...... Tam-puns
http://i.imgur.com/6b53dgn.png?2
Turns out identity theft is a crime.
"Don't eat so much candy all at once!"
"Why?" the boy replied.
"If you eat too much candy, you're stomach will get bigger, and bigger, and it will eventually explode!"
The boy is shocked by this image an immediately stops eating candy. The next day, the boy and mom go to church together, and the boy sits down next to a very visibly pregnant woman. The boy looks at her stomach, then up to her face, and says, "I know what you've been doing."
They always wanted a father figure.
I was walking the other day with my son when he noticed a bee. I told him to leave it alone, to which he replied, "I'll be careful. Get it?! BEE!"
I was beginning to lose hope that he wasn't ever going to understand or appreciate puns! He's in the club now!
Dad: Honey, that’s a little rude. Just have your own.
A Faux Pa
Confused, I said “Why’d you call him earlier when his name’s Ryan??”
“Tread lightly,” my father warned, “because your mother can’t.”
Seizing this as a moral teaching moment she tells her daughter this little white lie, "Well young lady, when a daughter does something naughty, one of her mother's hairs turns grey."
After several moments of deep thought her daughter says to her mother, "So, mommy is that why all of grandma's hair is grey????"
So I said "Okay, what's the matter?"
Nuts or no nuts?
Me: "Really?! She wore ripped jeans to an Easter mass?"
Wife: "Those are her holy jeans."
Then I'm what's left.
I didn't relate to it.
Hey, I guess you could say it was a step dad joke.
On more than one level.
They said, “Oh, a mass shooting.”
Son, with Dad: "Did I just hear mom sneeze?"
Dad: "...hear mom's knees what?"
She is throwing out everything that doesn't "spark joy." I haven't seen Dad in a week.
Nothing gets under their skin
She answered:"Because they listen to their motherboards"
Her Mom shouted "OMg!!"
That should solve the problem with the motherbored
His “first wife”
(They’ve been married 43 years)
I asked the mother if it was hard giving birth to two babies in one day.
She looked me dead in the eyes with a straight face and said, pointing at her husband, "not really. I had one and he had the other"
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Hey, my job serves a youthful porpoise!
You know urine trouble
Onions was such a good dog
I bet you have another pair exactly like that.
My pregnant wife was just wondering if the hospital's gift shop was open.
I asked "Why?"
She said she wanted to get something nice. It'll be our last kid. Just something to say "I knew I had it in me to give birth..." Then she chuckled proudly.
So I said they'll have to preform for me sometime
Me: clenches fist
Wife: don’t you dare
Me: face turns red
Wife: ........
Me: hi Gay, I’m dad.
....that's where most accidents happen
My stay-at-home wife came in earlier and asked what I wanted for dinner. "I don't know... You pick, you're cooking it after all."
A few minutes later she comes in with a frying pan. "Here ya go!"
It was a piece of paper. With the words "I don't know" written on both sides.
... Smartass, lol.
A Faux Pa
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
