I like German sausage, but its puns are the wurst.
Don't be bitter about dank puns. Danke. Bitte.
I don't get it (Puns Daily calendar)
Pun enters room, kills 10 people. Pun in, ten dead. GET IT, PUN IN TEN DEAD
Its punning on a whole new level.
It's my 1-year Reddit anniversary
Getting karma should be easy as cake
Edit: It’s a giant cake day celebration! Happy cake day everyone!!
What does a clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?" - Me: "I Excel at it." - Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"
"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
I have finally made it
I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time “dad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I was hired to come up with a slogan for 2020 that is just as catchy as Click It or Ticket
I chose Mask It or Casket
I'm just going to leave it here
I hate it when my wife says "Are you listening to me?!"
Such a random way to start a conversation.
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
My dad (67) just sent this to me. It's literally a dad joke. Some of us might not get it though I'm sure.
What does the Pink Panther say when he knocked over an ant hill?
Dead ant... dead ant... dead ant dead ant dead ant... dead ant dead ant....
I don't think it worked out
Found it saved on my phone
What happens to an egg every time you look at it?
Hint: Its a preposition pun!
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but it’s ok now.
A classic (don't know if its been posted or not)
I wonder if she nose it or not...
I signed up for a Binary 101 class, but I failed it miserably.
Turns out it’s a Level 5 course.
What is it called when you die and are born again as a hillbilly?
Didn't know where to post it, so here it is.
This is not oc content it MAY be a re p o st
I was at my brothers gender reveal party. He and his wife stood up during a silence and announced they were having a girl. I shouted a question asking if they picked a name. They proclaimed to the crowd of family it'd be Linda Noelle. Once the oohs settled down I had a follow up question.
"How will you spell Linda with no L?"
Good pun, perfect comments/likes. I love it.
Maybe only us Brits will get it...
It's cloudy all over just now.
I got picked for this five-day-a-week, year-long sleep study. It pays $15,000 a month.
Image belongs to cyanide and happiness it's not mine but thought you would enjoy it.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
A sweater I purchased was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
I got a pen in Barcelona. It writes so smoothly. I can get the finest lines out of it. Everyone is so surprised by it
Because no one expects the Spanish ink precision!
Communism sounds good on paper, but I'm not sure I'd trust it to work...
A person asked a mailman, “why do you work as a mailman, it gives so little money?”
The mailman responds “It’s not about the money, it’s about sending a message”
What does a clock do when it's angry?
read “twix” in a child accent it makes the meme better
My mom played the clarinet in high school. She mentioned she wanted to play again, but doesn't have the money to waste on it. I ordered one for her birthday and left her a subtle clue.
The board is back in it's natural habitat.
Yeah he doesn't wanna miss it
Atleast it made Sophie's day.
BREAKING: Iran has struck its own submarine with an underwater torpedo in the Persian Gulf, killing all 350 aboard
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."
You know, I was looking at our ceiling the other day. It’s not the best...
Saw this sitting outside my house and had to take advantage of it
Rick Astley will never give it to you, so be careful.
We need to uninstall 2020 and then try reinstalling it
The current version has a nasty virus
My wife said last night "You treat our marriage like it's some sort of game"
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.
The LEGO shop reopens tomorrow but I recommend avoiding it for the time being,
People will be lined up for blocks.
My downstairs neighbor complains that whenever I eat Doritos on my porch, it gets all over him on his patio. As usual, he's exaggerating.
He just has a chip on his shoulder.
You know you’ve made a terrible joke when you make the math teacher completely lose it.
Teacher: “If acceleration is constant, we get all these really nice formulas. If acceleration is not constant, the math gets messy.”
Me: “You might say that for ruining the math, it’s being a jerk.”
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.
I'm sure that must have been a record.
Why did it take Russia so long to invade Germany?
A seabird stole my sausage.... It was a tern for the wurst.
This is my first comic so I hope it doesn't get ghosted
Absolutely nobody expects it
I was proud of it but none of my friends really appreciated it, so maybe it’ll find some love here.
Have you ever seen a picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved?
It’s beauty was unpresidented.
It maybe posted here already, as it seams old, but i had a good laugh
How many ants does it take to fill an apartment?
10...9...My Dad was counting down. I asked why. 7...6... “Because it’ll be 12:57, he said.” 5...4... “What’s so special about 12:57?” I asked.
It takes a second to understand- or I’m just special
I started taking our taco ingredients to make nachos on my plate when my kids started yelling "BUT IT'S TACO TUESDAY!"
To which I replied "This is nacho average Taco Tuesday"
Why is it called a paternity test
I’ve posted this before but you guys didn’t recognize the brilliance of it so I’m posting it again because fuck you that’s why
The password is “you need to buy a drink first” for people who don’t get it
It is always make me uncomfortable when people ask about my step-ladder...
... I never even knew my real ladder
I have a pencil that was owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot.
I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
I’m awaiting reply, but it’s possible I was deleted entirely.
From my 8 year old, on his path to becoming a great dad: "What did the designers of Darth Vader's costume model it on?"
Since it started raining my wife just stares sadly through the stupid window …
If it gets any worse, I guess I’ll have to let her in.
What does a boat do when it’s sick?
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
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