I’ve recently discovered I’m terrified of elevators, so I’m taking steps to avoid them.

I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but I’m slowly getting over them!

UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers. You make the world a happier place! 🀩

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whoopass_voice
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an orphan taking a selfie?

A family photo

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/multiplefroggs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?

Bubble 07

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.

I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.

πŸ‘︎ 153
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πŸ‘€︎ u/banditk77
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
More and more people are taking up horse breading as a profession

Apparently it's a very stable career choice.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moejike
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the Mandalorian bodybuilder say when he was accused of taking steroids?

This is the Whey.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/N11Ordo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
The public pool sector must be taking a real dive right now
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ruzenu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend is making a lot of easy money by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What did Captain America say to his wife after taking Viagra?

"I can keep this up all night"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElgarRS
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
At the hospital they’re taking virus cases on a β€˜first catch’ basis...

It’s in a corona-logical order.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StretchSmiley
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?

A scrub jay!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshWithaQ
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Taking the shell off a snail wouldn't make it faster...

... It would make it more sluggish

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anthony_ugh
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I love taking pictures of my son, so much most people call me

his personal 'Papa'razzi.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/8Dinglehopper8
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I was wondering what's taking them so long to count all the votes in Nevada

But I realized it's because their work is Neva Dan

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
This election is taking a while.

I guess the people in Nevada are really Biden their time.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ursuscornu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I can't stop taking money out of every cash machine I walk past...

Doctor has diagnosed I'm suffering from withdrawal symptoms.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a rival in picture taking?

A foe-tographer.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I read a book about limbs taking over the world

It was armageddon

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterCheezOtter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Ive been reading this book called β€œThe A to Z of Northern Europe”, but it’s taking me ages...

Not sure I’ll ever get to the Finish

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iamdecal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
This is the first year I'm not taking a vacation to Hawaii due to Covid.

Normally I don't go because I can't afford it.

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
The doctor was taking a while so he said: Sorry for the wait

I respond: no problem I’m patient

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dragonflame716
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines

They're subwoofers

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Intrepidity87
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Taking Things 4 Granite
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5LYNG3R
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
i started taking lessons on rock climbing

Hopefully soon i get the hang of it.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you notice that people started taking the looters & rioters seriously once New York was hit?

Probably because everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but not where the Minneapolis.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My twin sister always takes the stairs, but I prefer taking the elevator.

I guess.... we are raised differently.

πŸ‘︎ 359
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I got arrested for taking a video while cutting down trees

Now facing charges for illegal vlogging.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eyooji
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
probably a Ford siesta because i like napping while taking a drive
πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Banoooooooo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
🚨︎ report
A buddy of mine likes taking pictures of salmon in clothes

He says he likes shooting fish in apparel

πŸ‘︎ 118
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StAnger99
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Turns out that Lance Armstrong was not only taking drugs...

He was pedaling too.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard about a politician who was caught taking bribes from a jean company.

He’s in the pocket of big pants.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Arthur24
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Son: You're taking all the oysters!

Dad: Sorry, im being shellfish.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ComboBreaker1045
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My publicist spent today taking photos of me deep within a dark cavern.

She assured me the photos would receive high exposure.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dannysilver90
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I was taking a walk this morning and this shrubbery came out of nowhere!

It was an AM bush

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I thought that taking the shell off of my racing snail would save weight and make it more streamlined so it would be faster....

But it just made it more sluggish......

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ukblademan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandpa, after taking viagra

Thought long and hard about it

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Does anyone know if we can start taking showers yet?

Or are we still just washing our hands?

πŸ‘︎ 365
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hirsty19784
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I was planing on taking a shower at my hotel today...

...but apparently they bolt those things to the wall.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/exturo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Just got my new keyboard. Looks like the keys are taking things quite literally.
πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dpk38
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Are you taking people's temperature at your son's party?

Only if your dances moves are hot

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ihatemycat92
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
A couple of weeks ago my dad was taking us on a camping trip preceeded by a two hour drive, so a minute before we were going to leave the house he sat me and my brother down and told us:

Speak now or forever hold your pee

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Detective Holmes: "Watson, what's taking so long in there?"

Watson (constipated): "No shit, Sherlock."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/misterrandom1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I started taking our taco ingredients to make nachos on my plate when my kids started yelling "BUT IT'S TACO TUESDAY!"

To which I replied "This is nacho average Taco Tuesday"

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearnakedgamer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
While taking a tour of a college campus, the tour guide mentioned that the school was surrounded by three different cemeteries.

Tour guide: And did you know that if you live across from a cemetery, you can’t be buried there?

Me: What?? Why not?

Tour guide: Because you’re still alive!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lind-zayy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an orphan taking a selfie?

A family photo

πŸ‘︎ 141
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Connor0388
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an orphan taking a selfie?

A family photo.

(credit: @willieilish_)

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madilikescats
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?

Bubble-07

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gamerwife2017
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend is getting rich by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
🚨︎ report

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