I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
One of my best friends made this for me for my birthday. I love it
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow.
Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I dont know,” she said . “Just give me something with diamonds.”
Thats why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
It was my suns birthday today.
4,603,000,001 years young.
It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogues all over the house.
So, I've taken the hint...
I got her a magazine rack!
Which kind of Swiss cheese always celebrates its birthday?
My mom played the clarinet in high school. She mentioned she wanted to play again, but doesn't have the money to waste on it. I ordered one for her birthday and left her a subtle clue.
I’m mad at my wife because I bought a stun gun for her birthday and she tested it out on me. Twice.
What a revolting response to a gift. I was stunned.
When Shaquille O’Neal gives you a birthday card, he always signs it with a reference to his favorite 80’s song.
It’s my birthday today and no party is planned due to pandemic. And my daughter said this to cheer me up.
“You will have your cake and eat it too.”
PS: this is the best gift I can get today.
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
What does a cat like to eat on its birthday?
My dad bought me a locket with my photo in it for my 18th birthday.
I guess he wanted me to be in da pendant.
It's finally my birthday today...
It feels like I've been waiting for a year.
I have a friend who was born on May 7th. Every year for his birthday I re-gift him a pristine 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it, but I have a perfect record.
It might be stupid, but it's a perfect 5/7, wood repost again.
It’s official, scientists have proven that more birthday celebrations is officially linked to a longer life span
Today my mom turns 53, and it's tradition that my dad fills the kitchen with posters before she wakes up, wishing her a happy birthday. This year's were some of his worst (best) work.
It's my wife's birthday and I bought her slippers and a dildo.
If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.
Just found out it's my boomerang's birthday.
I wished it many happy returns.
My girlfriend said it’d really be a nice birthday surprise if I got her something to run around in.
So I bought her a tracksuit.
I was at a restaurant tonight with family, when my dad started singing: "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..." (it was no one's birthday - we all looked confused)
"... Happy birthday, dear Menu"
points to "Jan 2014" printed on the base of the menu
"Happy birthday to you"
What do you give a tornado for its birthday?
It's my wife's birthday. I asked her how old she is.
"45", she answered.
"Wow", I said,
"That must be some kind of record."
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow and she’s wanted to get a new cat (recently lost our old one), so my son and I got a cat from the animal shelter, put her gently into a large gift bag and brought her home. Before I could shut my driver door my son ran inside and ruined the surprise...
Can’t believe he let the cat out of the bag.
It's my son's birthday. Someone is turning 24!
Not my son. He's 11 today.
When i turned 18 My dad gave me a BIG birthday gift, it wasn't that heavy - i opened it and saw an empty box.. "but dad, it's empty?"
"yes, you can start packing your stuff tommorow"
True Story: I was driving my family to my son's birthday party at one of those trampoline places. While looking for it in the strip mall...
We passed an IHOP, to which I stated "There it is!"
I attended a child’s birthday party of a rich friend of mine, and it was extremely formal.
For fun, we went Roberting for apples.
It's my birthday today. The best present I got is a broken drum
It was my daughter's 8th birthday party today
She asked me if it was present time, I told her it is always present time. She was lost.
Felt the need to share
You can only celebrate someone's 32nd birthday you can only celebrate it for 30 seconds
Because it's their thirty second birthday
Why is it good to go to your friend's birthday party?
It's good to give them your presence.
It’s my wife’s birthday in a couple of days…
…and when I asked her what she wanted she said she’d be happy with anything with lots of diamonds in it.
She’s going to love this pack of playing cards I’ve bought her.
What did the brain say to the bladder on its 8th birthday?
I just got my birthday card and when I opened it, maple syrup came oozing out
It was from my Aunt Jemima
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
She'll be happy to know I got the hint.
I got her a magazine rack!
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
I have a friend who was born on July 5th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence post. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 5/7 wood post again.
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