I just killed the biggest mouse I’ve ever seen.
And got a lifetime ban from Disneyland.
My wife asked me today if I had seen the dog bowl.
I said no I didn’t know he could.
Have you seen the price of chimneys lately?
They’re through the roof!
Just seen the police arrest a dog that was giving birth at the side of the road.
Apparently it was littering.
Seen on r/whatisthisthing
Wife: Have you seen where I left my panties?
Husband (pointing): they are under there.
Wife: under where?
Husband: yes.
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
Hey dad, have you seen my sunglasses?
Dad: No son, have you seen my dad glasses?
Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a tree?
Exactly. Because they're damn good at it!
A woman goes to her doctor. He says: “Haven’t seen you in a long time”
She says: “That’s because I was sick”.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl
...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.
Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling 🎳 '
Thank you for the awards
I went to the zoo and seen a baguette in a cage.
The zoo told me it was bread in captivity.
My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit..l meant to post this somewhere else.
Have you seen my updog?
What's updog?
Nothing much, whats up with you!
Have you seen the movie Constipated?
Nope. It hasn't come out yet
Has anyone actually ever seen Big Foot?
You seen the ad campaign trying to get people to adopt dachshunds?
“Get a long, little doggy.”
Have you seen a gentoo penguin?
Such an improvement over the Gen1 models!
Have you seen the blind guy on the news lately?
What did the monster say to his son after he hadn’t seen him for years?
A fisherman came to me telling me he had just reeled in the biggest fish hes ever seen, and that he was going to give it to me for free.
I asked him, 'whats the catch?'
My mate has just seen the Chernobyl documentary...
He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980’s and was able to count at least 8 historical inaccuracies on one hand.
A couple days ago I went for a walk beside a pasture and seen a lone cow when I went again today he wasn't there
I guess he got a promotion for being the only one outstanding in his field
"Have you seen my Post-it note for our neighbour's party on the fridge?" my wife asked.
I said, "I don't want our neighbours having a party on our fridge."
Wife: “Have you seen the cat bowl?"
No, I didn't know he could!
(Thanks and credit to Kia)
You should have seen the fish my friend caught the other day
You've seen Mentos and Coke, but what happens when you put Coke in the oven?
Have you guys seen the Disney movie about the dancing ghost princess?
It's called polka-haunt-us
Have you ever seen Mount Rushmore before it was carved?
Its beauty was unpresidented.
Scientists have developed a microscopic needle that is too small to be seen by the naked eye...
I just don't see the point.
I have seen some crappy posts in this sub so here are some gems
Rubies, Diamonds, Emeralds, Opal, and Sapphire
A man was seen doing something curious on a flight to Europe
Before boarding the plane, he threw some salt off the flight bridge
After they landed, he tossed some paprika
On the next leg, some nutmeg and a pinch of cumin.
The flight crew saw the combination, there was only one conclusion they could make...
He was a seasoned traveler
I’ve seen way too many Hindsight is 2020 jokes tonight.
I should’ve seen it coming, but... you know.
Just seen that there's a nudist convention on in town next week....
...I might go if I've got nothing on
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
I’ll never forget the day I saw the ugliest man I’ve ever seen.
The dude thought it was funny to copy my every move, he’s lucky there was a pane of glass between us.
Could we have seen this coming?
"Have you seen the dog bowl?"
My son asked: “Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
I replied: “No son, but have you seen my dad glasses?”
The wife asked me tonight if I’d seen the dog bowl.
I said ‘to be honest I didn’t even know he played cricket’.
Last night my wife asked if I had seen the dog bowl...
I said, "I didn't know he could!"
My wife asked me if I’d seen the dog bowl..
I said “I didn’t know he could.”
Wife asked if I'd seen the dog bowl...
“Didn't even know he played cricket" I replied
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