For my birthday my brother bought me an elephant for my room.
I said "Thanks." He said "Don't mention it."
My grandfather just walked into the room with a guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?”
My grandfather: That’s my hip replacement.
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling “I stepped on a Bee!”
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
Why did the 2 x 4 get sent to his room?
It was knotty! Hey YO!!!! (I really am sorry…)
How can a room full of married people be empty?
Because there's not a single person there
Ps. I wasn't invited either
A man wearing scrubs walks into the room of a woman about to give birth
A man wearing scrubs walks into the room of a woman about to give birth.
The woman asks: "Are you the nurse or the doctor?"
The man replies: "I'm the delivery guy."
What does a toxic person say when they leave the room?
Parents of reddit: you can't just waltz into your kid's room whenever you want!
At least make sure the song they're listening to is in triple time first.
I am at the waiting room of the doctor’s office, wondering when my girlfriend’s checkup will be over.
Sitting at the Doc of the Bae, wasting time.
If it weren't for the t.v. and refrigerator being in different rooms....
I'd never get any exercise.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
Came to the living room and found the TV screen was white.
"Who's watching Peace TV?"
I call my son’s room Lionel..
I just killed a massive spider crawling across the room with my shoe.
I don't care how big the spider is, nobody steals my shoe.
What do you call a battleship control room that covers a belly button?
A family is sitting at the dining room table having a nice family dinner, when suddenly...
One thing led to another, and the father and son get into a pretty heated argument.
The son stands up and storms off, headed to his room.
As he is going up the stairs, he yells down to his dad, "Jim Morrison is overrated!!!"
So, the dad screams back, "WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS?!?!?!"
When I was cleaning my room earlier I found book on anti-gravity...
I couldn't put it down.
As told by my son to my wife just now. The circle is complete.
2 cows are in an police interview room accused of stealing dairy equipment
One cow says, it was the udder one
I was painting my room with my brother....
....when I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Once I finally finished installing the thin wood flooring in my large living room, I thought to myself...
Mrs. Dracula, from the living room: "Count Dracula!"
Count Dracula, from the basement:"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6..."
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
I suspected my teenage son was sneaking food, but nothing prepared me for when I entered his room unannounced
What do you call a room full of ravens?
True story: I was visiting my wife in the hospital but the room didn't have a bed to lay down in so I laid down on the floor since I was tired. The nurse came in and asked "having a good time down there"?
I said "oh yeah. I'm just floored".
What's the safest room in the house during a zombie invasion?
After I dug into the details of a theoretical zombie crisis and the entrances and exits of our home, I settled on the master bedroom.
My son sighs and says, "the living room."
High five buddy, you got me.
What room do ghosts avoid?
A Man in a hotel has trouble finding his room, goes down to the front desk and asks ' Excuse me, can you tell me what room I'm in please ? '
Certainly Sir, said the receptionist...this is the Lobby.
Mom: *Sneezes in other room*
Son, with Dad: "Did I just hear mom sneeze?"
Dad: "...hear mom's knees what?"
My roommate keeps telling me why I keep the room at 90°
I keep telling him that it's "just right"
True story: As kids, my sister and I were fighting over the TV remote and it got heated. The remote flew across the room and a couple AAA batteries fell out. My sister threw one at me, and I grabbed a nearby salt shaker and threw it at her.
My mother, who was watching this go down, just laughs and says, "Assault and battery!"
She then left the room, cackling.
I saw another coworker using the mayonnaise with my name on it from the fridge in the break room.
I said to him, “What the Hellman?”
You are in a cold room without any blanket and Sweater what will you do?
Go to the corners because it's 90° there.
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people....
I just found a whip, mask and some handcuffs in my sisters room.
I just had no idea she was a superhero.
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
After I was arrested, my ex-wife decided to hang a picture of my mugshot on the wall in her living room.
But she still won't admit she framed me.
The nurse tells the doctor: "There's an invisible man in the waiting room."
The doctor replies: "Tell him I can't see him now."
The hottest place in a room is the corners.
The other day I decided to install a highly decorative wall plug in my living room.
I needed a creative outlet.
So last night my boyfriend left the bedroom door open to get more heat in the room because there are more heating vents in the hallway than in the bedroom. I said, "You might say it's eVENTful." He didn't laugh. So then I said, "You'll laugh eVENTually."
Me to son: Go pick up your room.
Son: I can’t.
Me: And why not?
Son: Because it’s too heavy!
Why did the pilot get sent to his room
A horse broke into my room while I was asleep.
I pine fir the good oak days, when it was poplar to spruce up the living room with a real tree.
Pun enters a room...
...and kills ten people.
Pun in, ten dead.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
I bought my friend an Elephant for her room...
She said "thanks". I said "don't mention it"
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
