At least he won't turn over in his grave.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Mar 27 2021
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
π︎ 956
π
︎ May 08 2021
Wife says I wonβt get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
π︎ 25k
π
︎ Feb 18 2021
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
π︎ 9
π
︎ May 30 2021
Don't know if this is a scam, but I just received a text saying I'd won Β£250 cash or 2 VIP tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says, " Press 1 for the money or 2 for the show...."
π︎ 22
π
︎ May 29 2021
I won a race thorough northern Europe once.
It ended when I crossed the Finnish line.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 04 2021
I won the top prize in a lottery themed around the world's tallest terrestrial animal
I guess a picked a pretty lucky giraffle ticket
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 14 2021
I took my new cat back to the shop as it won't come in doors and just keeps running round the outside of my house.
The shop keeper refused to take it back saying that I asked for a lap cat!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jun 02 2021
My wife won a large ceramic pot
π︎ 18
π
︎ Apr 24 2021
Why won't swords go obsolete?
They are cutting edge technology.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Nov 18 2020
I've just won an award for being the most secretive person of the year.
I can't tell you how proud that makes me.
π︎ 53
π
︎ Apr 06 2021
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 22 2021
Mother said, βYou wonβt amount to anything because you procrastinate.β
Kid said, βOh yaβ¦..Just you wait.β
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 15 2021
I just won huge in the lottery....
π︎ 13
π
︎ May 08 2021
A bee that won't stop eating...
.....Will become a little chub-bee.
π︎ 12
π
︎ May 09 2021
Why wonβt triangles go on dates with circles?
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Dec 01 2020
My dad dad was a big Gambler and always won. His secret was to not tell anyone..
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 17 2021
What kind of man is hot and spicy and won't dissapoint you?
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 06 2021
Why won't it work?!
π︎ 29
π
︎ Mar 27 2021
Did you hear about the farmer that won an award
He was outstanding in his field.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Apr 03 2021
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes along way.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Apr 28 2021
I asked a conspiracy theorist if they knew who really won the election. They saidβ¦
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 05 2021
Won an award for growing the biggest pickle in the state.
π︎ 38
π
︎ Mar 18 2021
10 puns entered a contest. Who won you ask?
π︎ 20
π
︎ Apr 18 2021
Why wonβt you starve in a desert?
Because of all the 'sand which is' there
π︎ 39
π
︎ Mar 13 2021
Covid can cause another condition, however, this condition won't come up in people living in sweden.
It's called Stuckhome syndrome
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 01 2021
What do you call someone who won't get off your lawn?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 22 2021
Told my luggage there wonβt be any vacations because of COVID-19
Now Iβm dealing with emotional baggage
π︎ 12
π
︎ Apr 14 2021
My wife has been taking a course in advanced electrics and it's taken over her life. Everything she says these days concerns resistors, transformers, circuitry, voltage, ampage etc. All fucking day long, I've tried explaining to her it's driving a wedge between us, but she won't listen to reason.
She just buries her head in the sand like an off switch.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 18 2021
My wife wonβt let me get a tattoo of a grizzly on each bicep.
She is infringing on my right to bear arms.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Nov 10 2020
Why wonβt superman invest in Bitcoin?
Because his weakness is krypto
π︎ 191
π
︎ Jan 27 2021
I hung around so long that I won the loitery.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Feb 12 2021
I wonβt get to use my water cannon of doom
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 23 2021
Being a parent is hard - my son won't ever let me have a good night's sleep; so when my wife came home the other day and asked why I was so red...
I told her I was just completely sunburnt
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 15 2021
VIAGRA....It won't make you James Bond....
.....but, it would make you Roger Moore.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Feb 24 2021
I won a spelling bee once, my friend said I was very smart...
I told him I put the "j" in jenius.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 07 2021
After my sonβs team won the soccer tournament, the goalkeeper invited us for a party afterwards.
It was the Father, the Son, and the Goalie host.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Apr 05 2021
What do you call it when your tuning fork wonβt stop ringing?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 12 2021
My buddy used to paint these beautiful beach scapes when he lived on the coast, but since heβs moved away, he wonβt paint any more.
I guess heβs now an ex-cape-artist...
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 04 2021
I heard that Cardi B won a certificate for being crazy.
I guess she's a certified freak.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 27 2021
What do you call a skidmark that won't come out?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 12 2021
Caveman 1: "I've heard that a dinosaur won't hurt me if I carry a club. Is that true?"
Caveman 2: "That depends on how fast you carry the club."
(Yes, I'm aware of the anachronisms.)
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 26 2021
I donβt know if this is a scam or not? Iβve just received a phone call saying Iβve won $250 or 2 tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute show...
Then it said just press 1 for the money, 2 for the show
π︎ 8
π
︎ May 21 2021
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Oct 25 2020
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