Bear walks into a bar. Bartender says - β€œwhat’ll you have?” Bear says β€œI’ll have a beer......... and...................... um.............. a bourbon.” Bartender says β€œalright. Say what’s with the big pause?”

Bear says β€œoh these? I was born with em.”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...

tss

πŸ‘︎ 496
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πŸ‘€︎ u/demand404
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
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A man walks into a doctors office. β€œWhat seems to be the problem?” Asks the doc. β€œIt’s... um... well... i have five penises.” Replies the man. β€œBlimey!” Says the doctor, β€œhow do your trousers fit?” β€œLike a glove.”
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SvenTranslator
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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So, I was on the train the other day, and you know how it takes a while to get to the city, well my phone battery was flat and I didn't have a book, so I was a bit bored, but then I realised that there is all this cool graffiti on the tunnel walls... and um... so my phone was dead... and.. the city?

Oh darn it! I lost my train of thought.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tyrannosaur85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
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r/woodworking? Um yeah I sure hope it does. reddit.com/r/woodworking/…
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/melonwheel
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2019
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So a guy walks into a bar, and um....

He gets his drink. The bartender shouts, β€œthe wolves are coming!” They go to the cellar. The bartender says it’s ok now. The guy sees his drink is gone. He gets another one. The bartender says it again. And he is getting suspicious. When the drink is gone again, he gets mad. He gets another one. The bartender says, β€œthe wolves are coming!” The guy says he’s staying there. The bartender says,”you’like be sorry.” The guy says β€œyeah, right.” The wolves come in. They eat him. And theeeen they drink his drink.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NeonGreenTaxi56
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
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I was going to make a joke about drummers but, um,

tsss!

πŸ‘︎ 429
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brightwhiteboxes
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2017
🚨︎ report
Hubs: Mmm! This looks tasty! Me: Um, no. This looks...toasty.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2018
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Me: Was watching a film last night with that Sylvester, um...

Him: Stallone?

Me: No finished around 8

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kameshkii
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2018
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"Gee, I've always wanted to see the Milky Way Galaxy-" "Um, I can't go to the Milky Way Galaxy... I'm lactose intolerant."
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Princess_Ember
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2016
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My 12 year old daughter got me today. Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer was playing on the radio.

"What was the other reindeer's name?"

"Um, Dasher?"

No."

"Dancer?"

"No. Olive."

"Olive?"

"Yes! Olive, the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names."

I was very proud.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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I like to play this game with my daughter it's called "hide and seek."

She hides, and then I see how high I can count (out loud) before she gets annoyed and comes out to complain about the game.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aelbaum
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
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If a pun happens and no one is around to hear it, is it a pun at all?

Question in study guide: The term evacuative proctography is also commonly called ____________.

Me studying alone: um, hmm....eeesh..not sure..idk. Oh wait, defacogram!

Also me, silently: can’t believe I just pulled that answer outta my ass

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/seawoo10
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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My grandfather's in hospice, Dad asked him "how are you feeling?"

With my hands.

OG dad joker till the end. Love you Grandfather.

πŸ‘︎ 238
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KotWmike
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
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What to text when you're not going to be on time...

"I'm going to be β‚ˆ"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/errsta
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs.

Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help.

A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!"

The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup.

Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl.

He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey...I'm...Tom."

She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking..." she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?"

He glances back at the bar. "Yeah...sorry," he pants. "I wanted...to impress you, but...it turned out to be...a pretty cheesy...pig-cup line."

πŸ‘︎ 247
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A German built a swimming pool around his table.

Bad um Tisch

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/treenaks
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Better get that 60+ sonblock on, you never know
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UwaltzBigShock
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
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The best way to get dad joked:

I know it's been done before, and many a dad before me and many a dad after me will get to experience this, but in these dark times this was a ray of light that pierced me right to the core with joy.

I came home, and my bright and bubbly ballerina 6 year old runs up and says can I have a hug!?

She asks very tentatively because she knows I have been out all day and the routine is for me to grab a shower (COVID) before I let them get all over me.

So I say, not yet I'm dirty.

She says awww... then she turns to walk away, but then spins back around and looks at me dead in the eye and says:

Hi! um...

wait a sec,

um, I know um,

um, wait.... dir...

[Face beams the biggest smile of accomplishment]

Hi Dirty! I'm [daughter]!

I know we have those proud moments when they turn, but man her delivery, the awkwardness, and the sheer pride she beamed out when she realized she just pulled the reverse dad joke on me...

It's not the getting reverse dad'd, it's the joy and pride she had... she could have just graduated college, and that's how big her beaming smile was right then...

It's a memory I am going to keep and it really lit up this dark time.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leyline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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Say cheese
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ben306
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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A piece of rope walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender replies, "I'm sorry, but you're a rope. I can't serve you, and I'm not even sure how I could. Please leave."

A short time later, the rope comes back into the bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender, a bit annoyed at the situation, says, "Look, I told you I can't serve you. Just go away."

A few hours later, the rope comes back in again.

The bartender is getting mad now. "Look, I told you twice that I can't serve alcohol to a rope! Now get out and STAY OUT!"

Dejectedly, the rope leaves the bar and sits at the curb until a gentleman passes by. Suddenly, the piece of rope has an idea.

"Excuse me", says the rope, "but could you do me a favor?"

"Um... me?" says the puzzled gentleman. "Uh... I guess so..."

"Great! I just need you to tie a big ol' knot right in my middle."

"Well," says the gentleman. "I just so happens I was a former Eagle Scout. Here you go," and ties a perfect knot in the rope. "Will that be all?"

The rope pauses for a second and says, "Actually, could you pull apart my ends and unravel them for a bit?"

The gentleman obliges and goes on his merry way. The piece of rope, satisfied at its new appearance, heads back into the bar.

Furious, the bartender shouts, "HEY! Aren't you that same piece of rope I kicked out three times already?!?"

"No, I'm a frayed knot."

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/usernameshortage
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A German friend of mine actually installed a bath around his desk !?..

Bad um tisch..

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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A little boy came running up to me and said, "Please help, my dad is in a fight!"

I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, "Which one's your dad?!"

He replied, "I don't know, that's what they're fighting about."

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2018
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What did the knife say to the tuxedo?

Lookin sharp

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
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I was walking up the aisle at my local Home Depot and spotted a cranky looking old man in an orange vest.

β€œExcuse me, could you help me?” I asked.

He grunted in response, barely looking at me.

β€œUm, I’m looking for a way to keep my dogs in my backyard. Do you know where those electric leashes are? I’m trying to decide if I should try that or just block it off with a fence or something.”

He turned to face me and looked me up and down with disdain, β€œDo we look like a pet store?” And he turned around and walked away.

I took a fence.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kgold0
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife just got a breast reduction surgery done and the doctor slapped a couple pieces of paper across her nipples that had bandage removal tips...

They were post-tit notes.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timmyb55
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Which Spice Girl can Cary the most petrol

Geri can

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ultimate132
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you drive a cow?

Simple, you just steer.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeopardusMaximus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2019
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Baked beans and egg salad:

The original reason why motorcycles don't have doors.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
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Dad Jokes

Sometimes

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
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What do you call the third letter of the alphabet when it's invisible?

Transparency.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZorroMeansFox
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
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A godown that is godown can never godown.

Godown. God own. Go down.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sanketplus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
🚨︎ report
β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €

β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β € β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bepos_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Success isn't always valued

The gastrointestinal systems success is a complete human waste.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jc5120
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my sick girlfriend.

Girlfriend- Do you have any cold medicine? I really hope you do.

Me- I'm so sorry but I think all the medicine I have is room temperature.

Boom. Melted her face.

edit. Damn you swypos

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pattymcfatty
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2014
🚨︎ report
What's begins with T, ends with T, and has T in it?

A teapot.

(Edited:) Teapot

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
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What would Joe Mauer’s name be if he was a cat?

Joe Meower

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sam_e5
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad: I was just listening to the radio, a famous actress killed herself!

Mom: oh no! Who?

Dad: Um, I can remember! I think her name was Reese or something.

Mom: WHITHERSPOON?

Dad: No, it was with a knife.

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/funnychicka
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
🚨︎ report
There's a band called 1023MB...

They haven't hit any gigs yet.

πŸ‘︎ 263
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πŸ‘€︎ u/funbrand
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2015
🚨︎ report
Never be indecisive about drinking rum with a pirate.

He’ll give you an β€˜R’ before your β€˜um’

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad: Hey is that shirt felt?

Me: um no it's not. Dad: *proceed to touch my shirt. It is now!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
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Jeff has had only one dream ever in his life, to become a train conductor.

Jeff went to his local train station and begged for the job. He got a job, as a janitor. Every day he swept the train car floors. To make his job easier, he added certain style to his sweeping technique. He used a 3 level system for how powerful he wanted to sweep. He had a small sweep for small piles of dust. Medium sweeps for leftover chip bags and plactic bottles. And the Super Mega Large sweeps for when there were spider webs as big as the train.

Jeff was a master sweeper, so he got Promoted!.. To hobo kicking. Nowadays he comes to the train station early in the morning, finds the nearest hobo, and kicks him out. However, Jeff's legs hurt after several strong kicks, so he used his 3 level system in hobo kicking. He had a small kick for tiny, bite sized hobos. Medium kicks for your average sized hobo. And his Super Mega Powerful kick for 300 pound hobos.

Jeff was sooooo good at kicking hobos and he was Promoted!.. to coal shoveling. Jeff arrives 20 minutes before his train departure, loads up with the conductor, and shovels coal. likewise with his legs, Jeff's arms got tired after several large piles of shoveled coal, so he used his 3 level system to rest Jeff's weak arms. Jeff dumps small piles of coal in the incinerator to send the train at a slow pace. He dumps a Medium pile for a somewhat fast pace. But when the train station's 30 miles away and he's scheduled to arrive in 7 minutes, Jeff uses his Big Gargantuan Humongous shoveling strength to send the train at super sonic speed!

After all of Jeff's many years of working for this train station, they finally promote him to Train Conductor! Jeff shows up to work 30 minutes early on his first day, conducts the train for his first time ever, and crashes the train. He injures 30 and kills 13 more. Jeff is sentenced to Death.

The day of Jeff's execution, he's asked for his last meal. Jeff tells the guard that he wants a 13 foot stack of pancakes and a 40 ounce jug of green Kool-Aid. Jeff takes exactly 34 minutes to eat with it all. 26 Mintues later, Jeff is taken to the electric chair.

Jeff sits down in the electric chair, and is strapped in by a nearby guard. After all the safety precautions, they turn on the electric chair.

BZZZZZZ

Nothin happened. The guard is confused and Jeff is confused. The guard trys it again.

BZZZZZZ

Nothing. Jeff doesn't even move a muscle. The guard decides to let Jeff go since he can't kill him. Before Jeff leaves, the guard has one question.

Guard : "Excuse me um, J

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saspa314
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a doctors office. "What seems to be the problem'P" Asks the doc. um... well... I have five penises," replies the man. "Blimey!" Says the doctor "how do your trousers fit?"

"Like a glove."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Where does a mansplainer get his water from?

Um, well, actually

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FitsumAdmasu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
🚨︎ report

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