Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done.
Turns out, he only does odd jobs.
π︎ 498
π
︎ Feb 26 2021
A lot of people think that crop circles are done by alien aircrafts.
But I think they are done by cereal killers.
π︎ 11
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︎ Apr 21 2021
Why does nothing get done in Horse Parliament?
π︎ 2
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︎ Apr 26 2021
I hired a gardener because my wife said she would have sex with me after I got the yard work done.
Everything was going great until I went to pay him and he said βyour wife already took care of it.β
π︎ 4
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︎ Apr 07 2021
It's also, done by A minor
π︎ 23
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︎ Jan 29 2021
I saw Kate Middleton's sister leaving a plastic surgeon's office the other day, but I can't tell you what work she had done.
That would be a Pippa violation.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 08 2021
What do we call a crime scene of a crime done by spiders?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Feb 26 2021
My wife was hurrying me along and asking when things were going to be done so I asked her if she was my clone from Moscow. She looked confused and said "No, why?"
I said "Because you're Russian me."
π︎ 92
π
︎ Dec 20 2020
A guyβs Mom comes to visit him at his job at the aquarium where she finds him feeding a baby dolphin. She says look at you, you were smart. You could have had a real job, really done some good for the world. Her son snapped back,...
Hey, my job serves a youthful porpoise!
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
I'm done with dating mermaids.
I'm ready for A riel woman.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jan 16 2021
At the office barbecue, I grilled some rare steak for our boss, and he said, βI like it well done.β
I said, βThanks. That means a lot.β
π︎ 103
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︎ Dec 02 2020
A steak that isn't done properly...
π︎ 5
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︎ Nov 27 2020
For everyone glad to be done with 2020...
... just remember next year is 2022.
π︎ 11
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︎ Jan 01 2021
Look guys I done a meme!
π︎ 153
π
︎ Oct 06 2020
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 23 2020
I read a study that sailing in Finland is mostly done by women
If a man takes the helm, they're afraid that Helsinki
π︎ 20
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
My wife often uses the promise of raunchy sex to get little jobs done around the house.
π︎ 14
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︎ Jan 17 2021
Another year has came and went, and there are some things I wish I couldβve done differently
π︎ 9
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︎ Jan 01 2021
This might be my crowning achievement. If it's been done before, I apologize for nothing. Grape minds think alike- nope wrong fruit.
π︎ 14
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︎ Nov 15 2020
Did you think 2020βs done with you? Well youβre wrong!
Because next year is 2022
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jan 07 2021
Do degrees even matter as long as the person gets the job done?
π︎ 346
π
︎ Aug 03 2020
Teacher: "You know, you really should have done your homework. It was in your best interest."
Kid: "Yeah, my dog ate it. How'd you know dogs were my best interest?"
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 16 2021
And that's how it's done
π︎ 33
π
︎ Nov 08 2020
On reflection, there's a lot of stuff I'd like to have done differently this past year.
But hey, hindsight is 2020
π︎ 4
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︎ Dec 31 2020
Well Done
π︎ 34
π
︎ Oct 25 2020
There are so many things I would've done differently this last year
But hey, hindsight is 2020
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
As this year is coming to a close, I find myself thinking about all the things I would have done differently.
Seems like I got 20/20 hindsight.
π︎ 3
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︎ Dec 31 2020
As a short guy, I was completely sure there was nothing to be done about my height. I went to the doctor, turns out I had scoliosis.
π︎ 227
π
︎ Aug 23 2020
Therapy done right
π︎ 746
π
︎ Jun 21 2020
What have I done...
π︎ 82
π
︎ Aug 06 2020
There was a remake of Die Hard done by fish
The antagonist was Hans Grouper
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 05 2020
Why did Popeye write to the Italian food company Bertolli, thanking them for everything theyβd done?
They made olive oil spread.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 01 2020
π︎ 7
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︎ Aug 12 2020
I can always tell what I should have done as long as I'm looking at ketchup.
Yeah, you could say I have perfect Heinz-site
π︎ 31
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︎ Sep 19 2020
Where does The Joker get his hair done?
π︎ 8
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︎ Nov 09 2020
So my wife is getting some medical tests done (weβre expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.
She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, βwhere do I drop it off?β
She says, βGo in the front door and thereβs a little desk that you -β
βDonβt you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?β
... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 18 2020
Every morning when I am done getting my 2 year old ready for school I call her a Canadian potato chip.
Because sheβs all dressed.
π︎ 11
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︎ Sep 29 2020
"Have you ever done anything good?" St. Peter asked a guy when he showed up at the Pearly Gates. "To protect a young girl I punched the leader of a motorcycle gang, kicked his bike over, and told them all to back off!" said the man. St. Peter was impressed, "When did you do this?"
"Oh, just a couple of minutes ago."
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Sep 22 2019
For all those saying they are done with 2020
Please trade me. Iβm tired of wearing my glasses.
π︎ 10
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︎ Sep 24 2020
Just got my Toenado done.
π︎ 16
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︎ Jun 20 2020
People at our Christmas party were impressed when I showed off my incredibly detailed tattoo, but they didn't believe me when I tell them I got it done in Madrid.
Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Dec 25 2019
What have the romans ever done for us!
Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as βfoursβ?
π︎ 2
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︎ Oct 21 2020
Iβm done being a people pleaser
If everyoneβs ok with that
π︎ 9
π
︎ Aug 18 2020
What does the color blue do when it's done using the computer?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 14 2020
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