My wife said she’d leave me if I kept quoting Shrek and I didn’t believe her
Soup (I know it’s from Instagram but that’s why I kept the @ of the account in)
My friend kept telling me I have no power
His plans kept going a rye
I kept begging my manager for some flour and it annoyed the hell out of him
Eventually, I was given the sack
I tried to put a new bag in my bin, but it kept saying, "NO,NO,NO," and wouldn't go in...
I wondered why the ball kept getting bigger
I went to dinner with a couple of Vikings and they kept tapping on the table and laughing. I finally asked what was so funny and they said:
“You wouldn’t get it, it’s Norse code”
Since the vaccines are kept at -80 celsius they inject them through...
How come they call a place where horses are kept a "stable"…
And not a neigh-bourhood?
I asked the librarian where the books on paranoia are kept.
She whispered "They're right behind you".
My new sweater kept building up static and shocking people.
So I exchanged it for another free of charge.
If you and your buddies should all get COVID vaccines and the doses need to be kept in freezers...
then you're cracking open a cold Bud-Pfizer!
A number kept moving around on my Excel spreadsheet
I found out it was a Roamin' Numeral
My friend couldn't figure out why he kept getting wet on his deck when it rained. Turns out he wasn't standing under the awning.
The umpire at my son's baseball game kept wandering around the field and was eventually knocked out by a stray ball.
It was the fall of the roamin' umpire.
In the Army they kept yelling at me for bringing a hammer to the mission...
Maybe that's why my Sargent kept yelling "THIS IS NOT A DRILL!"
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
Jay Leno went to Morgan Freeman’s house and had a lot of drinks. Leno suddenly started to urinate on Freeman’s carpet. Freeman was furious and ran after him as he kept on urinating. The banker next door saw the whole thing and decided to start a bank...
Kids, that is the true story of how Jay-pee-Morgan-chase was named
What is the best kept secret of all time?
Well why would I tell you
My son kept chewing on all the electrical chords we had set up for the holidays, so I grounded him...
He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly...
Did you hear about the Frenchman at the hat shop who kept getting yelled at by his boss?
He got tired of being beret-ted all of the time.
The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me when I was browsing, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
My son asked me if gravity kept us on the earth
I'm up in the air on that one
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together.
My kid’s chemistry teacher was arrested in class yesterday. He was pouring out teaspoons of sodium chloride for each student, but because the class was rowdy, he kept losing his place and having to start over.
The police charged him with multiple counts of a salt.
I couldn’t read the name of this bastard who kept sending me letters for the longest time.
Then I learned sign language
MY DAUGHTER KEPT COMPLAINING FOR DAYS ABOUT A MONSTER UNDER HER BED
So I drank it and told her to stop hiding cans😤
My personal trainer was upset at me because I kept using the same machine at the gym
It was the vending machine
I was having problems with the printer at work last week and I had to ring the engineer. I told him that I kept putting paper in to the printer but the display kept saying it just can't get enough...
The engineer said "ah yes.... it's stuck in Depeche Mode"....
I got a job cleaning the building where the horses are kept.
It's not much but it's stable work.
My son kept dropping scrabble tiles.
I got angry,
'Calm down Dad, it's just a game' he said
Well, I replied
'It's all fun and games until somebody loses an 'I' '
My kid started making an airplane when I kept on telling him not to
A monastery in Las Vegas kept getting chips in their donation box
It got so frustrating they decided to hire a chipmunk
What do the chefs call that one counter where all the veggies are kept?
My blind friend kept lying to me...
It was hard for him to see the truth
I haven't kept up my subscription to the Scrabble club....
Now they have started sending me threatening letters.
Today, I checked out at the store, but the cashier kept taking pictures of herself with each item I was purchasing...
I'll never go thru the selfie checkout again!
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren’t very supportive. They kept telling him to “Get with the times...
I kept telling my brother not to put the Q-tip in too deep, but he never listens to my words.
It goes into one ear, and out the other.
My urologist and I kept joking around during my last visit.
The other day I bought some new pants from France, but when I out them in they kept falling off.
Turns out, they were made in Toulouse.
The bank want to repossess my tree house. They say I haven't kept up my mortgage payments....
I'm convinced it's a mix up from when I moved branches.
I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger
My son kept chewing on electrical cords so I had to ground him..
He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger
My son kept chewing on the electrical cords so I had to ground him...
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
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