From my 7yr old daughter: Why was the pig covered in ink?

Because he lived in a pen!

So very proud!

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/soaraf
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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I recently bought my only Daughter a locket with her picture inside, for her 18th birthday.

.. just so glad She's now finally independent.

πŸ‘︎ 556
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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My daughter told me Jim Morrison is overrated.

I told her not to slam The Doors in my house.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrSabrewulf
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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Grandpa went quiet after seeing my daughter for the first time

I asked him if he’s okay. He said, β€œYeah, I’m great!”

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/makecents91
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"

I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."

πŸ‘︎ 22k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArchipelagoMind
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Daughter : β€œDad, can you put my shoes on?”

Dad : β€œNo, I don’t think they’ll fit me.”

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LogOffPleez
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
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What did my daughter say when she put on her Frozen glasses?

Icy.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFifthStep
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
The police arrested my daughter claiming she had burnt our house down.

But it was arson

πŸ‘︎ 368
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neo-1000
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
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What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two!

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/denandbil
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
From my daughter (so proud)

When I was young I was told I could be anyone I wanted. Turns out identity theft is a crime.

πŸ‘︎ 364
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TryToHelpPeople
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...

"...40 second birthday". I was so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 32k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amplifi-dash
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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An original from my 5 year old daughter: Why was the egg itchy?

Because it had egg-zema.

She's suffered from eczema since she was a baby and I'm glad she can find humor in it.

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tiberius_Jim
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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My daughter said she needs a book by Shakespeare for a class assignment. "Which one?" I asked.

"William."

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you get a farmer’s daughter to like you?

A tractor.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toberoni
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....

......and the second one Duplikate.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
🚨︎ report
My teenage daughter is really acting odd...

She can't even.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Me to my teen age daughter in the grocery store while I hold a melon.

β€œYou cantaloupe! Your too young”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FroshPresident
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
If a father in Iraq gifts his daughter a new bag, what will she say?

Thanks for the Baghdad!

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alpha_Supreme
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a lawyer name her daughter

Sue

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joeytherealking
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."

"Stairs don't talk!"

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter (6) and I were watching a show where the phrase β€œgelatinous mass” came up..

..so I blurted out, β€œThat’s what jellyfish call church!” rimshot

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buh-sploder
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
MY DAUGHTER KEPT COMPLAINING FOR DAYS ABOUT A MONSTER UNDER HER BED

So I drank it and told her to stop hiding cans😀

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AboutKemosabe
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Sent this to my daughter.

(https://i.imgur.com/uszL4rb.jpg)

Edit: Marking the β€œstuds” in the wall..

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/waltmaniac
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Daughter: "Can you open this, dad?"

opens the jar

Yep! I sure can!

closes it back and hands it back

My daughter again " ..... "

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
My daughter told me she was having a bad hair day...

...it was very knotty.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bcjgreen
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
🚨︎ report
My 2 yo daughter doesn’t like to go to sleep.

Some nights I feel like a cop chasing a robber trying to catch her so I can put her to sleep, as she β€œsteels” away in various rooms of the house...

You could say she’s β€œevading a-rest”...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/x000b
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My daughter wanted to help me make some bread, so she offered to "proof" the dough for me.

"Really?" "Sure," she said.

"It's the yeast I can do."

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
My daughter(7) just caught me off guard with this.

Daughter : Whats Nana's middle name?

Me: the same as mommies, I think

Daughter: her middle name is just i think?

I'm so proud. Sorry if I don't know how to format, I tried.

πŸ‘︎ 326
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πŸ‘€︎ u/podolot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My son was just born and another dad at the hospital congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday.

He said, "Maybe they'll marry each other?"

"Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age."

πŸ‘︎ 659
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter got out of choir practice. She was talking about who her favorite conductors were, and was really excited about her favorite ones, because she said they were very good conductors.

Did they stick their fingers in an electrical socket?

"No... Why..?"

Well, then, how do you know if they were good conductors or not?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/der_innkeeper
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
I caught my daughter taking pictures of her feet. I asked her why.

β€œI needed better camera footage.”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rlchv70
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend told me, β€œYour wife and daughter look like twins!”

I said, β€œWell, they were separated at birth.”

πŸ‘︎ 24k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter told me she doesn’t like the Odyssey.

I told her: that’s odd, I see.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HappyRamenMan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Screwing in some camera mounts and I dropped my drill, it came so close to hitting my daughter in the head...

Good thing it was only a drill!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
My daughter told me she saw a deer on the way to school.

Me: β€œHow do you know it was going to school?”

πŸ‘︎ 120
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I was racing my daughter to school this morning and I was winning.

She said that I was ahead, and I laughed when I told her β€œno, I’m a dad.”

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/marcuccione
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff...

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter wants a horse...

But first we need a stable income.

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the Fisherman name his daughter?

Annette

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Meeksta11
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
I’m a proud dad. My daughter just told me this joke. In Hawaii, do people laugh loud?

Or is it a low ha (Aloha)

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pimco
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Is it a dad joke when your daughter tells it?

My 11 year old to my 9 year old, as we drive by a cemetery on a hill : "i wonder why they bury people in a hill."

9 year old, in total deadpan: "because they're dead."

πŸ‘︎ 105
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πŸ‘€︎ u/g5van5g
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter was watching The Little Mermaid so I asked her if she knew why Sebastian was kicked out of college?

It's because all his grades where under da c

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrBum80
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
From my six years daughter: what kind of bread does the sun like?

A heart shaped bread. (she pronounced it "hot" with a heavy British accent). This is her Valentine day joke. I am a proud dad.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrSpeedskater
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
4 year-old daughter: Daddy, do you know what I'm going to name this cow from Chick-fil-a?

Moovie!

One man-tear was shed.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peternemr
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
The police arrested my daughter claiming she had burnt our house down.

But, it was arson.

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....

....and the second one Duplikate.

πŸ‘︎ 485
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I said to my daughter "The cows are out sleeping in the field." She said "What's that got to do with anything? "

I said "It's pasture bedtime."

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
If I have twin daughters, I'll name one Kate

And I'll name the other DupliKate

πŸ‘︎ 115
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Salman_R
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report

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