From my girlfriends daughter. A classic I’m so proud of her. She’s sees a road work ahead sign coming up on side of the road.

She proudly announces β€œ well if it doesn’t we are all dead”. Hahahaha

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bamafan6566
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
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He sees
πŸ‘︎ 100
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lonedrifterjk
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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One cat sees another cat eating a hot dog PLAIN, and says

"Hey Cat, 'sup?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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A man goes to a beekeeper and asks for 12 bees. He counts, and sees he has been given 13....

β€œSir, you gave me an extra!” he says. The beekeeper replies β€œOh, that’s a freebie”

πŸ‘︎ 154
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MARKHENRY88
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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The pessimist sees a dark tunnel. The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a freight train.

The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 112
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πŸ‘€︎ u/firestrike007
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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An english man walks in the suburbs of London, and sees a garden full of bread on towels. He asks a man in the garden about it

"We live in Great Breadtan afterall" responds the man

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hailolo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
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A guy sees a pirate walking down the street with a steering wheel in his pants...

He yells, hey! Hey, pirate! There's a steering wheel in your pants! Pirate says, Aarr, I know! It's driving me nuts!

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FeelixOne
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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A man is walking down the street when he looks into an alley and sees 2 sharks standing up.

One shark hands the other one a small packet full of some suspicious white powder.

"That's some fishy business" the man remarks.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ParadoxXSchock
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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A man is out ice fishing, but not having any luck. But he sees a guy across the lake pulling out fish after fish.

So the man goes over and says β€œI’ve been watching you catch so many fish today, but I’m getting nothing. What’s your secret?”

The other man says β€œMffffmmm mmmm mfffmmmm mmmmm”

The first man says β€œWhat?”

The other man spits something into his hand and says β€œI said, you gotta keep your worms warm!”

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/02K30C1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
When someone sees you with Apple product.

iWitness.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amankhaan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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My wife sees Satan every weekend for evil lessons.

I have no idea how much she charges.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadeauxmarie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling

Guy:"Whats this about?" Bartender:"Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyones drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it? Guy:"Nah, the steaks are too high."

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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Cheese walks past a mirror and sees itself

Halloumi

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...

"Excuse me sir.Is the bar tender here?"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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A physicist sees a guy standing on the edge of a rooftop

He immediately shouts: Don't do it! You have so much potential!

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store.

The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."

The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.

30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.

"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.

20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store.

He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."

The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.

"There's no way you're bilingual."

The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."

πŸ‘︎ 154
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πŸ‘€︎ u/juicy-tomato
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
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When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to pee 2 spots away? We should call that "social pisstancing".

It's topical and stuff

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/paulphicles
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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What Ernest Hemingway novel sees Harry Morgan lose an arm?

A Farewell to Arm.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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Two cowboys are lost in the desert when one sees a tree draped in bacon. He yells β€œit’s a bacon tree” then runs to it and is shot up with bullets

It wasn’t a bacon tree it was a Ham Bush

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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When I go for a walk with my best friend, he can’t help but stop and pet every animal he sees. He just thinks they’re so adorable!

He has awwtism.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pippingigi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
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A physicist sees a man about to jump off of the Empire State Building...

He yells,” Don’t do it, you have too much potential”

πŸ‘︎ 149
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MCVeteran69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Which Transformer always sees the glass as half full?

Optimist Prime

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tyrannosaur85
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
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A man walks in a bar and sees a pot of change labeled: "Make my horse laugh"

He ask the barman: "What is this?"

The barman answer: "Oh this, place a dollar and if you make my horse laugh you can keep the pot."

"Fair enough" says the man "I'll give it a try" and then places a dollar in the pot

He walks in the stable and after a minute, the horse starts laughing and just can't seem to stop.

The man grabs the pot of change and leaves.

One week later, the man comes back to the bar and can still hear the horse laughing.

A new pot of change has been placed on the counter labeled: "Make my horse cry"

Man says: "Fair enough", place a dollar in the pot and walks again in the stable.

The horse stops laughing and starts crying

The man comes back in the bar and takes the pot of change.

Before he gets a chance to leave, the barman ask him: "How did you make him laugh so much?"

"Oh, very simple" says the man "I told him: My dick is bigger than yours"

"And how did you make him cry?" Ask the barman

"Even more simple, I showed him"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alexokirby
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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What happened when the chicken sees a salad.

Chicken Cesar salad.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
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My son sees me rushing to pick up my ringing mobile in another room.

Son: "Mom, Dad's russian!!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mdchris19
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. β€œA bacon tree ! We’re saved!” He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets. /r/Jokes/comments/i7puax/…
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brainstormer77
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
A Dog Catcher Sees Two Stray Dogs

A large dog, and a tiny dog. He knows that he can only catch one, because the other will flee before he can catch it. Which dog does he catch, and why?

A. The large dog, because it weighs more. (Dog catchers are paid by the pound.)

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rubus_Leucodermis
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
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When a Minotaur considers himself an optimist is it that he sees his glass as half-bull?
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sunsquared
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2020
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A man goes to the zoo and sees a baguette in a cage

The man says to a zookeeper "Why's that in there?" and the zookeeper says "What do you mean? It's bread in captivity. "

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/roachwarrior
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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A man walks into a bar and sees a steak hanging from the ceiling.

He asks the bartender, "Why is there a piece of steak hanging from the ceiling?

The bartender replies, "If somebody jumps and manages to hit the steak, all drinks will be free for the entire night. However, if somebody tries and misses, they will have to buy drinks for everybody else for the entire night. Would you like to try?"

The man thinks about it and replies, "No thanks, the stakes are too high."

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/generatedmax
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2018
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There’s a guy in a European airport, and he sees a man carrying a ten foot metal pole. He asks the guy, β€œAre you a pole vaulter?”

The man says, β€œActually, I’m German, but how did you know my name is Walter?”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/J3ST3RR
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
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You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Praefectus27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2017
🚨︎ report
Two friends are on a road trip and one if them sees a sign stating they are approaching Louisville. One says "we should stop in 'Louie-ville' for lunch. The other says it's not pronounced 'Louie-ville', it's 'Louis-ville'!

They go back and forth for a while, neither convincing the other that they are right. Finally they decide on a place to eat. When they get to the restaurant, one of the friends asks the person taking their order to settle it once and for all. "Me and my friend are having a debate and hopefully since you live here, you can set my friend straight. Would you please tell us... and say it clear and slow for my friend here... where are we?"

The person behind the counter gets a puzzled look on his face, then says

>!"Buuuuuurrrrrr gerrrrrr Kiiiiiiinnnnggg"!<

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FaultyData
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What does the farmer say when he sees his grain has caught fire?
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/diblly
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2017
🚨︎ report
A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, "Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I've never seen his kind before."

So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic.

As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm... That was some good lion meat!"

The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away.

Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return.

So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened.

The lion says to the monkey angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together".

So the monkey climbs on the lion's back and they start rushing back to the dog.

The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more.

But then he gets another idea and shouts, "Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!"

πŸ‘︎ 147
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a fortune teller who only sees the worst in things?

A pessi-mystic

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigpapasatan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
🚨︎ report
On a hot summer day, a woman has a hankering for a hot dog. She walks to the nearest hot dog stand and gets in line. Looking up to the front of the queue, she sees an elderly gentleman ordering a bratwurst...

He picks up the ketchup bottle, glances at it and gives a hearty chuckle before slathering his brat in ketchup.

Puzzled, the woman watches as the next customer, a young girl, walks up to order her hot dog.

As she takes the container of relish, she bursts into a fit of giggles and walks off with her food, still laughing merrily.

A middle-aged man steps up next. Shoveling sauerkraut onto his hot dog, he laughs uproariously and walks away grinning.

When she reaches the front of the line, the woman asks the hot dog vendor,

β€œExcuse me, sir, but why does everyone laugh when they get their hot dogs?”

β€œIt’s simple, ma’am.” he says, handing her a piping-hot sausage. β€œI’m surprised you haven’t discovered for yourself.”

Glancing at the mustard, the woman lets loose a peal of laughter.

β€œYa see, ma’am? The real_joke’s always in the condiments!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
A flasher sees three old ladies on a park bench. He walks up and exposes himself. The first one had a stroke. The second one had a stroke.

The third one couldn’t, her arms were too short.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tupacwolverine
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Man walks into a butcher store and sees a side of beef strapped to the ceiling. As he approaches the counter he asked asks β€œHey, what’s with the beef?”

Butcher tells him if he can jump up and touch it, he gets half off his purchase. If not, he pays double. The man looks up at the beef and says,

β€œNah. The steaks are too high.”

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tkl15
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
A man is starving in the desert and sees a bacon tree in the distance.

When he makes it over to the tree, a robber steps out and points a gun at him.

The man says, "whoa, I just wanted some of the bacon from the bacon tree!"

The robber grunts and says, "This ain't no bacon tree. This is a hambush!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WERE_A_BAND
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
🚨︎ report
What is it when a cannibal sees Usain Bolt?

Fast food.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/koreangamerguy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
🚨︎ report
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. The guy asks, "What's this about?"

The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?"

The guy replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/REPOST_STRANGLER
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2018
🚨︎ report

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