A hitman named Arti was so broke he took a job for $5 and strangled 2 people at the grocery store
The next day the newspaper read "Arti chokes two for $5 at the supermarket"
So, I took this Liverpool (UK) girl out to a vegetarian restaurant
I said, “Do you like avocado?”
She said, “No, I aven’t even passed me driving test yet”
My wife took off with a tractor salesman.
Left me with a John Deere Letter.
I can’t believe some lowlife broke into my garage. They took my prized possession: my Limbo bar.
I mean how low can you go?
I took my boys to the traveling circus and told them to keep their focus on the biggest pole...
...because that's the center of a tent son.
I took a test on trees.
A lot of the questions I was stumped on.
I took a bath
And I was promptly removed from the hardware store premises.
We took a family vacation to Alaska. When we landed, dad asked:
Did Juneau we’re in the capitol city?
I took my exam in a restaurant
because the customer is always right
In college I took a class on braille.
The professor said we'll probably touch on everything.
A thief took my Microsoft Office license key
I'll come and get you thief! You have my Word
I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
But if anything, it made him more sluggish.
I took up origami for a while
It was too much paperwork
Went out and took pictures of wheat, oats, rice, and corn...
Unfortunately, they all came out pretty grainy. One of them you could barley make out.
I once took a trip to Seattle on a plane in which the stewards only served candy made when peanut butter meets milk chocolate...
I don't know how far this Reese eating airline goes...
Took me a minute I can’t lie
I took a picture of a satellite
Did you hear about the frog who took his own life?
Before his music career took off, Daryl Hall worked as a trucker for Quaker.
I took my car for a service yesterday morning.
The pastor told me to get out, as I was blocking the aisle.
It snowed 8" last night - took me an hour to shovel the driveway.
When my wife and I started dating, I took her on a date that cost an arm and a leg.
I guess you could say I went out on a limb for her.
The monster took all the keys off my keyboard.
Now I'm out of control and there's no escape.
How did Vader feel before he took his jedi test?
An old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist, "Is there some pills that can help with sex?" The pharmacist says, "Yes, Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself" The old guy asks, "Can you get it over the counter?" Pharmacist replies, "If I took 2 or 3, probably."
I took a group tour of a milk factory ...
While inside, I took a deep breath and said, "Ahh, nice dairy air!"
The woman next to me strongly disagreed. She didn't have to smack me though ...
The elevator at work was broken so I took the stairs...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Now no one can get down.
And elon took that personally...
Wife took a picture of Doctor Hoo
I promised my wife I'd follow her into the afterlife if she died, but it took me longer than expected.
"Finally," she said when I arrived, "you're late."
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo....
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
Even took me a while ngl..
I took a poll recently...
.....and 100% of strippers were furious they had nothing to dance on.
Did you hear about the kittens that took over the ship?
It was a mewtiny.
*saw this joke while playing The Walking Dead Michonne
The man who took my diary died in an accident yesterday..
At this dificult situation, my thoughts are with his family.
It took me over 6 months to come up with a joke about calendars and clocks.
I just took a pill that makes you defy gravity
I took dead batteries from the store
They were free of charge.
Proud!! I just put a puzzle together, it only took 2 days.
Did you know, if you took out your brain, and laid every neuron out in a line . . .
You heard about the fruit clan that took their young grapes out into the hot summer day?
They were raisin' a family.
I took my laptop with me on a recent road trip.
When I was a kid, I was so ugly, my mother took me everywhere....
....just so, she wouldn't have to kiss me goodbye.
The one time I took a librarian on a date, she cost me a bloody fortune.
My own fault though, I kept her out too long.
From a random UK_food thread, took me two reads but nice subtle pun
A man who took a airline to court for losing his luggage...
Cupcake decorating took a turn on Valentine's day when my daughter got frosting all over the freezer
I told my wife to just leave it though since the freezer has an auto defrost feature
I have a friend who took a selfie in the shower, but it came out blurry.
He has selfie-steam issues
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