on.
I also told him "now you'll be able to put your nose up at someone and give them the cold shoulder at the same time"
He thought I was "very punny"
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︎ May 13 2021
A real conversation I had with my dad.
Dad: Did you hear about the guy stealing tires off police cruisers?
Me: No, that's crazy!
Dad: Apparently the police are working tirelessly to catch the guy.
Me: ...I hate you.
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︎ May 20 2021
Just heard a man had an accident while playing peek a boo..
He's currently in the ICU.
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︎ Apr 09 2021
What did the man say to the woman he liked who had bladder problems?
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︎ May 23 2021
Had a yen to be creative this weekend...
so I crafted a large numeral in the back garden. I chopped, sawed, planed, sanded, and painted that number till it looked amazing.
My neighbour looked over the fence and enviously stated βNice one!β
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︎ May 22 2021
A coworker of mine spilled boiling hot coffee on my leg and had the nerve to ask where it hurts
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︎ Apr 15 2021
Not sure if this qualifies as dad joke, but anyways here I go: I had to strongly disagree with a friend who accused me of being a severe fence-sitter
Then again, I get where heβs coming from.
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︎ May 10 2021
I had a game of quiet tennis today.
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
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︎ May 17 2021
I asked my daughter if she had taken a bath yet and sarcastically she says yeah, so I tell her to take another one.
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︎ May 20 2021
9yo shared this one with me: What do you call a cow who just had a baby?
De-calf-inated!
Edit: it's been pointed out some people pronounce calf as cΔlf, so its taking a second. Pronounce it like decaffeinated coffee.
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︎ Feb 24 2021
My son's math's teacher was away so the head of school had to step in and take her place.
It's the principal that counts.
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︎ May 21 2021
When I was at school I had it tough. Other kids would throw lumps of gold at me.
I was a victim of bullion.
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︎ May 01 2021
Did you hear about the guy who had lots of phone sex?
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︎ May 20 2021
I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn.
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︎ Jan 21 2021
When I was a single man, I had tons of free time.
Now that I started listening to full albums, I hardly ever leave the house.
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︎ May 12 2021
When Bruce, my beloved golden retriever died, I had him skinned and turned into a cardigan.
Have to admit, it's rather fetching.
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︎ May 23 2021
I call my wife Doe and she calls me Buck. My friend thought this was weird, so I had to explain...
They're terms of endeerment.
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︎ Apr 17 2021
We had a potato cannon once. We had some dumpster bread. We were shooting it full of grass, bread and leaves....
Technically our cannon "shoots eats and leaves".
(As in the oxford comma panda assassin... that "eats, shoots, and leaves")
Anyway I've waited years for someone to appreciate this .... and it has never happened so far. I hope you are slightly amused....
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︎ May 07 2021
Did you hear about the man who had his left side amputated?
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︎ May 08 2021
I had a mean sandwich the other day.
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︎ May 13 2021
I had to have my right arm amputated....
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︎ May 22 2021
I had a glass statue of Captain Kirk. My dog ran by and knocked it over and it broke.
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︎ May 17 2021
Why was the dolphin sad? because it had no porpoise in life.
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︎ May 18 2021
My friend David had his ID stolen.
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︎ Apr 24 2021
When I was younger I had to work in a cheap pizza shop to get by.
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︎ May 04 2021
If I had a son I'd name him Kelvin.
Because kelvin is an absolute unit
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︎ May 20 2021
The strangest job I had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.
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︎ Apr 22 2021
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