For my birthday my brother bought me an elephant for my room.

I said "Thanks." He said "Don't mention it."

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BellaLugosisChips
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
🚨︎ report
My grandfather just walked into the room with a guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, β€œWho is this guy?”

My grandfather: That’s my hip replacement.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
🚨︎ report
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling β€œI stepped on a Bee!”

I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...

Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.

Apparently I had dropped one...

Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....

A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the 2 x 4 get sent to his room?

It was knotty! Hey YO!!!! (I really am sorry…)

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnymclargehuge
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2021
🚨︎ report
How can a room full of married people be empty?

Because there's not a single person there

Ps. I wasn't invited either

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2021
🚨︎ report
A man wearing scrubs walks into the room of a woman about to give birth

A man wearing scrubs walks into the room of a woman about to give birth.

The woman asks: "Are you the nurse or the doctor?"

The man replies: "I'm the delivery guy."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ai1267
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2021
🚨︎ report
What does a toxic person say when they leave the room?

Manipulator!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/abeds_tshirts
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Parents of reddit: you can't just waltz into your kid's room whenever you want!

At least make sure the song they're listening to is in triple time first.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I am at the waiting room of the doctor’s office, wondering when my girlfriend’s checkup will be over.

Sitting at the Doc of the Bae, wasting time.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2021
🚨︎ report
If it weren't for the t.v. and refrigerator being in different rooms....

I'd never get any exercise.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2021
🚨︎ report
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"A TOE TRUCK!!??"

πŸ‘︎ 262
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Came to the living room and found the TV screen was white.

"Who's watching Peace TV?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Emadthegreat
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2021
🚨︎ report
I call my son’s room Lionel..

Cos it’s messi

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/profusly
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I just killed a massive spider crawling across the room with my shoe.

I don't care how big the spider is, nobody steals my shoe.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a battleship control room that covers a belly button?

Naval Bridge.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emailthezac
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
🚨︎ report
A family is sitting at the dining room table having a nice family dinner, when suddenly...

One thing led to another, and the father and son get into a pretty heated argument.

The son stands up and storms off, headed to his room.

As he is going up the stairs, he yells down to his dad, "Jim Morrison is overrated!!!"

So, the dad screams back, "WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS?!?!?!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cosmocide
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
🚨︎ report
When I was cleaning my room earlier I found book on anti-gravity...

I couldn't put it down.

As told by my son to my wife just now. The circle is complete.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lazlowoodbine
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
🚨︎ report
2 cows are in an police interview room accused of stealing dairy equipment

One cow says, it was the udder one

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bonnieblack100
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I was painting my room with my brother....

....when I realised. He's not a very good brush.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Once I finally finished installing the thin wood flooring in my large living room, I thought to myself...

At lath.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Uncle-Zippers
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Mrs. Dracula, from the living room: "Count Dracula!"

Count Dracula, from the basement:"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6..."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phripheoniks
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
🚨︎ report
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.

It made it look a little more classy.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnrichmondman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
🚨︎ report
I suspected my teenage son was sneaking food, but nothing prepared me for when I entered his room unannounced

I caught him masticating

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fill-Chapo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a room full of ravens?

Crowded

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Breachx4002
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
🚨︎ report
True story: I was visiting my wife in the hospital but the room didn't have a bed to lay down in so I laid down on the floor since I was tired. The nurse came in and asked "having a good time down there"?

I said "oh yeah. I'm just floored".

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fireburner80
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
What's the safest room in the house during a zombie invasion?

After I dug into the details of a theoretical zombie crisis and the entrances and exits of our home, I settled on the master bedroom.

My son sighs and says, "the living room."

High five buddy, you got me.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ex_oh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
What room do ghosts avoid?

The living room!

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
A Man in a hotel has trouble finding his room, goes down to the front desk and asks ' Excuse me, can you tell me what room I'm in please ? '

Certainly Sir, said the receptionist...this is the Lobby.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Mom: *Sneezes in other room*

Son, with Dad: "Did I just hear mom sneeze?"

Dad: "...hear mom's knees what?"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigMartin58
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
🚨︎ report
My roommate keeps telling me why I keep the room at 90Β°

I keep telling him that it's "just right"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RashHD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
🚨︎ report
True story: As kids, my sister and I were fighting over the TV remote and it got heated. The remote flew across the room and a couple AAA batteries fell out. My sister threw one at me, and I grabbed a nearby salt shaker and threw it at her.

My mother, who was watching this go down, just laughs and says, "Assault and battery!"

She then left the room, cackling.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danieltkessler
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
🚨︎ report
I saw another coworker using the mayonnaise with my name on it from the fridge in the break room.

I said to him, β€œWhat the Hellman?”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ggfchl
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
You are in a cold room without any blanket and Sweater what will you do?

Go to the corners because it's 90Β° there.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Harshgamer3113
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people....

Pun in, 10 dead.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I just found a whip, mask and some handcuffs in my sisters room.

I just had no idea she was a superhero.

πŸ‘︎ 202
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, β€œDad get out of the way!”

I said, β€œYou’re the ones blocking!”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Colbosky
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
After I was arrested, my ex-wife decided to hang a picture of my mugshot on the wall in her living room.

But she still won't admit she framed me.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DestroyatronMk8
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
The nurse tells the doctor: "There's an invisible man in the waiting room."

The doctor replies: "Tell him I can't see him now."

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_L_v_e_S
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
The hottest place in a room is the corners.

It's 90Β°.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chihiro_yoru
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
The other day I decided to install a highly decorative wall plug in my living room.

I needed a creative outlet.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shu-di
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
So last night my boyfriend left the bedroom door open to get more heat in the room because there are more heating vents in the hallway than in the bedroom. I said, "You might say it's eVENTful." He didn't laugh. So then I said, "You'll laugh eVENTually."
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lovina9
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Me to son: Go pick up your room.

Son: I can’t.

Me: And why not?

Son: Because it’s too heavy!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yrnspnnr
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the pilot get sent to his room

Bad altitude

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joe_mama_89
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
A horse broke into my room while I was asleep.

It was a nightmare.

πŸ‘︎ 124
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WinterWolf041
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I pine fir the good oak days, when it was poplar to spruce up the living room with a real tree.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/und88
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Pun enters a room...

...and kills ten people.

Pun in, ten dead.

πŸ‘︎ 69
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AnInsecureMind
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

πŸ‘︎ 18k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought my friend an Elephant for her room...

She said "thanks". I said "don't mention it"

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/studentadvisor101
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

πŸ‘︎ 173
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report

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