Please root for my girlfriend's pun.
I ended things with my communist girlfriend.
My girlfriend is a square root of -100
Perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
Whenever my artistic girlfriend is sad, I let her draw things on my body....
I gave her a shoulder to crayon.
My girlfriend totally changed when she became a vegan
It's like I never knew herbivore.
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took
My cavewoman girlfriend dumped me.
I should have seen the writing on the wall.
My girlfriend said :- You got vasectomy without even telling me . Are you serious ?
I said :- I am not kidding you
My girlfriend from college was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she’s up to now.
I got a girlfriend by pretending that I play football. My friends don't think it's going to last but I don't worry.
She thinks that I'm a keeper.
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her.
so I said, ‘Alright, fatty.
Sad news fellas, I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine. She found out I was seeing another girl, Claire Lee. Good news though, I can see Claire Lee now, Lorraine is gone.
I gave a couple of almonds to my girlfriend. I told her "I call this a Jessica."
She looked at me and asked why I called it a "Jessica".
I told her because it's two almonds.
You might even say.....
Almond Brothers.
(This literally just happened. She rolled her eyes so hard they twitched some.)
I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine. "Yes! Oh, yes!" she shouted, eyes filling with tears. "Great!" I said.
"Now take this pick and go find me some gold!"
What did the pirate call his girlfriend at the dock?
Not sure if my girlfriend knows any geography ...
My girlfriend says if we don’t get married soon, she’s gonna kill me.
...it’s a matter of wife or death.
My girlfriend said she wanted a romantic getaway.
She's quite a specific bank robber.
My girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't support Trump.
My dad found out that I had an imaginary girlfriend....
Dad: "You can do so much better, you know!!"
Me: "Thanks dad. That means so much to me."
Dad: "I was talking to her."
I told my girlfriend I was making a car out of spaghetti.
She told me to grow up and stop being an idiot. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.
I proposed to my girlfriend, who is the VP of marketing at her company.
What's something you should never say to a blind girlfriend?
I think we should see other people.
My son proposed to his girlfriend while they were at the gym and she said no...
I guess they didn't work out!
Was watching Arrested Development the other day and my girlfriend made a groaner of a dad joke.
Lucille: “I have to get Dusty ice cream.”
GF: “Dusty ice cream doesn’t sound very good”
What's the difference between a rock thrown at you and a crazy girlfriend?
It doesn't hurt when the rock misses you.
I bought an imitation diamond engagement ring to propose to my Irish girlfriend on St Patrick's day. I just hope she doesn't notice..
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole a wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
Who is Superman's shortest girlfriend?
What did the tree say to his tree girlfriend
I wood do anything for you
Robert's girlfriend dumped him. He's feeling very discombobulated.
What did Casey Jones girlfriend say after she kissed Donatello
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
I like to meet my girlfriend at 12:59
It's important to get that one-to-one time.
My new girlfriend and I are both really into fitness, and I've got a really good feeling about us.
I just know we're going to workout.
My girlfriend's walked out on me, saying she's sick to death of my healthy, but boring diet.
Never mind though, plenty more fish in the freezer.
My Vegan girlfriend left me over the meal I cooked last night.
What can I say? M'steaks were made.
My Girlfriend told me I’m a very opinionated person.
I said “Well I think you’re wrong about that.”
So I brought my girlfriend home to meet my parents. She looks like my mum, sounds like my mum, even dresses like my mum..
Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot in my life has changed....
Like, my name, phone number, and address
My wife is angry. Last night for my anniversary, I left the kids, snuck out with my ex-girlfriend, and we hooked up in the back seat like we used to.
She hates when I call her that.
My girlfriend broke up with me after I called her a ginger.
She’s been waiting years for red head redemption.
My girlfriend asked if we could have an old movie night and watch “Gaslight”
I told her “we already watched that together, don’t you remember?”
I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist.
I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my girlfriend some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
My girlfriend and I were just touring the farmer’s market - she said one of the tables had some red hot chilli peppers, and asked if I wanted some.
I said, only if they’re givin’ ‘em away, givin’ ‘em away, givin’ ‘em away now.
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