A weird German kid just gave me a gold coin
Thanks for the gold, strange kinder.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick
She still isn't talking to me
My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
It’s been a week now and she’s still not talking to me.
From my 70 year old dad: I hung up a map of the US in the kitchen and gave my wife a dart. I told her we would go on a two week vacation wherever she stuck the dart.
Looks like we’ll be spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Did you hear that McDonalds gave all their employees large laptops for Christmas?
I gave a flat battery away today.
I guess you could say it gave him some wood
My dad gave me the golden dad joke medal for this one...
Me: You've heard of Murphy's Law, right?
Mum: Yeah.
Me: What is it?
Mum: It's to do with bad luck.
Me: Cool, have you heard of Cole's Law?
Mum: No. What is it?
Me: It's thinly sliced cabbage
My wife gave birth to our baby boy otw to the hospital...
My partner turned 40 today so I gave him some red, red wine and told him
I gave a ps5 to my gf
I consoled her. She was crying
I gave a octopus a pie
He wasn’t to happy when it was a octopi
When Chris Hemsworth was cast by Marvel they gave him an exercise routine. When asked what he thought of it, he responded
I was Thor just thinking about it.
I finally cleaned out my junk drawer and gave away all my dead batteries
Mary gave birth to Jesus in a manger
He is reportedly in a stable condition
My manager gave me a disappointed look when he saw my doodle.
My teacher gave me some weak paper the other day
Our cooking teacher gave us a notice about the part of our upcoming exam where we'd be working with cheese wheels...
"It'll be grated on a curve."
My 6 year old gave occupations to the Planters Mixed Nuts.
Cashews are bankers.
Peanuts are urologists.
And Chestnuts are plastic surgeons.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
A man named six gave his friends three and five some chocolate bars. Three got 7 chocolate bars and five got eight of them. Three was upset he had less than five did, and five was sad that his friend was sad, so he asked six if three could have another chocolate bar.
He gave one to three for five
I bought my son a car accessory as a surprise but my wife told him what is was before I gave it to him.
I hired a coach for an upcoming marathon. She gave me a run for my money.
The first woman who gave brain had an open mind.
A wise man once gave me the 3 unwritten rules of life
My coworkers gave me the nickname Mr. Compromise.
It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m okay with it.
They gave me a fork because I'm not Chinese.
A rock's father gave him a family heirloom
It held sedimentary value
I gave up explaining to my Zen master how E-mails work.
He can't just comprehend what attachments are!
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
I went to the beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13. "Sir, you gave me an extra."
I gave my Dad a jigsaw made from a picture of his face.
Our cow just gave birth and she's been sleeping better...
now that she's de-calf-einated.
Went to the pet store and ordered a dozen bees. I noticed that the clerk gave me 13...
so I asked if that was a free bee. He replied, "No, that's called a baker's dozen. If you spent less time reading reposts on Reddit, you would know that."
Did you hear about the mexican fireman whose wife gave birth to two sons?
He called them Jose and Hose B......
My daughter gave me some model clay earlier.
I didn’t know what to make of it.
When I Was A Child Santa Gave Me Coal One Year For Christmas, So I Poisoned His Cookies And Milk
Somehow he found out and killed my dad!
Had a large keyboard instrument with pipes that I gave for free to my local church.
Always proud to be an organ donor.
The other day I said "woof" to a dog but he just gave me a weird look.
I guess my accent is a little ruff.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
The inventor of Hard and Shoulders shampoo died. At the funeral, his wife gave a 20 minute moving eulogy...
There wasn't a dry scalp in the place!
I gave my wife a nickname and it's "Candy"
My wife gave birth to our son in our car on the way to the hospital
A dad's wife gave birth in a car
I went to the beekeeper and asked for 12 bees, he gave me 13...
That's a free-bee be said.
I gave all my dead batteries away today
I went to the beekeeper to get a dozen bees. They gave me 13.
The extra one was a free bee.
My colleagues at work gave me the nickname “Mr. Compromise”.
It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m ok with it.
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