New Girlfriend Puns

She found out I was seeing another girl, Claire Lee. Good news though, I can see Claire Lee now, Loraine is gone

ripped off

Bangor?

Well, yes I did actually.

More on this after the break.

She’s my univ-ursula 🪐✨

I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.

I have some breaking news for her.

She asked what had happened to it,

I told her the box had a leek in it.

She said, “Let’s sleep on it.”

“No, but he wants to be!"

But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided: if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.

It just really isn’t working out

I think she’s a keeper.

I'm starting to see less and less of her

Last night we finally had sex. She was a consummate professional.

As we paid the clerk asked if we would like a large bag for it. I instantly responded with "oh. I thought these new vacuums are bagless?".

Massive sigh from my girlfriend and not even a chuckle from the attendant.

I replied, "Notable."

"It's quite a spectacle"

I said 'be careful, she might leave you.'

He did not get it at first, so I had to repeat myself a couple of times...but I would have done that anyway.

How do you sell a deaf man a chicken?

Leans in close, takes a deep breath and screams at the top of his lungs:

WANNA BUY A CHICKEN?!?!?

I picked up the fork and said "wanna fork?" She then picked up a napkin and said "it's napkina happen."

Her X always comes first and She doesn’t know y.

Ugg!

I guess he's Polly amorous...

I think she's a keeper.

The Bermuda Triangle has swallowed fewer seamen.

She just showed too many red flags

He wasn't lying when he said she's a brew net.

They are lack-toes intolerant

Yeah.. she‘s a keeper

Good news: He pooped the question the next morning.

....."Anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.

I told him "Urine for a real treat then."

So me and the girlfriend are sitting in bed talking about sighing.

Her: "What are you, an expert on sighing?"

Me: "Why yes, Im a Sigh-entologist."

I told her I would have to sleep on it. What have I become.

Dad: oh good. i know how you love dogs. what kind of dog does she have? what's its name?

Me: idk if she even has a dog

Dad: well she must have a seeing eye dog

Every time me or one of my friends ever got a girlfriend he busted it out without hesitation. every.single.time.

Girlfriend: "What's your genealogy? What's in you?" My Mom: "Mostly British and French, some Danish and Polish, and..." My Dad: "...And sometimes a little Norwegian."

Me: "So, with the new diet do you have to believe everything people tell you now?"

Girlfriend: "What?"

Me: "Well, you can't take anything with a grain of salt anymore."

Me: "$4000?"

Her: "Higher."

Me: "$5000?"

Her: points up

Me: "$8000?"

Her: "No, the one above $5000."

Me: "$5001?!"

"This is my dad Roger," he said, "And this is my twin brother Dave."

"Nice to meet you," she smiled. "Who's the eldest?"

He answered with a smile, "My dad!"

I told her it's growing on me.

It was my second time watching it and only her first, so I had had some time to ponder possible puns to make. So when BB8 was introduced, I put my arm around her, leaned in to her ear, and said "Hey baby, that robot is cool and all, but it's only a BB8. I think you're a BB10."

She sighed, pulled my arm off of her, and scooted a seat away from me.

"Well, you better watch out for Destiny's Child then"...

He thinks he's hilarious, I just groan at him.

She's a keeper.

She's a keeper