A lot of bouncing back and forth.
I don’t know 8 people without problems
He seems a bit lost, he's been driving home for Christmas since 1986
The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him “This is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining “jingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. “Rudolph” “Frosty the Snowman” “Drummer Boy” even “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. “ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. “NO honey it really works watch!” “Im going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. “WAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out “CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”
I really need to borrow some chairs.
It was just a stocking filler
Sea son's greetings.
now is the perfect time to tell the kids that Santa didn't make it through the pandemic.
He calls them missile toes.
You just can't beat something like that.
I should have known better than to make week sauce.
There's no Plate like Chrome for the Hollandaise.
All the trimmings
(Merry Christmas everyone!)
That speaks volumes.
No matter how hard I tried, you could always see the jar sticking out. It was a Vlasic holiday blunder.
She's going to love these flowers!
It's cheaper than tinsel and baubles.
She opens the front door and there is a huge log on a chain contraption that can ram castle gates. Confused, she looks past the medieval device to see her boyfriend standing in the front yard surrounded by dozens of male sheep and holding two tickets to skybox seats for football in Los Angeles.
He holds his arms wide and asks, "what do you think?"
She smiles and says, "Thank you for the rams but all I want for Christmas is ewe."
Dad: How do you make a hobbit?
Me: Please dont
Dad: You frodocopy it!
Me: Please kill me
My girlfriend made it worse this year by laughing.
This gift sucks.
Some people have too many dollars and not enough scents.
because I HAVE dated references.
She still refuses to plug-in the chair I bought for her last year.
Not as a main gift though, just as a stocking filler.
I've been diagnosed with old langxiety.
Cause they can't decide who's responsible for opening the doors.
But when I gave it to her she just said "Bah handbag"
We just visited the cemetery to visit my great grandfather's grave, and all the headstones have Christmas wreaths on them because it's a national cemetery (military). Someone asked "well I wonder who lays all these wreaths out here." My dad replied, "The Grim Wreather."
We all laughed as my mom hit him on the arm and said he was terrible.
He's calling it the Buttcracker.
I think it's the rapping paper.
He lives very far from my place (10 hours flight to get there) and unfortunately, I was not able to visit my parents this year.
Obviously he asked me when I will come and visit them, to which I replied "I'll visit you this year for sure".
By the time I said that I told myself "god what have you done..." only to hear my dad on the phone: "Better hurry up! you only have 5 days left!"
