My son kept chewing on all the electrical chords we had set up for the holidays, so I grounded him...
He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly...
My personal trainer was upset at me because I kept using the same machine at the gym
It was the vending machine
I got a job cleaning the building where the horses are kept.
It's not much but it's stable work.
My blind friend kept lying to me...
It was hard for him to see the truth
I was having problems with the printer at work last week and I had to ring the engineer. I told him that I kept putting paper in to the printer but the display kept saying it just can't get enough...
The engineer said "ah yes.... it's stuck in Depeche Mode"....
My son kept dropping scrabble tiles.
I got angry,
'Calm down Dad, it's just a game' he said
Well, I replied
'It's all fun and games until somebody loses an 'I' '
Today, I checked out at the store, but the cashier kept taking pictures of herself with each item I was purchasing...
I'll never go thru the selfie checkout again!
I kept telling my brother not to put the Q-tip in too deep, but he never listens to my words.
It goes into one ear, and out the other.
The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me when I was browsing, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
A guy named Vladislav kept coming after me, and all I could say was…
Vladislav,
baby don't hurt me,
don't hurt me,
no more.
The bank want to repossess my tree house. They say I haven't kept up my mortgage payments....
I'm convinced it's a mix up from when I moved branches.
My urologist and I kept joking around during my last visit.
Was checking my son's essay about the countryside and saw he kept writing the word 'hll'. So I told him to never forget...
The lawyer always kept losing his cases
He didn't mind cause he was practicing
I don't keep grudges. My dad kept grudges....
During the delivery of my first child, my wife kept yelling out ‘can’t’, ‘won’t’, ‘shouldn’t’, ‘couldn’t’.
The mid wife told me not to worry, they were only contractions
My wife was going into labor and kept frantically shouting, "Call me an ambulance! Call me an ambulance!"
So I said, "You're an ambulance."
What a strange thing to say
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren’t very supportive. They kept telling him to “Get with the times...
I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger
The toddler pooped his pants, but kept on playing...
My cat kept trying to climb my Christmas tree so I put aluminum around the base of the tree.
Her plans have been foiled.
After the exodus through the Red Sea, Moses's staff could no longer perform miracles, and still he kept it beside him the rest of his life...
...he just couldn't part with it.
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
Why are female prisoners kept in separate prisons?
Because most prisoners are in cells.
I had a problem with my anti-virus program, it kept saying I had 1 virus on my computer.
So I deleted the anti-virus and there weren't any problems any more!
What happened to the egg that kept going to the gym?
The umpire kept answering his phone during the softball game.
He said he didn’t want to miss any calls.
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together.
What did Margaret Attwood title her latest murder mystery novel, about an Egyptian serial killer who kept drowning people?
The butcher kept getting my order wrong. He gave me a porterhouse instead of a filet mignon!
He said it was a mis-steak.
My teacher asked me why I kept getting out of my seat.
I told him "It's because I can't stand sitting."
I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger.
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me...
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute and when I came out, I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a slight limp...
My son kept singing the first line to the Spider-Man song over and over. So we took him to the doctor who gave us the bad news:
Our son was trapped in the spider-verse.
Did you hear about the guy who kept cutting down trees?
They tried to investigate the trees, but they were all stumped.
My daughter, Eliza, kept asking me to use my 3D printer to make monogrammed chairs for her dolls. Last Sunday I printed over 100 of them. She was so happy. She started putting them on everything for decoration.
We had a Sunday, everything with a chair E on top.
I kept asking my dad over and over what scales are used for
The taylor at the local men's clothing shop kept trying to help me find wedding attire despite my wishes. He finally gave up and said
A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends
As we sat down for lunch, I proudly announced to my daughter, "Little known fact, the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France!" Unimpressed, she ignored me and kept eating. Not being one to give up, I continued...
"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"
My son kept chewing on electrical cords so I had to ground him..
He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
My son kept chewing on the electrical cords so I had to ground him...
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
My son kept chewing on live electrical wires
My son kept chewing on electrical cords...
I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently. He’s even conducting himself better. I don’t know watt got into him.
My son kept chewing on electrical cables
My son kept chewing on electrical cords, so I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently, and conducting himself properly
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