Bear says “oh these? I was born with em.”
tss
Oh darn it! I lost my train of thought.
He gets his drink. The bartender shouts, “the wolves are coming!” They go to the cellar. The bartender says it’s ok now. The guy sees his drink is gone. He gets another one. The bartender says it again. And he is getting suspicious. When the drink is gone again, he gets mad. He gets another one. The bartender says, “the wolves are coming!” The guy says he’s staying there. The bartender says,”you’like be sorry.” The guy says “yeah, right.” The wolves come in. They eat him. And theeeen they drink his drink.
tsss!
Him: Stallone?
Me: No finished around 8
Her: oh, cool! What is it?
Me: Its my thermos, from work!
Her: Oh, well um, the line work is really...
Me: Don't touch the thermos-tat!
"Opie, um..."
"What was the other reindeer's name?"
"Um, Dasher?"
No."
"Dancer?"
"No. Olive."
"Olive?"
"Yes! Olive, the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names."
I was very proud.
She hides, and then I see how high I can count (out loud) before she gets annoyed and comes out to complain about the game.
My daughter. Oh wait, I thought this was r/stepdadjokes
Um, never mind.
Question in study guide: The term evacuative proctography is also commonly called ____________.
Me studying alone: um, hmm....eeesh..not sure..idk. Oh wait, defacogram!
Also me, silently: can’t believe I just pulled that answer outta my ass
With my hands.
OG dad joker till the end. Love you Grandfather.
"I'm going to be ₈"
"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"
The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.
"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs.
Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help.
A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!"
The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup.
Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl.
He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey...I'm...Tom."
She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking..." she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?"
He glances back at the bar. "Yeah...sorry," he pants. "I wanted...to impress you, but...it turned out to be...a pretty cheesy...pig-cup line."
Bad um Tisch
I know it's been done before, and many a dad before me and many a dad after me will get to experience this, but in these dark times this was a ray of light that pierced me right to the core with joy.
I came home, and my bright and bubbly ballerina 6 year old runs up and says can I have a hug!?
She asks very tentatively because she knows I have been out all day and the routine is for me to grab a shower (COVID) before I let them get all over me.
So I say, not yet I'm dirty.
She says awww... then she turns to walk away, but then spins back around and looks at me dead in the eye and says:
Hi! um...
wait a sec,
um, I know um,
um, wait.... dir...
[Face beams the biggest smile of accomplishment]
Hi Dirty! I'm [daughter]!
I know we have those proud moments when they turn, but man her delivery, the awkwardness, and the sheer pride she beamed out when she realized she just pulled the reverse dad joke on me...
It's not the getting reverse dad'd, it's the joy and pride she had... she could have just graduated college, and that's how big her beaming smile was right then...
It's a memory I am going to keep and it really lit up this dark time.
The bartender replies, "I'm sorry, but you're a rope. I can't serve you, and I'm not even sure how I could. Please leave."
A short time later, the rope comes back into the bar and asks for a beer.
The bartender, a bit annoyed at the situation, says, "Look, I told you I can't serve you. Just go away."
A few hours later, the rope comes back in again.
The bartender is getting mad now. "Look, I told you twice that I can't serve alcohol to a rope! Now get out and STAY OUT!"
Dejectedly, the rope leaves the bar and sits at the curb until a gentleman passes by. Suddenly, the piece of rope has an idea.
"Excuse me", says the rope, "but could you do me a favor?"
"Um... me?" says the puzzled gentleman. "Uh... I guess so..."
"Great! I just need you to tie a big ol' knot right in my middle."
"Well," says the gentleman. "I just so happens I was a former Eagle Scout. Here you go," and ties a perfect knot in the rope. "Will that be all?"
The rope pauses for a second and says, "Actually, could you pull apart my ends and unravel them for a bit?"
The gentleman obliges and goes on his merry way. The piece of rope, satisfied at its new appearance, heads back into the bar.
Furious, the bartender shouts, "HEY! Aren't you that same piece of rope I kicked out three times already?!?"
"No, I'm a frayed knot."
Bad um tisch..
I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, "Which one's your dad?!"
He replied, "I don't know, that's what they're fighting about."
Lookin sharp
“Excuse me, could you help me?” I asked.
He grunted in response, barely looking at me.
“Um, I’m looking for a way to keep my dogs in my backyard. Do you know where those electric leashes are? I’m trying to decide if I should try that or just block it off with a fence or something.”
He turned to face me and looked me up and down with disdain, “Do we look like a pet store?” And he turned around and walked away.
I took a fence.
They were post-tit notes.
Geri can
Simple, you just steer.
Transparency.
Godown. God own. Go down.
The gastrointestinal systems success is a complete human waste.
Girlfriend- Do you have any cold medicine? I really hope you do.
Me- I'm so sorry but I think all the medicine I have is room temperature.
Boom. Melted her face.
edit. Damn you swypos
A teapot.
(Edited:) Teapot
Joe Meower
They haven't hit any gigs yet.
Mom: oh no! Who?
Dad: Um, I can remember! I think her name was Reese or something.
Mom: WHITHERSPOON?
Dad: No, it was with a knife.
He’ll give you an ‘R’ before your ‘um’
Me: um no it's not. Dad: *proceed to touch my shirt. It is now!
"Like a glove."
