I took a job as the head of Old McDonald’s farm
I bought a record at the charity shop the other day, "Sounds That Wasps Make". I took it home and it sounded nothing like Wasps.
That's when I realised I was playing the Bee side.
Someone broke into my garage last night, stole my tools and stuff, but I can't believe they took my limbo stick too.
Seriously..how low can you go ?
Friend of mine asked why I took a side job at the bakery
I told him I don’t knead the dough, but I do get a rise out of it
Took my daughter to the zoo and they only had one dog
A rainbow took an exam..
It passed with flying colors!
So I took my phone to this shady repair shop
Apparently someone ‘stole’ my battery overnight; so she gave my phone back to me, free of charge.
I took my young son for a beer today for the first time.
I got him a Budweiser, but he didn't like it. So I drank it. I tried him on Coors and he hated that too. So I drank that too. Same thing with Guiness and Whiskey. I was doubling up on everything and he was happy with Apple juice.
By the time we started on vodkas, I was way too drunk to push his pram home.
A man who took an airline to court after losing his luggage...
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese
Imagine if Aladdin took place in Italy and when he finally finds the lamp and gives it a good rub, out pops...
Took my wife to the West Indies on Holiday a few years back
Jamaica?
No - she wanted to go.
I took my new cat back to the shop as it won't come in doors and just keeps running round the outside of my house.
The shop keeper refused to take it back saying that I asked for a lap cat!
The bus I took to school was driving on a new sort of fuel.
Apparently, it was driving on time
Finally took my chances and went put on the pull with my new aftershave called breadcrumbs
Complete success! The birds love it
It only took me six months to finish this jigsaw puzzle. I’m very proud of myself.
My friend asked me if we could end lunch after I was done my sandwich. I took one more bite and then said...
"Actually, that's a wrap!"
True Story: My wife took my 15 year old daughter to get her 1st ...
Pfizer vaccination on Friday night at a local CVS. The place was packed and there was an older couple there thanking everyone for getting vaccinated. When my wife and daughter got home they were telling me about how packed it was. My daughter mentioned the older couple and said that when they thanked her, they asked which shot she received. “Pfizer”, she said. The couple said, “Well we’re Moderna folks!” My daughter asked me why that mattered…. Well, I said… In 2 years, all of us Modera folks will have grown two heads and all of you Pfizer people will probably have four arms. My daughter then looks innocently at both my wife and I and said, “what about the people that got the Johnson & Johnson vaccine?” My wife and I completely lost it… we laughed so hard our stomachs hurt. My daughter started laughing too, but had no idea.
A hitman named Arti was so broke he took a job for $5 and strangled 2 people at the grocery store
The next day the newspaper read "Arti chokes two for $5 at the supermarket"
I took 2 aspirin pills yesterday and I ran away from my kids
Because I read the label and it said to keep away form children
My mother always told me I look more like her from the waste up, but took after my father from the waste down...
... because I'm a smart a**
So, I took this Liverpool (UK) girl out to a vegetarian restaurant
I said, “Do you like avocado?”
She said, “No, I aven’t even passed me driving test yet”
Water and Mud once took each other to court.
My wife took off with a tractor salesman.
Left me with a John Deere Letter.
My dad took me down to a garden centre to buy manure but they were out of stock.
We weren't taking shit from anyone that day
How many fire flies does it took too screw in a light bulb?
No one knows exactly, but it takes a lot. They aren't that bright.
Just a moment ago, my hands began to convulse, my fingernails turned into sharp talons, my palms became thick, hairy, and tough. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and the feeling went away
I just had two paws for a moment
True story: many years ago I adopted a new dog. Took him to his first visit to the vet.
The lady at the vet: “what’s his name?”
Me: “The shelter told me his name is Toby”
Her: “Well, what does he think his name is?”
Me: “........ Kunte Kinte”
She didn’t get it. Once in a lifetime joke wasted.
I can’t believe some lowlife broke into my garage. They took my prized possession: my Limbo bar.
I mean how low can you go?
My wife couldn’t believe I took my old high school bully out tonight.
I took a crash course on driving
And yet they blame me for the car accident
I've had M.C. Hammer music in my head so much today that's it's giving me a headache. I took 2 Tylenol, but....
I took my boys to the traveling circus and told them to keep their focus on the biggest pole...
...because that's the center of a tent son.
The man stood up after a rousing speech, took a bow and marched out triumphantly.
He was protesting against violins in schools.
Took me a minute I can’t lie
I took the shell off my racing snail thinking it would make him faster.
It didn't work, now he is more sluggish....
I took a test on trees.
A lot of the questions I was stumped on.
I took the kids to see Paw Patrol live
Mama troll was nowhere in sight.
In college I took a class on braille.
The professor said we'll probably touch on everything.
Even took me a while ngl..
I took the brakes out of my Ford Fiesta
Now the party never stops
A man took a bullet to the face in a shooting last week. If anyone has any information please call city police.
The only thing they have to go on is the mug shot.
Anakin was a bad student. Never paid attention in class, never took any tests seriously. All his teachers were angry with him. Teacher Obi-Wan was specially worried when he had to say,
"I have failed you, Anakin. I have failed you."
I took my exam in a restaurant
because the customer is always right
Did you hear about a pilot who took his skywriting exam?
He passed it with flying colors
I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
But if anything, it made him more sluggish.
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