Every day, my teacher starts her class by reading a joke from r/dadjokes, but today she is absent.

So today, a subreddit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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What did the man say when he got asked out by 10 women in one day?

Sorry, wrong bathroom.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EliteCombatWombat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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The other day I was attacked by a bunch of children...

but it's okay since I only took minor damage.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/David-EN-
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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It's the opposite day and my friend challenges me in tic tac toe. when it's his turn, he grabs the pencil by his foot. I ask him why and he responds:

"I'm playing the toe tactic"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aglaz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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Pretend you are on a raft in the middle of the ocean surrounded by sharks. You only have a one day supply of water and a harpoon. What do you do?

Stop pretending.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/youthfulcomrade
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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"Egg-plant" shirt by me. Never got why the vegetable was called that until I found out that they used to be white and look like goose eggs back in the day
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stephaniehuang66
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
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There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting /r/Jokes/comments/iya4l4/…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProCreeper_2000
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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Got played by my niece the other day

I was on the couch, visiting with family. My niece is about 2 or 3. She grabs my hand and says "Ewwwwwwwwwww"

Confused, I responded "Eww?"

And as if on cue, she looks down and spits directly into my palm, with a small piece of food for good measure.

Ah...."Eww."

Her dad sitting next to me on the ps4 looks over and asked what happened. I explained what happened and we both laughed. I'm not even mad, I'm impressed. It wouldn't surprise me if she becomes a stand up comic one day, or at least the class clown.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Marcofromda510
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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I got hit in the head by a soda can the other day...

Luckily, it was a soft drink!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Squidboy2002
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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I was walking by a yard sale the other day

I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew i couldn’t turn that down.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MightyOwl121
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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The other day I was driving by a prison and an unusually small person was scaling down the wall. I looked up at him confused as he sneered back at me.

And I thought to myself, well that’s a little condescending.

sorry it’s a repost of myself. My original post got removed for hate speech and harassment

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZealousidealRise7
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
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My friend saw I was upset the other day and he said "It could be worse. You could be an irrigated hole in the ground surrounded by brick work that people use to get water"

It didn't help, but I knew he meant well

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HarryGoLocky
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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I got pooped on by a fish the other day..

It was a real bass-turd

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanGlerrBOY89
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
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I once tried to start a comedy career by telling jokes about my days as a pilot.

Sadly, I could never get my jokes to land, and just kept crashing and burning on stage.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OmegaLiquidX
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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During the riots the other day, a person was beat up by six dwarfs.

Not Happy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.

Then I lost my job as a driver.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
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I have a buddy that goes by Marlon by day.

But at night he's Marloff

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πŸ‘€︎ u/forrestree
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
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UPS says my book on evergreen herbs from the mint family lamiaceae is going to be delivered tomorrow by end of day.

It's about thyme.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eth0null
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
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My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....

Enrique Doubleglazius.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisispeculiar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
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The other day I found a bunch of celery by my front door...

I think I’m being stalked.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Erbearlee
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
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A man was attacked by a guy with an upholstery nail gun the other day.

He's okay. He's recovered now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crash_86
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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LIFE RANT: yesterday was the first day I’ve been outside my house since coronavirus started, I just wanted to get some Jimmy Johns. It’s been 3 months, I ordered a #16 Club Lulu, something seemed off but by the time I got to the car I realized...

Oops, wrong sub

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πŸ‘€︎ u/superto3
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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Dad joked by my toddler....a proud day

Wife made asian food for dinner last night, Tofu/Rice/Veggies/Chicken Wontons.

Toddler is killing the wontons and we teach him how to say "wonton" so he can ask for more correctly.

As he's stuffing another piece into his mouth I ask him "hey bubba, do you like wontons?"

To which my son replies, "No..like twotons"

My son's first joke and it's a dad joke...i'm just so proud lol....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaheiner
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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I was injured by cheddar the other day.

It was way too sharp for me to handle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/undeadalex
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
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"Ho, ho, ho," the jolly bastard mused, unaware I'd been slinking in the shadows for days, ready to unleash my revenge. I'd memorized his patterns, followed his every move, and had set the perfect trap. Down the chimney, ensnared by my noose, and left hanging above the fireplace; I got what I wanted.

A Christmas stalking.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeromocles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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This is by far the best pun of the day , the journalist really drove the message home!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fair_SOTS
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2017
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I feel like I'm gonna choke a person one of these days by joking at the dinner table

And then get jailed for 12 months just for a man's laughter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ManWithoutModem4
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
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A man is pulled over by a cop for speeding. He tries to make some small talk. "So, how was your day?"

"Fine"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aryacooloff
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
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Did you hear about the guy getting hit by the same bicycle everyday, day after day..

Yeh it was a vicious cycle!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChknSchnity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
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I got a call at work the other day from a doctor at the hospital. He says "I have some bad news... It looks like your wife has been hit by a bus."

I said "But she has a great personality."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Picker-Rick
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
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I maintain my stomach tone by doing as many crunches as I can, every single day.

(Usually either Nestle or Captain)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NeverBob
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
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The other day during dinner, my 9 year old son said, "did you know there are some numbers that can only be divided by themselves and 1? Like 43."

I responded, "that is a prime example."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/plmrmusic
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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What do you call a video game gorilla who shrinks by 50% each day?

Exponential DK

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ii_akinae_ii
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2016
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Every day, my professor starts her class by reading to us the important news of the day. Today she didn’t show up.

So a subreddit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
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They say when confronted by a bear, the best thing to do is play dead, so when I came face to face with one in the woods the other day, I accidentally played dad instead...

Now it can ride a bike without training wheels...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2017
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What's Irish and sits by the pool all day?

Patty O'Furniture ☘️

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PussyWhistle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
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Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub.

The first guy says β€œLet’s go in there for a pint.” Second guy, says, β€œThey won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy: β€œSure they will, just follow my lead.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GhostPotency
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
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If you were struck by lightening on a clear day.

That would be shocking.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/og_lefty
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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In my younger days, I was once arrested by the cops for spray painting graffiti.

I tried to deny it, but the writing was on the wall.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
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The other day I drank a new kind of tea that is made by steeping a book in hot water.

Probably won't have it again. It was just a novelty

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chapothedog
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
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After a long, hard day’s worth of work I love to wind down by watching low-effort zombie movies and tv shows.

They’re all pretty brainless.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/uzersk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
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My Math Professor takes days off from work by faking minor injuries.

I shouldn’t have taken a class with Dr. Fibin Ouchie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2018
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What did the man say when he was asked out by ten women in one day?

Sorry, wrong bathroom

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Schrodingers_liar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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Pretend you are on a raft in the middle of the ocean surrounded by sharks. You only have a one day supply of water and a harpoon. What do you do?

Stop pretending.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hibdob
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
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Driving by the prison the other day I saw a midget scaling down the outer wall.

And I thought that’s a little condescending.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sk1wbw
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
🚨︎ report

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