I had this massive piece of steak on the barbecue last night. As it was cooking, the smell of the juices made my mouth salivate.

I had a thought. I wondered if vegetarians had the same effect, while mowing their lawn.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
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I was in the garden last night and to my surprise there was this huge UFO, just hovering....

So, I rushed indoors to get the worst camera I could find, to film it with.....

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
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When I was single I had this one night stand

But then I got married and we bought a second night stand.

πŸ‘︎ 121
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coleosis1414
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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Thought of this one while I was cooking last night

My left hand is clean, but, on the other hand, I did touch meat.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oxigenate
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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I had this one night stand and I felt really bad about it.

So, the next morning I raced out and bought another one for the other side of the bed.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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Dad told me this one last night

Alright so yesterday at dinner my mom and dad told me and my sister that they decided that we would indeed drive to Florida and stay there and rent a place for a few months. The home they picked out is in the same community as my grandparents, I am all happy about this except for the part where we have to drive 1000 miles over 15 hours of driving. So anyway after my sister and I ask some questions about the place he says β€œdid you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet, but most have four”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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I got arrested for dumping ice under the overpass last night. I thought they would have let me go this morning.

Surely it's just water under the bridge by now?

πŸ‘︎ 108
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πŸ‘€︎ u/midget_clown
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
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So my wife made Middle Eastern falafels last night and I got her with this one, while speaking to my daughter.

β€œDo you feel alright? Gosh I don’t know what your mom put in these things, but I falafel.”

(Falafel β€”> β€œfeel-awful”)

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mmmjr16
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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This morning my wife said "I think the power went out last night."

I said "should we ground it?"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cblack12483
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
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This morning, after a long night of binging, I got out of bed and looked in the mirror. I saw my haggard, worn-out body and overcome with emotion I realised that for the sake of my family I had to quit cold turkey.

I'm going vegan today.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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Take a look at this conversation I had last night
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/diabadcat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
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Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...

"I'm on antidepressants."

He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.

Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebikerdad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
🚨︎ report
My 77 year old dad said this last night

So we were out celebrating my dad’s birthday last night. I said, β€œYou and Mom are healthy and look good for your age. I wish I had your genes!” (I’m adopted.) Without missing a beat, Dad said, β€œYou can have mine if you want, I can barely fit in them anymore!”

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/droppedwhat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2018
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So i pulled this one off at dinner last night

Story tme: Last night, my family went to a fancy steak dinner to celebrate a bunch of stuff, and i was pulling my normal dad jokes, when I thought of the best one yet. So, i told everyone i thought of a great joke and was waiting for the steaks to arrive to tell it. They thanked me for warning them.

Cue steaks arriving and I pull an ice cube out of my glass of water and put it on my steak, saying:

Y'know, this is just icing on the steak!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blaidd_Golau
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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Woke up with this joke from a dream I had last night. β€œWhat personality trait is the most cleansing?”

Good Moral Fiber.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lefthandedfreak
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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This is the Rythm of the night!! The night!!! Oh yeah!!!
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fry_The_High
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
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I’m on a trip for work and my girlfriend sent me this last night.
πŸ‘︎ 118
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nathantheman
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
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I've never been able to beat my school's high jump record and it keeps me up at night to this day...

I just can't get over it

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greatreference
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
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This guy comes up to me at the karaoke bar and asks, "Are you the guy who spends all night singing Neil Diamond songs?"

"I am", I said.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I got my dad with this one when he came over one night...

Dad: why are there so many weeds and shrubs in your yard?

Me: because there isn't mushroom for anything else

Dad: I've taught you well son

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mothertuckingdog
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Don't know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I'd won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.

It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

πŸ‘︎ 304
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keithasaurus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2018
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I was with this Siberian girl the other night, we were talking, having fun. Things started to escalate so I asked her to take this down south

But she wasn't really Inuit

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yveli
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
🚨︎ report
My missus spent 2 hours getting ready to go out last night. She finally came out of the bathroom and asked β€œDo I look fat in this?”

I said β€œWell yes, but to be fair, it is a small bathroom”.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad dropped this last night.

I was wearing Wilson socks, and they have a big 'W' on each of them.

Dad walks in and sees them:

"What does that stand for?....Weft and wight?"

Doubles over in laughter at his cleverness.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/positiveside
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2013
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Pulled this one at a restaurant last night with my girlfriends family

Waitress: "You guys look like you're slowing down, should I start wrapping?"

Me: "Sure I'll drop a beat"

Everyone at the table just pretended like they didn't hear it except for her grandfather who laughed.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Not_Brandon_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2015
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My 4 year old got me with this one last night

Me after fixing his train track: "Are you happy"

Him: Giggles "No daddy I'm Connor!"

I feel like I am raising him well.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/quiksilver895
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2018
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When I went to the toilet this morning, I had completely forgotten that it was clogged from the night before.

And then it all came flooding back to me.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2018
🚨︎ report
This is our night. This is our time. This is imgur.com/qL2eY5G
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2017
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My dad told me this joke last night

What's the difference between swine flu and bird flu?

One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lolcatz101
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2018
🚨︎ report
I thought of this joke in a dream last night, I think it will fit in just fine here.

A farmer decides to sell everything he owns and use the money to buy vowels on Wheel of Fortune.

Old MacDonald lost his farm.

E-I-E-I-O

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ojipog
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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Last night I was finishing up pressure washing my driveway and one neighbor dad drove by and said β€œlookin’ good, great practice for when you do mine this weekend”, and then turned to his wife in the passenger seat laughing hysterically as she looked at him with a blank stare.
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sheptown
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
🚨︎ report
This morning, my wife asked if I wanted her to throw out my can of sparkling water that had been on the counter all night.

I replied, "No I'll drink it. It's still water."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chewiedies
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad pulled this one at dinner last night

My mom made stuffed peppers with with Shepherd's pie ground beef instead of stuffed pepper mix. So my dad goes... "I guess these are Shepherd's Peppers!"

He couldn't wait to spit that one out and had a great big laugh. Then told it again because my mom wasn't in the room.

Edit.. I don't think some people know the food involved. Stuffed peppers are these. And shepherds pie is this

πŸ‘︎ 417
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the-truth-
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2014
🚨︎ report
Last night I had The Killers over for s’mores and hot cocoa. We all woke up this morning sick with hangovers

I looked at them and said β€œhow did it end up like this? It was only Swiss-miss.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mfitzy87
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
🚨︎ report
My gf's uncle pulled this one off last night

I was a man trapped in a woman's body.
[pause for effect]
And then I was born.

πŸ‘︎ 778
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dclarsen
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2015
🚨︎ report
I went to my psychiatrist and said, "Doc. Every night I have this dream. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam.

He said relax, you're two tents.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/adjiii
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2018
🚨︎ report
I went to bed sick last night and this morning my wife asked me how I was feeling -

I said β€œthe difference between last night and this morning is night and day”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/muncie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad pulled this one when we went out to eat for his birthday last night

The waitress asked, "So what brings you folks to Applebees tonight?" Dad answered, "Our car"

πŸ‘︎ 395
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarnafein
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2014
🚨︎ report
This guy’s walking home from work, really late, in the pitch black of night...

There isn’t another soul on the street.

Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bump…bump.

He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him.

Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run.

He looks behind him again, and the shadow is closer.

Bump…bump…bump.

The glow of a streetlight illuminates the shadow momentarily, and, to the man’s horror, it is a coffin, bumping down the sidewalk.

He quickens his pace, running as fast as he can go, but the coffin only pursues more quickly.

BUMP…BUMP…BUMP!

He reaches his house, fumbles frantically for his keys, and slips in the door just as the coffin reaches his front steps.

He slams the door and leans against it, catching his breath.

Bump…bump…bump.

There is a moment’s silence, and the man wonders if he dares to breathe.

Suddenly…. Bump…bump…bump…Bump…

BUMP! BUMP!

BUMPBUMPBUMPCRAAAAASH!!!!

He rebounds away as the door breaks off its hinges.

Scrambling to his feet, he charges up the stairs, and the coffin races after.

BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP!

Terrified, he backs into a corner and starts throwing everything within reach at the coffin β€” a handful of papers, a vase, a box of crackers, a lamp β€” but the coffin keeps coming!

BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP INCHESFROMHISFACE, and nothing seems to slow it down!

His hands fall upon a bottle of cough syrup, and he throws that at the coffin, too!

The coffin stops.

πŸ‘︎ 206
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2016
🚨︎ report
My dad threw this one at me last night

(Debating on whether or not our dog Buddy can tell time)

"Of course Buddy can tell time! He's a watch dog!"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anxious_pizza
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2018
🚨︎ report
I had this one night stand and I felt so bad about it...

So the next morning, I rushed out and bought another one for the other side of the bed.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Don't know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I'd won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.

It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I had this one night stand.

I felt so bad about it. I just had to go out and buy another one for the other side of the bed.

πŸ‘︎ 184
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BuySamADrink
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad dropped this one last night...

A vase.

It was expensive. My mom wasn't happy about it.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NikkoE82
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2013
🚨︎ report

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