I saw an insect that was trying to jump on a fat guy's chest again and again.
I think it's preying man tits.
I was trying to convince everyone on a WW2 subreddit that I was French.
I was trying to give my son a lesson on averages the other day,
He stood up halfway through and said "Dad, I really don't know what you mean."
I am trying to get in shape by running on my treadmill every morning
But I dont feel like I'm getting anywhere
I keep trying to place a can on a slope
I just cant see why it won't stay still
I am trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike, but he still can't seem to do it
I guess it must be sprocket science
I was just trying to enjoy a day out on the lake. No matter where you are, you can never escape the puns.
If you’re ever trying to do something unexpected, don’t steal someone’s abacus. They’ll be counting on that.
My wife was just trying to convince me to spend $1k on a new king size bed...
...I told her I’d have to sleep on it.
I’ve been trying to pick up on German humor recently.
I'm trying for a title based on a song but I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...
"I'm on antidepressants."
He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.
I heard Apple are trying to seize the market on immaterial groups of dolphins
I think they called them airpods
An astronaut was trying to make coffee on the space station...
Astronaut 1: "I want to make coffee but I can't find any milk."
Astronaut 2: "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
I spent all day trying to balance a screw on it's tip.
All I ended up doing by the end was just screwing around.
I'm going broke trying to model my life based on the plot of "Fight Club"
You could say I'm living my life paycheck to Palahniuk
What did the damsel say while trying on a dress?
Should I be in dis-dress.
After years of trying I have decided to give up on my life long dream of becoming a world renowned spaghetti chef. It’s time to move on and stop living in ...
I just watched my coworker on top of a step stool, trying to fix a lightbulb.
He was climbing the corporate ladder.
Trying to hook up on tinder, but you are 5'4?
My wife and I were arguing on an airplane. She was trying to convince me to join the mile high club...
I told her,
"I'm sorry, but I don't give a flying fuck."
So I’m trying to work on tree puns
I guess you can say I’m branching out and sprucing them up a bit. They’re oak-ay at the moment. But nothing that would leaf you hanging.
I was in my kitchen and my cousin went next to me as I was looking at the brownies, placed a fork and said fork u. + to add on to this as I was trying to take this photo the brightness wasn’t working properly so my dad’s girlfriend goes “guess you could say it’s forked”
I have been trying to convince people on a military history subreddit that I’m French.
I invented a athletic shoe company called Hikes, but everyone leaves my store before trying them on.
I don't get it, I've just been telling them to take a Hike.
In 1935, an American went out on a quest to discover the Loch Ness monsters. He found that according to legend, there were at least 10 in existence. Instead of trying Scotland, he believed the US might have these lake monsters. In which state did he begin his quest?
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
Nemo isn't selfish! He's just trying to find himself. Come on :D
Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!
Dad: This is just making me upsettings!
On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!
What did the classic Greek Scholar say to the fat bloke trying on skinny jeans in his boutique?
I was trying to take my emotional support penguin on an aeroplane, but I was stopped by security.
They said, “Sorry. Penguins can’t fly.”
Weightlifters on Craigslist keep trying to rip me off!
I responded to an ad for "free weights", and when I went to pick them up, this muscly guy answered the door and said they were $300.
Third time it's happened this week.
My friend got a paper cut in the chemistry lab and accidentally touched sodium chloride while trying to put on a bandage.
That's like sprinkling salt over your wounds.
My wife kept trying to convince me we go on a vacation to Thailand
In the end I said Phuket.
I'm trying to come up with a punny name for a trivia game I'm working on.
It's an AP Human Geography class, and I need a name for a board game. Anything to do with pop. culture vs. folk culture would be awesome and I heard you guys are good at this.
Girlfriend was trying to decide on a restaurant
Gf: i wanna go to a steakhouse.
Me: That doesn't seem structurally sound.
Gf: sigh
Me: Houses like that must be quite rare...
Ive been trying to work out if the grass really is greener on the other side.
But so far I'm still on the fence.
Trying to clean our basement when my dad dropped this one on me.
Me: Hey dad, is there a broom I can borrow? This vacuum sucks.
Dad: That's what it's supposed to do!
When trying to find out where the tunnels are on a trip?
Me: Where are the tunnels between here and Philly?
Dad: Under the Mountains
I spent all day yesterday trying to convince people on a WW2 subreddit that I was French.
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