Breaking news: Irish officials have reported that a passenger 747 has crashed into a Belfast cemetery. Investigators have discovered over ten thousand dead bodies at the scene. One local witness at a nearby pub claimed it was a Guinness record.

To be sure. I’ll let myself out.....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/greggy_rabs
πŸ“…︎ May 14
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What is it called when you witness an act of god in a mirror?

A mirrorcle.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarthbane
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28
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What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an Atheist?

Someone who knocks on your door for no reason at all.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/henchy91
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16
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A guy came to the door, asked if I wanted to be Jehovah's Witness ...

I said "Are you kidding, I didn't even see the accident." (Props to the Unknown Comic.)

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Charles_Deetz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17
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If you witness a crime in an Apple store...

Does that make you an iWitness?

πŸ‘︎ 198
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WinGs5000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
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The cop asked the witness "Where did the hackers go?"

The witness replied "I don't know, they just ransomware."

πŸ‘︎ 111
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fitzz7
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2019
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The local drug dealer in town started dressing as a Jehovah’s Witness so as not to arouse suspicion.

He was arrested when cops saw people actually letting him in.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2018
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Lettuce witness people go hΓ m in the comments
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lamvbk
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
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I got sued once... the plaintiff brought in a rabbit as his key witness...

The judge dismissed it as hare say.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
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We were about to witness our first autopsy in medical school. My friend said, β€œWhat do you think it’ll be like?”

I said, β€œRemains to be seen.”

πŸ‘︎ 303
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2019
🚨︎ report
If you witness a robbery at an Apple Store...

...does that make you an iWitness?

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gigadude17
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Jehovah’s Witness don’t celebrate Halloween

I guess they don’t appreciate random strangers knocking on their doors

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tedt93
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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Why is someone called an β€œEye witness”. Shouldn’t it be β€œI witness”?
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A-PiggerNussy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
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What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory

I saw the hump take a dump in a clump

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stevebox2345
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
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My friend, who is a Jehovah’s Witness, is really mad at me.

He told me a Knock Knock joke, and I refused to answer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2018
🚨︎ report
How did the upbeat witness identify the ghost?

"That's the spirit!"

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryanooooo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2018
🚨︎ report
A Jehovah's Witness knocked on my door.

He gave me a leaflet and said, "Who knows? You might find it useful."

So I scrunched it up into a ball and threw it at him. "I guess you were right," I replied.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2018
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What should you do if you witness a kidnapping?

Let them sleep

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/man_the_human
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2018
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Eye witness.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HouruDrakk
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2018
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About half of my friends love the movie β€œWitness”, and half of them hates it.

It’s either a hit or Amish.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
🚨︎ report
A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door...

Jew: "Can I help you?"

Witness: "Hello sir, I'm here to tell you about the great Lord Jehovah!"

Jew: "Is that what you call him? You know, we have a name for him too..."

Witness: "No way?!"

Jew: "Yahweh."

πŸ‘︎ 646
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smarvin6689
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2016
🚨︎ report
I’m often a witness to my British friend Richard’s antics, involving randomly placing baked desserts in people’s homes.

More than once I’ve spotted Dick putting.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhiteWalterBlack
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2018
🚨︎ report
If your dad tells a joke and you turn it back around on him, you may be able to witness a groan man.
πŸ‘︎ 129
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sorthum
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2016
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They say that getting married as a women is like being put on a witness protection programme

The bride gets a new name and a dress.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2017
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Why Jehovah witness don't celebrate Halloween?

Because the hate people knocking on their doors πŸšͺ

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/miogato2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2016
🚨︎ report
Was a witness to a (grand)dad joke last night at a restaurant.

Grandpa was tucking his toddler granddaughter into her seat at the table when the waitress asked "would you like a high chair or a booster seat?" to which he instantly responded "No thanks I'm tall enough".

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaaaaaaamesbaxter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2013
🚨︎ report
if you witness a robbery at an apple store, what are you?

An Iwitness

πŸ‘︎ 138
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MweeisMe
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2018
🚨︎ report
A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door... [Re-post from r/Jokes]

A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door.

Jew: "Can I help you?"

Witness: "Hello sir, I'm here to tell you about the great Lord Jehovah!"

Jew: "Is that what you call him? You know, we have a name for him too..."

Witness: "No way?!"

Jew: "Yahweh."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Huntrossity
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2014
🚨︎ report

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