"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself and shared it with us during Christmas dinner!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Honolulu...
π︎ 211
π
︎ Dec 26 2020
When it comes to decorating the Christmas tree, I've got a leg up on the competition. My cat says I passed out under the tree again, but I told her to stop pulling my leg.
π︎ 47
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︎ Dec 28 2020
So Iβm at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still donβt know because he hasnβt opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
βDad, I knew that story wasnβt real because you donβt have any friendsβ
π»π»ππβ οΈβ οΈ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
π︎ 16
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︎ Jan 10 2021
I found a knife at the bottom of my ornament box (no idea why) so I picked it up and announced ββtwas the knife before Christmas!β
π︎ 13
π
︎ Dec 13 2020
It IS a Christmas movie, dammit.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 22 2020
I cut down a Christmas tree today. My wife asked me if I was going to put it up myself.
I said: βOf course not. I was going to put it up in the living room.β
π︎ 28
π
︎ Dec 23 2020
Sorry this is a day late, but I made a Christmas Puns advent calendar from QR codes and I wanted to share it with everyone.
pdfhost.io/v/TQuSCzy.W_Adβ¦
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
I bought a massive Christmas tree at the weekend. The guy in the store asked "Are you planning on putting it up yourself?"
I said "Nah, I'll probably just put it up in the living room"
π︎ 34
π
︎ Nov 25 2020
It's Christmas day. Mariah Carey is opening presents around the tree with friends and family. She opens an envelope with a gift, the deed to a piece of residential land.
With a frown, she says "I don't want a lot for Christmas".
π︎ 18
π
︎ Nov 23 2020
I have a co-worker who claimed for years that he hates Christmas. He finally broke down and told me he secretly loves it, he just has a reputation to maintain.
He finally came out of the Santa Claus-et.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 12 2020
It should be illegal for London to go into lockdown over Christmas!
...That's capital punishment!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 14 2020
If anyone is alone this Christmas and has nobody to spend it with, please let me know..
I really need to borrow some chairs.
π︎ 21
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︎ Nov 15 2020
People at our Christmas party were impressed when I showed off my incredibly detailed tattoo, but they didn't believe me when I tell them I got it done in Madrid.
Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Dec 25 2019
It was around Christmas and I had bought gifts for everyone except my parents.
I had no idea what to get them. But after a long brainstorming I finally decided to get the a new fridge.
It's was actually so satisfying to see their faces lit up as they opened it.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Aug 31 2020
I asked my boss, βCan I have a week off around Christmas?β He growled, βItβs May!β
I countered, βSorry. May I have a week off around Christmas!?β
π︎ 135
π
︎ May 05 2020
What it the best Christmas gift?
A broken drum.. you can never beat it
π︎ 12
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︎ Aug 13 2020
The sweater I got for Christmas was picking up static electricity. So I went to the store to return it.
They gave me another one. Free of charge.
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Jan 27 2019
Itβs Christmas movie season
π︎ 31
π
︎ Nov 21 2019
Murray Christmas Everyone!!! (Side note- I don't take credit for this, but it's too great not to share)
π︎ 19
π
︎ Dec 25 2019
How much did it cost me to get the perfect size Christmas tree for my house?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 22 2019
My christmas plant has lost it's leaves,
now it's a disapointsettia.
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π
︎ Dec 22 2019
My sister talking about Christmas: βI donβt worry about Christmas, I got it all under wrapsβ
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 23 2019
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
π︎ 43
π
︎ Feb 26 2020
Son: That's a big Christmas tree, Dad. Are you going to put it up yourself?
Dad: No, son. I'm going to put it in the living room.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Dec 07 2019
My wife and kids told me to stop singing Christmas songs. They said 'It's March, save it for the one day it is Christmas!'
I said 'Oh... I wish it could be Christmas everyday.'
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 08 2020
Has anyone heard "Duvet Know it's Christmas?"
π︎ 57
π
︎ Dec 05 2019
I don't get it, why is it so important for Christians to have 'K' and 'M' next to each other at Christmas?
I mean every other song "No L, No L!"
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 01 2019
It was my turn to hide the pickle on the tree this Christmas.
No matter how hard I tried, you could always see the jar sticking out.
It was a Vlasic holiday blunder.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 26 2019
Last year, my wife was so angry that I forgot to buy her a Christmas present, but that's not happening this time, because I bought her present two months ago! It's all wrapped up, sitting under the tree, waiting for her on Christmas Day!!
She's going to love these flowers!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 22 2019
If I ran a large department store, I would publish a huge catalogue of Christmas products and call it the "All I want for Christmas" issue.
And put Mariah Carey on the cover
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 01 2019
How did the blind Jedi knew it was Christmas?
π︎ 15
π
︎ Oct 01 2019
Itβs Christmas time
Why do elves go to school?
To learn the elphabet
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 30 2019
It's Christmas morning and Mariah Carey wakes up to see what her boyfriend got her this year.
She opens the front door and there is a huge log on a chain contraption that can ram castle gates.Β Confused, she looks past the medieval device to see her boyfriend standing in the front yard surrounded by dozens of male sheep and holding two tickets to skybox seats for football in Los Angeles.
He holds his arms wide and asks, "what do you think?"
She smiles and says, "Thank you for the rams but all I want for Christmas is ewe."
π︎ 2
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︎ Nov 23 2019
Son, it is time you hear the truth. Father Christmas and the Easter Bunny are not real. Mum and I bring you the gifts.
Son: I know Mum already told me. She also said that uncle Mike is the stork.
π︎ 38
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︎ Dec 23 2018
Its Christmas seasonn
π︎ 13
π
︎ Nov 25 2018
If youβre struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas. Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.
π︎ 70
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︎ Sep 26 2018
The whole Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a bit.
π︎ 14
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︎ Dec 01 2018
My Christmas Tree has been through several wars, I can only place ornaments on the top of it now.
It is very highly decorated.
π︎ 20
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︎ Nov 30 2018
I didn't realize how lopsided and uneven our Christmas tree was until we got home. I'm so mad that we might have to bring it back.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 08 2018
I got my son a gift card for Christmas. I told him not to spend it all in one place.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 31 2018
I cut down a Christmas tree today. My wife asked me if I was going to put it up myself.
I said: βOf course not. I was going to put it up in the living room.β
π︎ 116
π
︎ Dec 22 2019
I got a new sweater for Christmas, but it was picking up too much static electricity
I returned it for a new one, free of charge
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 04 2020
I got a new sweater for Christmas, but it was picking up too much static electricity
I exchanged it for a new one, free of charge
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jan 04 2020
The sweater I got last Christmas kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back to the store and exchanged it for another oneβ¦
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 20 2019
The guy that sold me my Christmas tree asked if I'd be putting it up myself...
...nah mate. I'll be putting it in the living room.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 27 2019
A dad comes home with a christmas tree and his daughter asks if he is going to put it up himself.
He replies, "Of course not, I'm going to put it in the living room."
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 07 2019
The sweater my kids gave me last Christmas kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back to the store and exchanged it for another oneβ¦
π︎ 133
π
︎ Jul 05 2018
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