The New Girlfriend Puns

So, I took her to the planetarium.

But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided: if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.

I replied, "Notable."

Her X always comes first and She doesn’t know y.

Good news: He pooped the question the next morning.

Girlfriend: "What's your genealogy? What's in you?" My Mom: "Mostly British and French, some Danish and Polish, and..." My Dad: "...And sometimes a little Norwegian."

It was my second time watching it and only her first, so I had had some time to ponder possible puns to make. So when BB8 was introduced, I put my arm around her, leaned in to her ear, and said "Hey baby, that robot is cool and all, but it's only a BB8. I think you're a BB10."

She sighed, pulled my arm off of her, and scooted a seat away from me.

She goes in for the New Year's kiss.

"Wow I don't usually kiss on the first date, but OK!" I get a minor groan.

After the kiss, "Wow that was totally worth it, that was the best kiss I've had all year!"

she pushes me away and we watch the rest of the fireworks in silence. Totally worth it.

My girlfriend and I opened a new pack of pre-sliced cheese. As we’re munching, I hold my mouth in pain and say “Ow!” She asked what was wrong and I said, “Well no wonder my mouth hurts, the package says this is extra sharp cheddar.” She was not amused

Go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind.

Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Dad'.

With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad.

She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.

She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.

I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home!"

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

As we paid the clerk asked if we would like a large bag for it. I instantly responded with "oh. I thought these new vacuums are bagless?".

Massive sigh from my girlfriend and not even a chuckle from the attendant.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

“Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

“I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

“My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

“Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

“How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

So my girlfriend and I are both in college and I'm at her dorm waiting for her to get ready for class. She takes off her glasses and starts looking through her drawer when she says "Aw why did I do this to myself? I ran out of contacts"

I go "Babe, if it's more friends that you need, we can go out tonight and meet new people"

After the usual eye roll she goes "No I wanna see"

To which I reply, "Why would you want a C? I'm shooting for at least a B or an A in all of my classes"

That was probably the heaviest sigh I've ever heard from her

While standing at the register of a New Orleans Hamburger & Seafood Co, the lady taking our order asked what we would like to drink. My girlfriend responds "I want some barq's!" To which I promptly replied, "woof, woof, WOOF!" 0 laughs or smiles and I could feel the air around me thicken with dad joke cringe. Fuck it, I loved it.

My personal favorite is: "Hey did you hear about the guy who got his whole left side cut off?" "Oh, don't worry. He's all right now."

It lets you add a lot of different flare, especially if you're looking at your phone and you make it sound like a news story or something.

So what's your favorite dad joke?

EDIT: Thank you everyone, I've gotten a good chuckle out of all of these! It's been a rough couple of days, but these all cheered me up. I'm going to be recycling them... My girlfriend eyes are gonna be rolling overtime tonight. I'd feel sorry, but my girlfriend probably doesn't want me feeling anyone but her.

As a new(ish) dad I feel it's my duty to really bring all the dad jokes to the yard. Lately it's been coming a bit more naturally.

The Girlfriend and I were sitting on the couch and she was talking about how much she loved all the prizes and gifts that Ellen is always giving out on her show.

My response: "I heard she is going to stop giving things away, so she's changing her name to Ellen Deselfish."

I recently purchased a new bed and had the joy of trying to find all the necessary accessories for a California King bed. After spending a full Sunday with my girlfriend bouncing around different home stores, we finally have all the sheets, duvet covers and bed skirts we need. We've assembled our new frame and I start putting the bedding on our mattress. I'm struggling with getting everything put on and call out, "uh oh, I think we got some phony pillow cases."

Fear and anxiety paint her face as she rushes over and asks "what's wrong?!"

I quip back at her, "yeah, this thing is a sham!"

I was complaining about having to buy several permits today and told my girlfriend i was moving to Alaska to get away from "the man". She asked if my new Inuit wife would let her visit, I came up with:

• she can hold it while i put inuit

• we could work out a deal where we get to pay each other a visit on a regular basis like when you win the lottery and get an innuity

• you 2 could share lingerie if you think you could fit inuit

Just got back from shopping for new work clothes with my girlfriend. She picked out two button-down shirts for me to consider. The first was a blue-green color. I told her it wouldn't work because it doesn't match most of my ties.

The second shirt was solid gray. "You could wear a lot of your ties with this color," she said.

"True," I said. "But wearing more than one would look kind of silly."

I had a great date with my girlfriend, and we're leaving the house right as Dad pulls into the driveway. We just got a new puppy, and I was explaining to him that the puppy wasn't even shy around her. His response?

"Hey, neither were you, eh?"

She thought it was cute. I almost died.

I had bought some food and put it away in the cupboards. My girlfriend's friends had come over and wanted to eat stuff.

I didn't want my girlfriend to mention we had a new jar of choc-hazelnut spread to be eaten.

I said "No! You must nutella them!"

Nobody smiled.

Was at dinner tonight with my girlfriends family and her sister brought her new puppy over. Their step dad left the room momentarily and the puppy followed him.

GF: Oh, jeeze <step dad>, you've got a little stalker!!

Me: Oh no!!! We better call the pawlice!

Rest of table: <audible groans>

I'm only 22, but I like to think I have a bit of dad in me already.

My girlfriend wnted a new watch so we went to the local shopping centre to go to the Fossil shop. It was shut due to a power outage. Go back the next day and they're open; a quick chat with the shop assistant and she says the problem still isn't fixed and they're using generators to try and get through the day.

I couldn't help myself and say "I guess that means you're running on Fossil Fuel then?"

It didn't go down very well.

Today I was at a Honda dealership finalizing a lease on my girlfriend's new car. The salesman was chatting us up and showed us a picture of his daughter. He says "This is my 2 year old daughter. Her name is Alexis". Without missing a beat I said "Alexis? Why didn't you name her a Honda?". Both the salesman and my girlfriend gave me the "oh no you didn't" look.

My girlfriend showed me a photo of severe weather in a town north of us and asked "have you seen the photo from Olds yet?"

"Saw it yesterday! That's old news"

We are re-staining the banister in our house to match our new floors. So my girlfriend asked what the process is. The employee starts going on how we need to first use stripper to remove the paint. My girlfriend asked how much are strippers. I quickly responded well it depends on how nice, what time of day and where you go to get your stripper. Everyone had a good laugh my girlfriend was not amused.

My girlfriend put new sheets on the bed last night. She likes clean sheets I guess. This morning when I got up she asked me if I liked the new sheets.

I replied, "Honestly, they were kinda sheety."

So, I was sitting in the family room with my girlfriend's family. She just got a new kitten today, so we're all pretty excited.

She just experienced a little running around spell before settling underneath a table.

When I asked what she was doing, my girlfriend chimed in with: "I think she had the runs!"

She immediately followed this up with asking everyone if we'd heard her joke and laughing aloud about it.

I'm pretty proud, despite the groans.

My girlfriend was wearing a new vest the other night, and her sister thought it was kind of weird. She (gf) asked if I liked it, and I said "it looks nice, but you could say I have a vested interest in the question".

She rolled her eyes, and then laughed.

They had a work meeting last night, during which they discussed a new tea that was being introduced, an Irish Breakfast tea. For context, they already have a tea called English Breakfast.

Coworker: "What is the difference between the Irish and the English Breakfast teas?"

My girlfriend: "The accents."

The guy I'm dating's last name is Feliz.

Over the holidays at his family's New Years party his little brother asked his girlfriend to marry him. Her response? Yes! It would make me happy.

Feliz is Spanish for happy. He is literally making her happy. I was rolling. I think everyone else may have heard variations of the joke too many times cause all they did was groan but I definitely think she's a honorary dad.

my dad was telling me about my brother's new Sony Smartwatch when my mom said: "the problem is, Sarah (brother's girlfriend) bought him a beautiful expensive watch for his birthday, and guess which one he wants to wear? Not the one he should be wearing!"
Dad: He's double timing her

Not only has my dad told ME this joke a million times, he tells it to every new person he meets. All of them. Best occurrence was the first time I'd brought a new girlfriend to dinner.

How do you get a one armed man out of a tree?

You wave.

Key him cracking up and my girlfriend going (in what I suppose is an ironically placed dad joke), how did your son end up not funny? Did someone wave at you when you were carrying him?

We were driving back from celebrating my daughter's first vocal solo with ice cream and we noticed a new billboard. The billboard read "Santa wants bacon this year". I said that was a brilliant idea. It would break up the sweet with some salty. My girlfriend said "what about bacon cookies? " to which I replied "How else are you suppose to cook them?" They both groaned loudly.

My girlfriend has been putting a lot of work into her current masters program and is under a lot of stress.

We decided it would be a good idea to get out of the house but weren't sure where we would go.

The inner dad inside me pulled out this line, "Why don't we go to the new hookah bar to blow off some steam."

I was very proud and decided to share with you folks. I will now continue to reiterate this story to everyone I see today.

My wife was talking about her mom's car getting hit by a deer.

She said people were making the joke "I hope you got the deer's insurance!"

I said "Maybe they're from New Hampshire if they didn't have insurance."

Our girlfriend piped up and said "Maybe they were a John Doe!"

So we are all standing around eating dessert and my girlfriend is explaining to my dad how she burnt the cookies. I attempt to quell her stresses by telling her "don't worry, me and my dad are crisponians and have a deeper taste for crisp". My father responds with "I may be a crisponian but this might be crisponite". Everyone in the room was laughing except for my 13 year old sister, it was priceless.

This is the same guy that, on a road trip (shortly after the wendy's "finger in chili incident"), was trying to persuade us to visit the establishment whilst passing by. When i said i didn't want to he said "What's the matter don't you like finger food?". He followed up with "Wendy's: We put a little bit of ourselves into everything we make.". And finally simultaneously made every passenger pee their pants when he raised a clenched fist and said "WENDY"S! WERE #1!!".

My wife and I have a friend coming over this afternoon and he's bringing his new girlfriend that we haven't met yet. We know she's Brazilian, so I asked my wife "do you think she knows jiu-jitsu?" with that dad-joke look on my face because I was proud of my accomplishment. My wife responds without hesitation with "nope, she's not a Jew" and all I could do was shake my head with disappointment that I'd been outdone while being so proud of her at the same time.

So I was at the fishing shop as I needed some new weights. The line was quote long. When I finally got to the front the attendant said "sorry for the wait", I replied "oh, but I came here for the weights". Girlfriend walked out and straight to the car..

"My girlfriend bought me this the other day!" I shouted.

"How about I get you a new one?" he asked.

I said, "Yes, you can."

He said, "Great, because I think she'd be better off with me."

Me: "So, with the new diet do you have to believe everything people tell you now?"

Girlfriend: "What?"

Me: "Well, you can't take anything with a grain of salt anymore."