The judge says, "You might as well take the stand. According to your record of thefts and the current larceny charges against you, it appears that you've already taken about everything else."
The plaintiff got X-posed
It was a brief case.
The plaintiff got exposed
A-bomb-in-a-bull!
GAVEL GAVEL GAVEL
With a cowitzer.
Go for the juggler.
The DefendANT
Theyβre calling themselves the Guard-Ians of the Galaxy.
I donβt vax my floors. I donβt vax my chest hair, and I certainly donβt vax my legs.
Just so I can say, "Your honour!! My client clearly isn't a flight risk."
But as anyone that has worked the night shift knows it can be a long and boring affair. No great threats to defend against. So this knight decided to improve himself, night after night he would bring books to read while he stood guard. Learning languages, math, philosophy. The smarter he gets the more he realizes that he will likely leave the world and be forgotten. In his depression he turns to music, learning instrument after instrument, style after style. Using his knowledge of math to create beautiful patterns and moving songs. He learns that it is they rhythm more than anything that draws people to a song and sets his nights to finding the rhythm that will be universally loved. Now, hundreds of years after his death, people the world over still remember Sir Cadian's Rhythm.
A Civil Serpent.
Iβm raisin awareness
The defendant who is a robot: "Guilty as charged"
Because he couldn't stand up for himself
Anyone that successfully defended their thesis.
Fort-hen
She prescribed me trans-and-dental medication.
After taking a bullet to the knee, his friend wasn't as lucky.
Others do them just for kicks.
A defend-ant
Jew-jitsu
Expecto Petroleum!
Defendant: Say-you-did-what.
Judge: What did you say?
Defendant: Thanks for reversing my sentence.
A fortnight
It was a brief case
A cannabusinessman!
we call the defendant quilty"
βWe didnβt start the fireβ
Judge: Why did you bring a taser to your lecture?
Defendent: Well you see sir, I have a hard time getting up in the morning. But Iβm not a big fan of soft drinks or coffee, so I thought the next best thing was to give me a good shock.
I wasn't peppered.
A skeleton crew.
My mom is not more than 5 foot, so we all tease her about being short. My daughter is now as tall as her, so in church my mom is introducing her granddaughter to some friends and says that she has to wear elevator shoes to stay taller than her. I chime in, "yes, sometimes her elevator doesn't go to the top floor." The couple lost it, my mom was stunned, my daughter laughing her head off.
Chester, the defendant, stood in front of the judge's imposing bench, waiting patiently for the reason why he was there. To further muddle the moment, he stared at items unfamiliar to him, at least in that context.
Perched on and near His Honor's desk were the following: A DuraLast Ultra in one car with a long, black cord stretching to another car, several alkaline D cells plugged into a black box, and lastly, a cell phone with its cord sticking into the wall.
Finally removing Chester's questioned look was his attorney leaning into his ear to whisper, "It's official, now: You're facing battery charges."
So this is a true story.
I work a retail job. My friend neglected to properly put his Mustang in park in his space. It moved backwards across the lot and in to a customer's Jeep Grand Cherokee. Luckily for him, the damage was not serious.
Unlucky for him, all of my coworkers (and a few customers) proceeded to mercilessly roast him on the showroom floor.
Looking to me to defend him, he asked, "why don't you back me up?"
I said: "Back up seems to be the last thing you need, I'd just learn to roll with it, you might say I'm pretty neutral..."
Have you anything to say before I pass sentence?
"Nothing your honor" the defendant replies.
Judge asks the clerk of the court "what did the gentleman say?"
The clerk repeats "nothing your honor"
Judge says "I'm sure I seen his lips move"
