The other other monster replied "be a gentleman, roll them back to her."
Aaa..me go Doubling down to the City.
Iiiiiiit's Ben
I interjected and told her he seemed self-absorbed.
And she said; "there's really not that much of a difference, i just eat out a lot more"
She said: "I need to find a necklace to tie these shoes together"
Me: "You should really use the laces for that"
BACKGROUND: Strokes can cause communication disorders, such as aphasia. This gem happened the other day.
Her (discussing beer with client): You like darker beers? I respect them but I prefer lighter ones like Spotted Cow.
Client 1: Different strokes for different folks, I suppose.
Client 2: Literally
So we went out and got some ice cream and I drove. My car desperately needed to be washed and she noticed "Your car needs a bath. There's bird poop all over it" -her "Yea, it's a real shitty situation" -me Groans and eye rolls ensued
Ra ra ah ah ah, ro ma ro ma ma, ga ga ooh la la, want yo bad romance.
In case this is your first time here (I haven't posted in a while), I find jokes here and elsewhere on the internet (and now my friends have started sending me jokes), and I text them to my daughter. I then capture her reactions for those sweet, sweet internet points.
Thanks very much to the original joke submitters. You dads are alright. If you missed any of the previous episodes:
EDIT: Since this is blowing up, I may as well mention that the young lady in question just passed her driver's license test this morning! Everyone congratulate her!
Also, thanks for the gold.
So two hunters are doing their jobs and suddenly, one of them gets mauled by a bear. The other hunter calls 911 and says, "Hey! You need to come over quickly! My friend is being mauled by a bear! Actually, I think he might be dead!" And so the lady said "Alright, but can you make sure he's dead?" Through the phone, the lady heard a *POW* and the hunter said, "Okay, so now what?"
She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to make her final preparations to move to Switzerland.
When she arrived back home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a “W.C.” in the room or even down the hall. (A W.C. is short for “water closet” and is what the English call a toilet.) So she immediately emailed the pastor to ask him where the “W.C.” is located.
The Swiss pastor had never heard of a “W.C.,” and so he Googled the abbreviation and found an article titled “Wayside Chapels.” Thinking that the English lady was asking about a country church to attend near her new home, the pastor responded as follows:
Ms. Smith,
I look forward to your move. Regarding your question about the location of the W.C., the closest W.C. is situated only two miles from the room you have rented, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. The W.C. has a maximum occupancy of 229 people, but not that many people usually go on weekdays. I suggest you plan to go on Thursday evenings when there is a sing-along. The acoustics are remarkable and the happy sounds of so many people echo throughout the W.C.
Sunday mornings are extremely crowded. The locals tend to arrive early and many bring their lunches to make a day of it. Those who arrive just in time can usually be squeezed into the W.C. before things start, but not always. Best to go early if you can!
It may interest you to know that my own daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I remember how everyone crowded in to sit close to the bride and groom. There were two people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one, but our friends and family were happy to share. I will admit that my wife and I felt particularly relieved when it was over. We were truly wiped out.
Because of my responsibilities in town, I can’t go as often as I used to. In fact, I haven’t been in well over a year. I can tell you I really miss regularly going to the W.C. Let’s plan on going together for your first visit. I can reserve us seats where you will be seen by all.
Sincerely,
Pastor Kurt Meier
Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
“Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
“I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”
Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
“My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”
“Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”
I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.
If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”
I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.
“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”
“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
“How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”
Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it
“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”
The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.
I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”
I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
... keep reading on reddit ➡I've been making at least a pun a day for the last week for a new friend, last name Purdy, and I'm starting to run out. I've used: -You're doing Purdy good -Ok Purdy lady -Purdgatory -ImPurdinent -Purdhaps and a few more
I don't want to run out! Help!
At a restaurant, waitress comes to take our order...
Friend: Yeah, can I have the quesadilla? But I'm not that hungry, is there anyway I can have just one 'dilla' and not the whole case?
I preceded to laugh uncontrollably. The ladies contemplated leaving.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house? The whole vibe was anything ghost (goes).
How do you write a book about halloween? With a ghostwriter.
I’m going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always do… by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely,
Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?” The other monster replied, “Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.
The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you’re not will lead to a sweet reward.
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it’s Election night.
I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I’m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.
Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party? Becuse he had no body to go with.
What did the bird say on Halloween? Trick or tweet!
What do Italian’s eat on Halloween? Fettucinni Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)
Why can’t the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!
What do ghosts eat for supper? Spooketi
What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope it’s Halloween!!
What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? Spelling.
So a few of my friends and I were exploring a new city and decided to get some frozen yogurt. As we're sitting outside the shop eating our FroYo, a lady comes up and asks,
"how is the frozen yogurt here?"
My friends reply with, "it's good, not great though."
So I responded with, "yeah, it's just mediYogurt."
When asked by my kid's friend what the difference between type 1 and 2 diabetes is, I said, "Type 2 diabetes is developed later in life. Type one is like Lady Gaga."
a reply of blank stare for a moment, then he said, "Lady Gaga is diabetic?"
My reply: "No. for type one diabetes, you are born this way"
Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.
Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":
- Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
- It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
- What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
- Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
- Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
- Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
- If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
- Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
- Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
- American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
- The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
- Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
- Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
- Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
- Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
- Rittal me this, Batman!
- Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
- Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
- If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
- When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
- You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
- Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
- Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
- Don't think Seton is
So in my calculus class last year in math, there were these two Chinese twins. Ving, and Ling. Ving was always super cool with me. In exchange for answers (he was super smart) I would hang out with him and be his friend and stuff. After I cheated off of him and studied with him though, I did get to be his friend and we got very close.
His sister, Ling, was always uptight about school and she made sure to study, she got stressed about a B, etc. One day I was hanging out with Ving, and we started talking about names. He went off on this huge rant about how he hated his, and how he wanted to change it to something more Asian-American, like Lee. I told him that the Courthouse downtown had a form that you could fill to legally change it. He told me: "I always give you answers. If you could just drive me down to the courthouse this one time, I will never forget you. I just hate this god-forsaken Chinese name and I want to get rid of it forever."
He seemed pretty adamant about it, so I decided the best decision would be to take him. We walked out to my car, and right as I put the keys in the ignition Ling came running and tapped on the car door like a madman. I rolled it down and she started freaking out about how Ving's name had been passed down through generations and generations, but Ving didn't care. He just wanted to go down to the Courthouse and get it over with.
Ling figured that coming with would be the best idea, so if anything else came up that she would be needed for, she would be there for Ving. Honestly, I felt stuck in the middle of a family feud, so I just took her along. When we got to the Courthouse, Ving confidently walked up to the front desk and asked the receptionist if he could change his name. She gave him a little packet of paper and told him to sit down. Ling and I waited patiently while Ving filled out his info. I was watching him fill it out and I noticed he really did want to change his name to Lee.
Before he finished, though, he started tearing up. He told me he couldn't change his name. He asked the lady at the front that he couldn't do it, and she told him he would need twenty dollars to cancel the request. Ling was so relieved and happy that he changed his mind, she dug through her purse, found the money, and started to hand it to the receptionist.
It was at this moment that the most stereotypical Asian man burst through the doors. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, a visor, American flag shorts, flip flops, everything. This
... keep reading on reddit ➡Told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
^You ^know ^what's ^coming.
I asked if she was a saxy lady.
My friends and I just entered the ACL (Austin City Limits) festival, which it's basically a HUGE music festival. While we're walking, a stage is playing a song by the Beatles to which my girlfriend jokingly says, "Oh, I didn't know the Beatles were playing today!" I reply with, "It's part of their Lazarus Project!" Then a lady in front of us turns and says, "Niiiiice."
It was sometime last year that my girlfriend at the time and I were walking on a local public trail with her German Shepherd. She had always been very adamant about my jokes having a "dadness" to them but I always brushed it off until this day.
As we're walking, a lady and her two kids go to pass us going the other way on a narrow part of the trail and I say:
"Don't worry, she's friendly...(smirk level at maximum)...oh and the dog is too."
My girlfriend facepalms and the lady chuckles and says, "It's like we brought your father with us, huh kids?"
Girlfriend enthusiastically says, "See! Not funny dad jokes!"
From that day on I acknowledged my dad jokes as what they are but to this day I refuse to believe they aren't funny. And I guess that's my introductory post to this subreddit.
When I was a kid, and my parents would drive me somewhere, we often had to take a road that had a bunch of brothels by the side. It's not a dirty neighbourhood or anything, just a fairly busy street between two cities. One time, my dad slowed down, and started waving at the ladies in the brothels.
I saw him waving and tried to see what he was waving at. "Look son, all these ladies know me", he said. And indeed, all these barely clothed ladies standing in these houses with flashy lights were waving right back at him. I was completely in aww of him! When I asked him who those ladies were he wouldn't answer, he'd only say: "oh, just good friends". He did that the next couple of times we passed that road and it took me a few years to figure out what was going on.
Context: Getting a massage from my lady friend last night. I had a pretty rough knot in my shoulder.
Her: "I can't get this knot out where did it come from?"
Me: "I must have been naughty [knotty]" I started laughing.
"What did you say?"
"Nothing, it was a terrible joke."
5 minutes later: "Seriously, this knot wasn't there last week why is it so hard to get out?"
"I must have been really naughty"
I got a groan that time, confirming she heard it. "Was that the joke you said 5 minutes ago?" Yes. Yes it was.
My brother turned 16 today, and for a party he invited 5 of his lady friends. One of them have him a set of Disney Princess bandaids. My wife and my brother are both big fans of the movie "Frozen"and my wife had something to say.
Brother: Look at these cool bandages! Wife: But they aren't Frozen bandages. Brother: Well I guess... Me: He can just put them in the freezer.
The entire party just rolled their eyes at me.
The checkout lady started wrapping the two coffee cups that my friend and his fiancé were buying and said
"Now be careful with these, because I'm not good at wrapping." To which the dad said
"It's easy!" And began beat boxing.
Not technically rapping, but still made me cry.
My lady friend and I were on the phone and it's that time of month for her. So I was making jokes about periods ("Menstrual jokes aren't funny. Period.") and she told me to stop. So she eventually gets to asking me about how our school schedule works.
"We're on block schedule."
"Oh. So you guys don't have periods?"
"No, but you do."
I died.
Said my friend who's a lady.
> Me: Clearing my day-planner for next Saturday night now...
> Friend: Shouldn't you be clearing your night-planner?
<Insert Groaning>
Walking out of a cafe behind my lady friend. She tells me to close the door behind me after reading a sign requesting so. I'm already out the door and past the point of no return. The door is ever so slightly cracked open. "Eh, closed enough."
Then I shout laughed to make sure she got it.
Friend of mine were browsing though a computer store one day when the nice sales lady came up to us and asked if there was anything she could help us with. My friend looks her dead in the eyes and said "I'm hearing voices from time to time, telling me to do things I don't want to do..... but that's not really your field of concern" Then he went on to ask about the laptop we were looking at without skipping a beat. The look on her face was priceless.
...and I was telling him about how my friend's grandma pronounced WIFI like "wifee"
Then I did an impersonation of her
"oh Laurence, could ya come over and fix my wifee? My wifee isn't working."
To which he responded "lady, I don't think your wifee has been workin' for a while now."
Heh.
Texting a lady friend of mine:
(me not replying)
Her: or not.
Me: Sorry (pet name) I was setting up my new phone.
Her: Set up faster
Her: I like when you call me that.
Me: That's what I always tell my epoxy. .........
Her: What
Her: What's epoxy?
Me: nevermind.
So we were playing cards against humanity having beers and eating pizza when a piece of uneaten pizza crust flys across the room and lands in one of my lady friends lap.
So then her friend said to her "hey you might want to clean out your crotch, it's getting a little crusty."
So I was in line at my college's sandwich shop. The man behind me was one of the workers in the school's small post office, and also happens to be my friend's dad. He laid down a pretty good dad joke.
Sandwich lady: Next? What kind of bread can I get for you? Me: Hi, thank you, I'll have a white wrap. Him: Oh, I'll give you a white rap, "Yo, yo, yo, beatbox noises"
