Pirate Ship Captain: I am desperate. Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?
How many mexicans does it need to change a light bulb ?
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?
Nothing, it's on the house.
A blonde goes into a church and asks the minister, "How much does it cost to rent a church singing group?"He said,"Do you mean a choir?"
She said "Fine... How much does it cost to acquire a church singing group?"
How do ghost listen to music?
If anyone has a suggestion on how to reverse the spell that turned me into corn...
Why it’s hard to teach Aussie’s how to play chess?
Because they think every check is check mate
My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied back: “Sure, my door is always open.”
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
Want to know how dead you are ?
Just put a % sign after your age.
How can I get someone to hang out with me, laugh at each other’s jokes, and maybe share some fun platonic experiences together throughout our lives?
How many tickles does it take to make an Octopus laugh?
No-one laughs when I respond to "How was the gym?" with
"Heavy."
It's like my jokes carry no weight.
I forgot how to throw a boomerang
but then it came back to me
Here's a step-by-step guide on how to fall down stairs!
Step 28
Step 27
Step 24
Step 21
Step 16
Step 12
Step 7
Step 3
Step 1
When I first started learning how to drive, I used to be afraid of speed bumps.
But slowly, I got over it.
How long does it take a cow to have a baby?
I havent read a book in ages. So i decided to start with a book of how clocks work.
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Person to my dad “How long have you been married?”
Dad: “10 of the happiest years of my life”
(They’ve been married 43 years)
How to Castrate a Bull, in Limerick Form
I've two bulls who just love to fight //
they simply cannot be polite //
Just one needs to breed //
and so I'll proceed //
to castrate the weak one tonight
The procedure is safe, I insist //
if we make the blood flow desist //
to make bleeding halt //
do the "ball somersault" //
and give that whole sack a huge twist
To do this requires no skill //
I'll just need a quite large power-drill //
and a specialized clamp //
to hold on to that champ //
then turn it on fast- what a thrill!
It is clear this device should appeal //
to those who need bulls with less zeal //
I shall name this device //
with a drill and a vise //
the most perfect of names: "Steering Wheel!"
How many golfers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I got a bunch of crows together and tried to teach them how to sing
But it just resulted in a cacawphony
How did you get to Tehran so fast?
My son learned how to drive at 13
I think he's really going places
How can you be sure you want to buy a particular style of stool?
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
How much does it cost to get your ears pierced in Tampa Bay?
A Buccaneer
Good win for them tonight.
Using only the letters L H U T S E, how do you tell an investigator to hurry up?
I couldn't figure out how to fasten my seatbelt...
I tried to learn how to ride a unicycle today
I just couldn't get a handle on it
How do you get a squirrel to like you ?
I just bought a new treadmill today and I’m not sure how to process this monumental purchase.
I guess I’ll take it one step at a time.
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are locked in battle, and Vader says to Luke, "I know what you're getting for Christmas." Luke says, "No, that's impossible, how could that be?" Vader leans in closer, their lightsabers crackling under the pressure, and he replies...
I ordered a self help tape called, "How to handle disappointment."...
When the package came....the box was empty.
Wanna know how I welcome birds to my home?
So yall know how people used wooden dentures in the 19th century? I wonder if women ever tried or thought of using the same idea to increase boob size.
That would be something, now wooden tit?
My buddy Linux would always lead the lineup with a bunt and steal second shortly after. And no matter how bad I wanted to swing for the fences, if the batter before me didn't make first; coach would turn to me and say......
Don’t know how to properly share with this but I have included the name of the original, most people didn’t get it(third line)
How does a snowman get to work?
I Can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman Numerals
Doctor: "How strange, your DNA is back to front."
If anyone has a suggestion on how to reverse the spell that turned me into corn...
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?
Nothing. It’s on the house!
How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh?
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?
Nothing, it’s on the house
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