My wife accused me of taking the last donut
It’s true. I just ate the hole thing.
Told my kid that I was taking my Mom to a Covid Vaccine event at the convention center.
They said, “Oh, a mass shooting.”
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator.
I guess..we are raised differently.
My parents were upset when I told them I wouldn't be taking over the family bakery.
That's just not how I roll.
I looked into taking a trip to Norway in the next ten years...
What do you call the feeling of taking off your COVID mask when you get home?
Why was the bad poet the best at taking role in prison?
Because when they have no prose all they can do is list cons.
Did you hear about the new dark and gritty direction Disney are taking?
Donald Duck will be playing a quack addict.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
Today, I checked out at the store, but the cashier kept taking pictures of herself with each item I was purchasing...
I'll never go thru the selfie checkout again!
Last night, taking a walk on the beach... Came across a police car stuck in the sand about 3 feet from the water...I asked the driver what happened...
He said the police were expecting a crime wave
What did the pin hole camera say when the SLR camera asked about it's aperature and exposure time when taking a picture?
What did the 46th president say while taking the White House keys from the 45th on his way out?
The public pool sector must be taking a real dive right now
The wife, taking a selfie with the kids: "Cheese kids!"
Me: That's a common mistake, but they're actually real kids.
Did you notice that people started taking the looters & rioters seriously once New York was hit?
Probably because everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but not where the Minneapolis.
What did the Mandalorian bodybuilder say when he was accused of taking steroids?
This is the first year I'm not taking a vacation to Hawaii due to Covid.
Normally I don't go because I can't afford it.
I read a book about limbs taking over the world
I was wondering what's taking them so long to count all the votes in Nevada
But I realized it's because their work is Neva Dan
At the hospital they’re taking virus cases on a ‘first catch’ basis...
It’s in a corona-logical order.
Ive been reading this book called “The A to Z of Northern Europe”, but it’s taking me ages...
Not sure I’ll ever get to the Finish
The doctor was taking a while so he said: Sorry for the wait
I respond: no problem I’m patient
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
Son: You're taking all the oysters!
Dad: Sorry, im being shellfish.
Just got my new keyboard. Looks like the keys are taking things quite literally.
While taking a tour of a college campus, the tour guide mentioned that the school was surrounded by three different cemeteries.
Tour guide: And did you know that if you live across from a cemetery, you can’t be buried there?
Me: What?? Why not?
Tour guide: Because you’re still alive!
A couple of weeks ago my dad was taking us on a camping trip preceeded by a two hour drive, so a minute before we were going to leave the house he sat me and my brother down and told us:
Speak now or forever hold your pee
I was taking my children on a tour of the largest territory in Canada, but they kept acting up so I turned around and went home.
My wife was mad about it, but I don't care! I was having Nunavut!
I want to get myself in the guinness world records for the oldest man alive, but it's taking me a long time
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator
I'm tired of the men taking over everything. Like..why we call Iron Man, Iron Man?
I don’t like the government taking all my money. It’s taxing
I took my 1 year old to the ER with the flu. As the nurse was taking her temperature rectally with the thermometer in the butt, he sympathized with her misery by saying “I know, it stinks.”
To which I responded “It certainly will when you take it out.” I accepted the long awkward silence that followed as thunderous applause.
My girlfriend likes to take the stairs but I prefer taking the elevator
I guess we were raised defferently.
When my wife complained I was taking too long to paint the living room I told her she was worse than the warden in Shawshank.
She said “well just paint it, Red”.
I was recently promoted on the supermarket security team to look out for people taking 11 items through the "10 items or less" checkout...
I am now a counter-terrorism officer.
Did you hear about the naked photographer who was taking timelapses in the Arctic?
Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him “How come there’s no charge?”
He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”
Did you know that the military has an officer designated for taking care of restrooms?
So I travel around my country at the weekend taking photo graphs last week I was in London it was amazing I could almost say it was a...
I decided to spend the lockdown months taking online lessons on escapology.
Why was the child arrest for not taking a nap?
He was guilty of resisting a rest.
Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl shouldn’t be a metaphor for pooping
It should be a metaphor for constipation
My brother always takes the stairs, but I prefer taking the elevator.
I guess we are raised differently.
My twin sister always takes the stairs, but I prefer taking the elevator.
I guess.... we are raised differently.
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