tss
Bear says βoh these? I was born with em.β
Oh darn it! I lost my train of thought.
tsss!
Him: Stallone?
Me: No finished around 8
She hides, and then I see how high I can count (out loud) before she gets annoyed and comes out to complain about the game.
With my hands.
OG dad joker till the end. Love you Grandfather.
"I'm going to be β"
Professor: Um, you know itβs May, right?
Student: Of course, so sorry! βMay I do something to raise my grade?β
I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, "Which one's your dad?!"
He replied, "I don't know, that's what they're fighting about."
Lookin sharp
Geri can
They were post-tit notes.
Simple, you just steer.
Godown. God own. Go down.
Girlfriend- Do you have any cold medicine? I really hope you do.
Me- I'm so sorry but I think all the medicine I have is room temperature.
Boom. Melted her face.
edit. Damn you swypos
Transparency.
The gastrointestinal systems success is a complete human waste.
They haven't hit any gigs yet.
A teapot.
(Edited:) Teapot
Bad um Tisch
Joe Meower
When my wife starts a sentence off with "Well..." My immediate response is "Now there's a deep subject!" She hates it.
Her: oh, cool! What is it?
Me: Its my thermos, from work!
Her: Oh, well um, the line work is really...
Me: Don't touch the thermos-tat!
Alternative Facts
The seasoned comedian at a night club was telling the new guy, βIf you want a good spot in the line up, youβll have to suck up to the club manager.β
βNo way! Iβm no brown noser. In fact, Iβm writing this into my next routine, thatβll show her.β
He went back to his room and started thinking and writing.
The next weekend the old comedian was surprised when the new guy was first up on stage. He went through his routine flawlessly, never saying a mean word against the clubβs manager... In fact he thanked her repeatedly.
The old comedian was astonished and asked, βWhat happened?β
βWell I wanted to stand my ground, ...but, um... bum kissedβ
"Opie, um..."
Me: What are you doing today? Dad: I was thinking of going to the weather bureau, they're having a convention of sorts. Me: Do you think that might be something (my two-year-old) would enjoy? Dad: Well it's a bunch of nerdy weather stuff, I'm afraid some of it would be over his head. Me: Well isn't all weather over his head?
They've got their own in-test tines.
Guy asks if any of us are Verne. Guy next to me says, "Depends- what kind of car is it? Depends on if it's an upgrade."
"What was the other reindeer's name?"
"Um, Dasher?"
No."
"Dancer?"
"No. Olive."
"Olive?"
"Yes! Olive, the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names."
I was very proud.
Question in study guide: The term evacuative proctography is also commonly called ____________.
Me studying alone: um, hmm....eeesh..not sure..idk. Oh wait, defacogram!
Also me, silently: canβt believe I just pulled that answer outta my ass
"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"
The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.
"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs.
Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help.
A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!"
The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup.
Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl.
He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey...I'm...Tom."
She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking..." she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?"
He glances back at the bar. "Yeah...sorry," he pants. "I wanted...to impress you, but...it turned out to be...a pretty cheesy...pig-cup line."
"Like a glove."
