I still have flashbacks

I said that’s impossible, Labor Day is in September!

(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)

Response: EEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR, I use toilet paper.

Well played, boy.

I’m on season eight. Still not sure what this has to do with security.

"The trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter!"

..they make me feel even number.

But then I saw her face.

SO here I go again on my own

I said "no, I think they're supposed to smell like that."

Nothing and orange have completely different ending sounds.

He said “Don’t worry about it, it’s on the house!”

Because they don't have pockets.

That’s not a good sign.

He said “Nah, that’s a freebie”

To which they answered “yes” “oui” “si” “ja”.

It was the hardest dump I ever took

I looked at it and thought, ‘This isn’t for me.”

I think she is in love with me.

He said "I don't think that's a weakness"

"Well I don't give a f* what you think"

After 3 mins all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence

I didn’t fall for it!

I said “thanks for having me.”

They said it was grounds for termination.

So here I go again on my own

I said that's the last thing I need

I asked Y not?

are you on a pant based diet?

But I'm on a roll now.

I'll show him. Just you wait.

Edit: Goodness, that blew up. My first awards, too!

I want to send out individual replies to thank everyone who gave me an award. I might do it later.

I was puttering around the kitchen legit just now when my dad came in and said: "Hey, son; I got you a new--well, a used iPad."

I turn, really surprised, until he hands me a rather dusty and faded blue eye cover for sleeping.

"It's a used eye pad," he said, eyes full of that "I found a really bad dad joke" delight.

.....

.....Bless my dad's soul.

I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.

Apparently identity theft is a crime.

She just grunted. I think she regrets letting me name the twins.

He wanted to grow a power plant

I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".

I said maybe...

I told her I will address it when I get home

It Taurus apart

I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.

The look on my face was priceless

I said, "Y not?"

I said y not?