But then I got married and we bought a second night stand.
My left hand is clean, but, on the other hand, I did touch meat.
So, the next morning I raced out and bought another one for the other side of the bed.
Alright so yesterday at dinner my mom and dad told me and my sister that they decided that we would indeed drive to Florida and stay there and rent a place for a few months. The home they picked out is in the same community as my grandparents, I am all happy about this except for the part where we have to drive 1000 miles over 15 hours of driving. So anyway after my sister and I ask some questions about the place he says “did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet, but most have four”
Surely it's just water under the bridge by now?
I woke up every 2 hours and cried.
“Do you feel alright? Gosh I don’t know what your mom put in these things, but I falafel.”
(Falafel —> “feel-awful”)
I said "should we ground it?"
I'm going vegan today.
"I'm on antidepressants."
He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.
So we were out celebrating my dad’s birthday last night. I said, “You and Mom are healthy and look good for your age. I wish I had your genes!” (I’m adopted.) Without missing a beat, Dad said, “You can have mine if you want, I can barely fit in them anymore!”
Story tme: Last night, my family went to a fancy steak dinner to celebrate a bunch of stuff, and i was pulling my normal dad jokes, when I thought of the best one yet. So, i told everyone i thought of a great joke and was waiting for the steaks to arrive to tell it. They thanked me for warning them.
Cue steaks arriving and I pull an ice cube out of my glass of water and put it on my steak, saying:
Y'know, this is just icing on the steak!
Good Moral Fiber.
I just can't get over it
"I am", I said.
Dad: why are there so many weeds and shrubs in your yard?
Me: because there isn't mushroom for anything else
Dad: I've taught you well son
It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
But she wasn't really Inuit
I said “Well yes, but to be fair, it is a small bathroom”.
I was wearing Wilson socks, and they have a big 'W' on each of them.
Dad walks in and sees them:
"What does that stand for?....Weft and wight?"
Doubles over in laughter at his cleverness.
Waitress: "You guys look like you're slowing down, should I start wrapping?"
Me: "Sure I'll drop a beat"
Everyone at the table just pretended like they didn't hear it except for her grandfather who laughed.
Me after fixing his train track: "Are you happy"
Him: Giggles "No daddy I'm Connor!"
I feel like I am raising him well.
And then it all came flooding back to me.
What's the difference between swine flu and bird flu?
One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.
A farmer decides to sell everything he owns and use the money to buy vowels on Wheel of Fortune.
Old MacDonald lost his farm.
E-I-E-I-O
I replied, "No I'll drink it. It's still water."
I looked at them and said “how did it end up like this? It was only Swiss-miss.”
My mom made stuffed peppers with with Shepherd's pie ground beef instead of stuffed pepper mix. So my dad goes... "I guess these are Shepherd's Peppers!"
He couldn't wait to spit that one out and had a great big laugh. Then told it again because my mom wasn't in the room.
Edit.. I don't think some people know the food involved. Stuffed peppers are these. And shepherds pie is this
I was a man trapped in a woman's body.
[pause for effect]
And then I was born.
He said relax, you're two tents.
I said “the difference between last night and this morning is night and day”
The waitress asked, "So what brings you folks to Applebees tonight?" Dad answered, "Our car"
(Debating on whether or not our dog Buddy can tell time)
"Of course Buddy can tell time! He's a watch dog!"
There isn’t another soul on the street.
Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bump…bump.
He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him.
Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run.
He looks behind him again, and the shadow is closer.
Bump…bump…bump.
The glow of a streetlight illuminates the shadow momentarily, and, to the man’s horror, it is a coffin, bumping down the sidewalk.
He quickens his pace, running as fast as he can go, but the coffin only pursues more quickly.
BUMP…BUMP…BUMP!
He reaches his house, fumbles frantically for his keys, and slips in the door just as the coffin reaches his front steps.
He slams the door and leans against it, catching his breath.
Bump…bump…bump.
There is a moment’s silence, and the man wonders if he dares to breathe.
Suddenly…. Bump…bump…bump…Bump…
BUMP! BUMP!
BUMPBUMPBUMPCRAAAAASH!!!!
He rebounds away as the door breaks off its hinges.
Scrambling to his feet, he charges up the stairs, and the coffin races after.
BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP!
Terrified, he backs into a corner and starts throwing everything within reach at the coffin — a handful of papers, a vase, a box of crackers, a lamp — but the coffin keeps coming!
BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP INCHESFROMHISFACE, and nothing seems to slow it down!
His hands fall upon a bottle of cough syrup, and he throws that at the coffin, too!
The coffin stops.
So the next morning, I rushed out and bought another one for the other side of the bed.
It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show
I felt so bad about it. I just had to go out and buy another one for the other side of the bed.
A vase.
It was expensive. My mom wasn't happy about it.
