I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?
Nothing, it's on the house.
A blonde goes into a church and asks the minister, "How much does it cost to rent a church singing group?"He said,"Do you mean a choir?"
She said "Fine... How much does it cost to acquire a church singing group?"
This is how you make neon geen.
Funny how in the past everyone owned horses and only the rich owned cars, and now everyone has cars and only the rich have horses...
My how the stables have turned.
Edit: Wow guys, thanks for all the love!
How does a military dad alert his son that a hot lady is nearby?
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux
How much does a chimney cost?
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
How do trees get on a computer?
They just log in. My 7yr old daughter just told me this, so proud!
My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied back: “Sure, my door is always open.”
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
How can I get someone to hang out with me, laugh at each other’s jokes, and maybe share some fun platonic experiences together throughout our lives?
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles!
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
How does James Bond’s doorbell introduce itself?
How can you prove that the "I" before "E" except after "C" doesn't always apply ?
How do you turn six into nine?
How can there be a national coin shortage?
Here's a step-by-step guide on how to fall down stairs!
Step 28
Step 27
Step 24
Step 21
Step 16
Step 12
Step 7
Step 3
Step 1
How do you steal a sweater?
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
Edit: Wow! Went to bed, went to work, checked this post, and holy hell did it blow up! Thanks for the awards, funny add-one and dad jokes! This sub is awesome!
How do Mexicans decide who gets promoted?
Rudolph the red and his wife were on a stroll. Rudolph the red looked up at the sky and said "we should hurry up, there is a storm comming". So his wife asked "how do u know" and he replied...
"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"
How do pirates like their women?
How did the dinosaur get clean?
How does a baby look something up?
They "Goo Goo" it.
[This joke provided courtesy of my seven-year old.]
How did the hamburger introduce his girlfriend?
How was Rome split in two?
I couldn't figure out how to fasten my seatbelt...
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it...
How did the Nazis get their money?
How do you kill a BLUE elephant?
Shoot it with a BLUE elephant gun.
How do you kill a PINK elephant?
.
.
.
.
Hold it's nose until it turns blue then shoot it with a BLUE elephant gun.
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are locked in battle, and Vader says to Luke, "I know what you're getting for Christmas." Luke says, "No, that's impossible, how could that be?" Vader leans in closer, their lightsabers crackling under the pressure, and he replies...
How does Jesus make his Coffee?
My wife came back from the store complaining about how the lady at the register was a total bitch.
I asked her if she was at self check out. Looks like I'm sleeping on the couch.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
How does Judy from Zootopia stay in shape?
She does a lot of hare-obics!
I served Elton John a boiled egg the other day. I asked him how it was, and he said....
"It's a little bit runny".
Jack: How’s it going? Beans: Pretty good
I'm getting bored of hearing these Olympic athletes say .. 'how much work they've put in and the sacrifices they've made.'
What do they want a medal?
How do witches stay in shape?
Don’t know how to properly share with this but I have included the name of the original, most people didn’t get it(third line)
I Can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman Numerals
Pirate gets his ears pierced. How much did it cost.
How do German breads greet eachother?
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?
Nothing. It’s on the house!
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?
Nothing, it’s on the house
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker got for Christmas?
He had felt his presents....
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