Every day, my teacher starts her class by reading a joke from r/dadjokes, but today she is absent.
Dad initiation joke... When my wife and son were discharged by the hospital after he was born, they said we have to get a pediatric appointment within the next few days. They said they usually fit new borns in.
I said, they absolutely have space- he’s only 20 inches and 6 lbs. [holding my hands up showing how small he is].
What did the man say when he got asked out by 10 women in one day?
The other day I was attacked by a bunch of children...
but it's okay since I only took minor damage.
It's the opposite day and my friend challenges me in tic tac toe. when it's his turn, he grabs the pencil by his foot. I ask him why and he responds:
"I'm playing the toe tactic"
"Egg-plant" shirt by me. Never got why the vegetable was called that until I found out that they used to be white and look like goose eggs back in the day
Pretend you are on a raft in the middle of the ocean surrounded by sharks. You only have a one day supply of water and a harpoon. What do you do?
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting
/r/Jokes/comments/iya4l4/…
Got played by my niece the other day
I was on the couch, visiting with family. My niece is about 2 or 3. She grabs my hand and says "Ewwwwwwwwwww"
Confused, I responded "Eww?"
And as if on cue, she looks down and spits directly into my palm, with a small piece of food for good measure.
Ah...."Eww."
Her dad sitting next to me on the ps4 looks over and asked what happened. I explained what happened and we both laughed. I'm not even mad, I'm impressed. It wouldn't surprise me if she becomes a stand up comic one day, or at least the class clown.
I got hit in the head by a soda can the other day...
Luckily, it was a soft drink!
I was walking by a yard sale the other day
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew i couldn’t turn that down.
The other day I was driving by a prison and an unusually small person was scaling down the wall. I looked up at him confused as he sneered back at me.
And I thought to myself, well that’s a little condescending.
sorry it’s a repost of myself. My original post got removed for hate speech and harassment
My friend saw I was upset the other day and he said "It could be worse. You could be an irrigated hole in the ground surrounded by brick work that people use to get water"
It didn't help, but I knew he meant well
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
I got pooped on by a fish the other day..
During the riots the other day, a person was beat up by six dwarfs.
I once tried to start a comedy career by telling jokes about my days as a pilot.
Sadly, I could never get my jokes to land, and just kept crashing and burning on stage.
I have a buddy that goes by Marlon by day.
But at night he's Marloff
UPS says my book on evergreen herbs from the mint family lamiaceae is going to be delivered tomorrow by end of day.
The other day I found a bunch of celery by my front door...
I think I’m being stalked.
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
A man was attacked by a guy with an upholstery nail gun the other day.
He's okay. He's recovered now.
LIFE RANT: yesterday was the first day I’ve been outside my house since coronavirus started, I just wanted to get some Jimmy Johns. It’s been 3 months, I ordered a #16 Club Lulu, something seemed off but by the time I got to the car I realized...
Dad joked by my toddler....a proud day
Wife made asian food for dinner last night, Tofu/Rice/Veggies/Chicken Wontons.
Toddler is killing the wontons and we teach him how to say "wonton" so he can ask for more correctly.
As he's stuffing another piece into his mouth I ask him "hey bubba, do you like wontons?"
To which my son replies, "No..like twotons"
My son's first joke and it's a dad joke...i'm just so proud lol....
This is by far the best pun of the day , the journalist really drove the message home!
I was injured by cheddar the other day.
It was way too sharp for me to handle.
"Ho, ho, ho," the jolly bastard mused, unaware I'd been slinking in the shadows for days, ready to unleash my revenge. I'd memorized his patterns, followed his every move, and had set the perfect trap. Down the chimney, ensnared by my noose, and left hanging above the fireplace; I got what I wanted.
I feel like I'm gonna choke a person one of these days by joking at the dinner table
And then get jailed for 12 months just for a man's laughter.
A man is pulled over by a cop for speeding. He tries to make some small talk. "So, how was your day?"
Did you hear about the guy getting hit by the same bicycle everyday, day after day..
Yeh it was a vicious cycle!
I got a call at work the other day from a doctor at the hospital. He says "I have some bad news... It looks like your wife has been hit by a bus."
I said "But she has a great personality."
What do you call a video game gorilla who shrinks by 50% each day?
I maintain my stomach tone by doing as many crunches as I can, every single day.
(Usually either Nestle or Captain)
The other day during dinner, my 9 year old son said, "did you know there are some numbers that can only be divided by themselves and 1? Like 43."
I responded, "that is a prime example."
They say when confronted by a bear, the best thing to do is play dead, so when I came face to face with one in the woods the other day, I accidentally played dad instead...
Now it can ride a bike without training wheels...
Every day, my professor starts her class by reading to us the important news of the day. Today she didn’t show up.
What's Irish and sits by the pool all day?
If you were struck by lightening on a clear day.
In my younger days, I was once arrested by the cops for spray painting graffiti.
I tried to deny it, but the writing was on the wall.
The other day I drank a new kind of tea that is made by steeping a book in hot water.
Probably won't have it again. It was just a novelty
My Math Professor takes days off from work by faking minor injuries.
I shouldn’t have taken a class with Dr. Fibin Ouchie.
After a long, hard day’s worth of work I love to wind down by watching low-effort zombie movies and tv shows.
They’re all pretty brainless.
What did the man say when he was asked out by ten women in one day?
Pretend you are on a raft in the middle of the ocean surrounded by sharks. You only have a one day supply of water and a harpoon. What do you do?
Driving by the prison the other day I saw a midget scaling down the outer wall.
And I thought that’s a little condescending.
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