Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are locked in battle, and Vader says to Luke, "I know what you're getting for Christmas." Luke says, "No, that's impossible, how could that be?" Vader leans in closer, their lightsabers crackling under the pressure, and he replies...
He was sentenced to drinking spruce tea or leaving for 6 months because he was teaching the youth how to be passive-aggressive. His disciple Playdoh wrote half a screenplay about him before giving up and finding a real job.
Dolphin son: Dad, how did you and mom know that you guys are meant to be together?
Dolphin Dad: When we first met,.....we just clicked.
Imagine how stressful it would be to be a ski.
I mean, there’s so much pressure on you all the time.s
I went to the store to buy a french loaf and the clerk asked me "how do you want this to be put away?"
How do you know you're about to be ambushed by a crowe?
You'll hear a Russell in the bushes.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
I go to the store and buy 2 eggs, a loaf of bread, and some milk. The cashier says “you must be single” and I respond with “how did you know?”
She responded, “ because you are ugly!”
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
How did the grape get to be so wise?
Proud dad moment. Joke from my soon to be 6 year old daughter. “How did the bee get to school?”
“On the buzzzzz.” So proud.
Cars rip by at 200mph, so how fast do you have to be a NASCAR cameraman?
My wife has just gave birth at the hospital. I pulled the doctor away for a minute and asked "how soon do you think we will be able to have sex?"
He thought about it for a bit and said "I am off-duty in 10mins, meet me in the car park"
What do you call a child trying to learn how to be an adult
Adult lessons (adolescence)
I wood like to know how this joke came to be
My cousin is an aspiring plumber. He asked me how to be successful.
"Hard work and defecation."
Math can be so hard sometimes. The problem was, "Sally had 32 pennies. She gave 32 pennies away to her friend Robin. How many pennies does Sally have left?"
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood!!
I come from a long line of fathers...
No matter how hard I study farming and angles, I’m doomed to be an amateur.
I’ll never be a protractor.
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
A man walks into a doctors office. “What seems to be the problem?” Asks the doc. “It’s... um... well... i have five penises.” Replies the man. “Blimey!” Says the doctor, “how do your trousers fit?” “Like a glove.”
How can we be expected to manage universal healthcare when we obviously haven't even figured out
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?"
I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"
How do you get a cow to be quiet?
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
How can you be sure you’ll always be able to find a seat in Star Wars church?
Because of all the pew-pew-pews!
A deaf person showed me how to be attentive.
Glass urns coming to the market now. How well they will sell? Remains to be seen.
From the 2020 SAT, geometry section: A farmer is welding parts in his barn. He wants to cut four bars of equal length from two lengths of iron rebar measuring 16 feet, 8 inches and 5 feet, 10 inches. How much material will be discarded? Bonus: where will the rebar, once welded, go for a good time?
How did the apple know he was ready to be put into the pie?
How To Be Cool:
A) Cool Sunglasses Emoji
B)
If you could learn how to say one phrase in every language what would it be?
“I’m sorry, I didn’t vote for him”
I asked my chef friend how hard it would be to make a stir-fry in a meadow?
He said it was just a wok in the park
My son wanted to know how he could be sure that I'm his dad, so I told him that I'm not.
"After you we're born you pooped your diaper so I changed you."
How would you like your eggs to be done?
As a woman I consider myself to be wife material. You know how much you have to pay per yard for wife material? About a house and a yard!
How long will it take for Rammstein's new album to be released?
'Till Lindemann has finished the lyrics.
Explanation: Till Lindemann is the vocalist of the band, they usually have lyrics in their songs so they will have to be finished to be included in the album.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
Before I became a dad, I was truly concerned that I wouldn't know how to be a good father
Thankfully, turns out it's in my blood. I come from a long line of Fathers.
A man walks into a doctors office. "What seems to be the problem'P" Asks the doc. um... well... I have five penises," replies the man. "Blimey!" Says the doctor "how do your trousers fit?"
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