My wife asked me today if I had seen the dog bowl.
I said no I didnβt know he could.
π︎ 10k
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︎ Feb 09 2021
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
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︎ Jan 10 2021
I went to the zoo and seen a baguette in a cage.
The zoo told me it was bread in captivity.
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︎ Feb 17 2021
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl
...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.
Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling π³ '
Thank you for the awards
π︎ 10k
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︎ Dec 17 2020
My boss just told me that Iβm the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit..l meant to post this somewhere else.
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︎ Dec 14 2020
My mate has just seen the Chernobyl documentary...
He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980βs and was able to count at least 8 historical inaccuracies on one hand.
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︎ Jan 21 2021
Last light I seen a drunk couple weaving all over the street
I thought βhonestly, get a loomβ.
π︎ 40
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︎ Feb 01 2021
π︎ 13
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︎ Jan 10 2021
Have you seen the new movie βConstipationβ? No?
Thatβs because it hasnβt come out yet
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︎ Jan 14 2021
A man was seen doing something curious on a flight to Europe
Before boarding the plane, he threw some salt off the flight bridge
After they landed, he tossed some paprika
On the next leg, some nutmeg and a pinch of cumin.
The flight crew saw the combination, there was only one conclusion they could make...
He was a seasoned traveler
π︎ 12
π
︎ Feb 16 2021
I have seen this before... But spoilers!
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 21 2021
Have you ever seen a red toad? They turn that color when they eat red mushrooms.
If you donβt believe me, just go check some toadstool.
π︎ 3
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︎ Feb 16 2021
Scientists have developed a microscopic needle that is too small to be seen by the naked eye...
I just don't see the point.
π︎ 13
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︎ Jan 12 2021
Just seen that there's a nudist convention on in town next week....
...I might go if I've got nothing on
π︎ 4
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︎ Jan 27 2021
Have you ever seen Mount Rushmore before it was carved?
Its beauty was unpresidented.
π︎ 152
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︎ Dec 15 2020
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
....and then put it back on the shelf.
π︎ 5
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︎ Feb 04 2021
Iβve seen way too many Hindsight is 2020 jokes tonight.
I shouldβve seen it coming, but... you know.
π︎ 42
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︎ Jan 01 2021
Iβll never forget the day I saw the ugliest man Iβve ever seen.
The dude thought it was funny to copy my every move, heβs lucky there was a pane of glass between us.
π︎ 6
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︎ Jan 22 2021
My son asked: βDad, have you seen my sunglasses?β
I replied: βNo son, but have you seen my dad glasses?β
π︎ 12k
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︎ Aug 17 2020
Our neighbour's 6 year old son was sleeping in their house, I've seen it and called the Cops right away
π︎ 8
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︎ Jan 29 2021
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jan 04 2021
Have you ever seen sausages hanging up in a butchers shop?
I havent. I've only seen them hanging down.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 26 2021
Seen on a dog owner's doormat
"Dog can't hold his licker."
π︎ 7
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︎ Jan 22 2021
I have seen some crappy posts in this sub so here are some gems
Rubies, Diamonds, Emeralds, Opal, and Sapphire
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︎ Nov 18 2020
Has anyone seen the new movie thatβs playing in all the theaters?
Itβs called βCLOSEDβ.
π︎ 6
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︎ Dec 31 2020
Have you seen who's playing the lead in the new Blind Batman film?
π︎ 6
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︎ Jan 04 2021
I haven't seen many Thanksgiving puns yet
But I'm sure more may flower in time.
π︎ 2
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︎ Nov 25 2020
To those of you who have seen Tenet
Do you agree itβs the best movie you will ever see in rewind?
π︎ 2
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︎ Jan 19 2021
Have you seen the movie about production methods of boats, planes, and bridges in the 20th century?
I can't remember the name but it's riveting.
π︎ 8
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︎ Jan 02 2021
Transcription of a message pic, seen on r/lgbt
Mom: Can you come out?
Kid: Yeah, gimme a minute.
Kid: Mom, I'm gay.
Mom: I know that silly, come out to the car.
Kid: Car, I'm gay.
π︎ 33
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︎ Dec 18 2020
A lad asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled L.S.D.?"
Granny replied, "Never mind the pills. Have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"
π︎ 11
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︎ Dec 26 2020
At his wedding, my buddy called me the worst best man he has ever seen.
π︎ 41
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︎ Dec 07 2020
Have you seen the car crash at the national association for blind people?
Witnesses claim they didn't see it coming
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 05 2020
Could we have seen this coming?
π︎ 613
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︎ Jul 14 2020
Did you know that when it snows my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen?
π︎ 3
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︎ Nov 21 2020
I hope you haven't seen this before, but it needs to be reposted.
π︎ 35
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︎ Sep 19 2020
Dad: Son, have you seen my eye drops?
Son: Oh. Looks like I dropped them
π︎ 4
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︎ Dec 03 2020
My brother who works in a tannery has gone missing. We haven't seen hair nor hide of him.
π︎ 4
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︎ Oct 26 2020
My girlfriend is a vegetarian and I have never seen herbivore
π︎ 9
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︎ Oct 31 2020
Man seen stealing police car wheels.
The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
π︎ 51
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︎ Oct 04 2020
The wife asked me tonight if Iβd seen the dog bowl.
I said βto be honest I didnβt even know he played cricketβ.
π︎ 57
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︎ Feb 06 2021
Last night my wife asked if I had seen the dog bowl...
I said, "I didn't know he could!"
π︎ 79
π
︎ Jan 03 2021
My wife asked me if Iβd seen the dog bowl..
I said βI didnβt know he could.β
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jan 03 2021
Wife asked if I'd seen the dog bowl...
βDidn't even know he played cricket" I replied
π︎ 22
π
︎ Dec 12 2020
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