I took a job as the head of Old McDonald’s farm

I’m the CIEIO

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Eternal_Punshine
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2021
🚨︎ report
I bought a record at the charity shop the other day, "Sounds That Wasps Make". I took it home and it sounded nothing like Wasps.

That's when I realised I was playing the Bee side.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/redwolve378
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Took me a while
πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rajeevist
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Someone broke into my garage last night, stole my tools and stuff, but I can't believe they took my limbo stick too.

Seriously..how low can you go ?

πŸ‘︎ 133
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Friend of mine asked why I took a side job at the bakery

I told him I don’t knead the dough, but I do get a rise out of it

πŸ‘︎ 671
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/troutslayer12
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Took my daughter to the zoo and they only had one dog

It was a shih tzu.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chaoscontrol71
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2021
🚨︎ report
A rainbow took an exam..

It passed with flying colors!

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pathrado
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2021
🚨︎ report
So I took my phone to this shady repair shop

Apparently someone β€˜stole’ my battery overnight; so she gave my phone back to me, free of charge.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/One-Angry-Goose
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I took my young son for a beer today for the first time.

I got him a Budweiser, but he didn't like it. So I drank it. I tried him on Coors and he hated that too. So I drank that too. Same thing with Guiness and Whiskey. I was doubling up on everything and he was happy with Apple juice.

By the time we started on vodkas, I was way too drunk to push his pram home.

πŸ‘︎ 59
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
🚨︎ report
A man who took an airline to court after losing his luggage...

....has lost his case.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...

Turns out they were Portu-Geese

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MediocreGinga
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Imagine if Aladdin took place in Italy and when he finally finds the lamp and gives it a good rub, out pops...

The Chicken Fettugenie!

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GIGA255
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Took my wife to the West Indies on Holiday a few years back

Jamaica?

No - she wanted to go.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Adam_Gill_1965
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I took my new cat back to the shop as it won't come in doors and just keeps running round the outside of my house.

The shop keeper refused to take it back saying that I asked for a lap cat!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2021
🚨︎ report
The bus I took to school was driving on a new sort of fuel.

Apparently, it was driving on time

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/quinten1299
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Finally took my chances and went put on the pull with my new aftershave called breadcrumbs

Complete success! The birds love it

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/I-am-Just-Sam
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
🚨︎ report
It only took me six months to finish this jigsaw puzzle. I’m very proud of myself.

The box said 2-4 years.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SleepyLobster
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend asked me if we could end lunch after I was done my sandwich. I took one more bite and then said...

"Actually, that's a wrap!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrDewinYourMom
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
🚨︎ report
True Story: My wife took my 15 year old daughter to get her 1st ...

Pfizer vaccination on Friday night at a local CVS. The place was packed and there was an older couple there thanking everyone for getting vaccinated. When my wife and daughter got home they were telling me about how packed it was. My daughter mentioned the older couple and said that when they thanked her, they asked which shot she received. β€œPfizer”, she said. The couple said, β€œWell we’re Moderna folks!” My daughter asked me why that mattered…. Well, I said… In 2 years, all of us Modera folks will have grown two heads and all of you Pfizer people will probably have four arms. My daughter then looks innocently at both my wife and I and said, β€œwhat about the people that got the Johnson & Johnson vaccine?” My wife and I completely lost it… we laughed so hard our stomachs hurt. My daughter started laughing too, but had no idea.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gorillacode
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2021
🚨︎ report
A hitman named Arti was so broke he took a job for $5 and strangled 2 people at the grocery store

The next day the newspaper read "Arti chokes two for $5 at the supermarket"

πŸ‘︎ 114
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
🚨︎ report
I took 2 aspirin pills yesterday and I ran away from my kids

Because I read the label and it said to keep away form children

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
My mother always told me I look more like her from the waste up, but took after my father from the waste down...

... because I'm a smart a**

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DavidkDavid
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
🚨︎ report
So, I took this Liverpool (UK) girl out to a vegetarian restaurant

I said, β€œDo you like avocado?”

She said, β€œNo, I aven’t even passed me driving test yet”

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Strange_An0maly
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Water and Mud once took each other to court.

They settled.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jester57
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife took off with a tractor salesman.

Left me with a John Deere Letter.

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dasbett311
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
🚨︎ report
My dad took me down to a garden centre to buy manure but they were out of stock.

We weren't taking shit from anyone that day

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Coralthesequel
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
🚨︎ report
How many fire flies does it took too screw in a light bulb?

No one knows exactly, but it takes a lot. They aren't that bright.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bobbert84
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Just a moment ago, my hands began to convulse, my fingernails turned into sharp talons, my palms became thick, hairy, and tough. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and the feeling went away

I just had two paws for a moment

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2021
🚨︎ report
True story: many years ago I adopted a new dog. Took him to his first visit to the vet.

The lady at the vet: β€œwhat’s his name?”

Me: β€œThe shelter told me his name is Toby”

Her: β€œWell, what does he think his name is?”

Me: β€œ........ Kunte Kinte”

She didn’t get it. Once in a lifetime joke wasted.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/02K30C1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I can’t believe some lowlife broke into my garage. They took my prized possession: my Limbo bar.

I mean how low can you go?

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/doctor_boombot
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife couldn’t believe I took my old high school bully out tonight.

I love being a sniper.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/badindc
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I took a crash course on driving

And yet they blame me for the car accident

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoesMemories
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
🚨︎ report
I've had M.C. Hammer music in my head so much today that's it's giving me a headache. I took 2 Tylenol, but....

It can't touch this.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CognitiveNerd1701
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I took my boys to the traveling circus and told them to keep their focus on the biggest pole...

...because that's the center of a tent son.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
The man stood up after a rousing speech, took a bow and marched out triumphantly.

He was protesting against violins in schools.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bttrflyr
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Took me a minute I can’t lie
πŸ‘︎ 80
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/i_like_miniwheats
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I took the shell off my racing snail thinking it would make him faster.

It didn't work, now he is more sluggish....

πŸ‘︎ 85
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/noodlesvonsoup
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
🚨︎ report
I took a test on trees.

A lot of the questions I was stumped on.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ConfidentDuck1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I took the kids to see Paw Patrol live

Mama troll was nowhere in sight.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/handr0
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
In college I took a class on braille.

The professor said we'll probably touch on everything.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Even took me a while ngl..
πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Un_FaZed211
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I took the brakes out of my Ford Fiesta

Now the party never stops

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RustyNails95
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
🚨︎ report
A man took a bullet to the face in a shooting last week. If anyone has any information please call city police.

The only thing they have to go on is the mug shot.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Anakin was a bad student. Never paid attention in class, never took any tests seriously. All his teachers were angry with him. Teacher Obi-Wan was specially worried when he had to say,

"I have failed you, Anakin. I have failed you."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Esmeralda_i
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I took my exam in a restaurant

because the customer is always right

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/winmaejp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about a pilot who took his skywriting exam?

He passed it with flying colors

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GrabApprehensive
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.

But if anything, it made him more sluggish.

πŸ‘︎ 387
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.